today is the third year anniversary of the day you passed on. wow - three years. so much has happened in my life during that time. i know you've been watching over me. i know you've been near. i've felt you especially near this past week, with dreams of you. you were so happy in the dreams. and i was bursting with joy to see you! you make my heart glad :)
i was looking back on my blog to see what i have written on past anniversaries. i was surprised to find nothing. then again, this day is really hard for me. you were such a bright spot in my life. i loved visiting you. oh, the final turn that led to your house. always - always - the car would be bouncing with us four kids going up and down, up and down, unable to stay in our seats any longer after 18 hours! you were the first person i wanted to hug and the last person i wanted to hold on to.
remember you took me to my first dirt race?! you'll make a red-neck out of me yet :p that was so.much.fun.! and remember the red hats we made together?! what a blast! now the great-grandkids try them on and do 'fashion shows' for us. i think that would've brought you a lot of joy. also, remember, holding my hand and rubbing your thumb across it? you were so sweet. your touch calmed me. i always wanted to sit by you. remember when we were younger picking berries? i got so messy! remember canning green beans and pickles? it got so hot in the kitchen even with all the fans going and the windows open! remember swinging on the front porch? i loved that.
i get really sad sometimes when i think that you won't be here to hold my babies or be at my wedding or that your voice won't be on the other end when i call your house. it's not easy to move on without you. i find myself wishing for one more day with you. i don't think i'd pack it full of things to do. rather, i think i'd just spend the time asking you questions and talking to you, laughing with you, making memories. boy, i sure do miss you like crazy.
two of my final memories of you and me is you laying in bed, breathing steadily, me reading a book in a chair next to you with my feet propped up on your bed, hands held, you rubbing my hand. the room was dimmed and quiet. i think time stood still in those moments. remember when i was sitting behind you and you asked, "where's rachel?" and i popped my head down right in front of your face and said, "i'm right here, mamaw!" and aunt ev said, "oh that's so cute, hold on!" and snapped this photo of us? guess what? i cherish this photo. it's my 'no regrets' photo of you and me. my 'always and forever' photo of us. i see it every day.
i will always honor your memory.
i will always remember you.
i will always keep you near me because i love you, forever.