Friday, March 21, 2014

i don't have my shit together

i like to scroll through pintrest and imgfave at night - it relaxes me and i treat it kind of like looking at a magazine. anyway, i've been having some bummer days recently, and when i came across this it just hit me like - BOOM!

ya and TOTALLY! i don't have to have all my shit together by the time i'm 25. hell, my life is completely different from what i thought it would be back when i had a "life plan." things have not turned out AT ALL like i planned. and i'm slowly becoming ok with that. do i love it? no. but dbt teaches we radically accept reality as it is. reality is, i am where i am. doing what i'm doing. living life on life's terms. and i suppose in reality living the life god always planned for me to live. still doesn't mean i like it, but i can accept it.

i've been really worried this week about turning 25 in less than a month. it seems like such a big mile marker. a quarter or more of my life is over. and i feel like i have so little in my life to show for it. but that's a judgement about my life. i am worried about work and being able to handle more and wondering if i'll go back to school and how i'll pay for that and if/when i'll get married and how i will manage kids with my mental health and wanting to move out again but how will i make enough money for that and getting my own insurance and how will i pay for that and will i still be able to see susan a year from now and on and on and on my head races. see, i don't have my shit together.

but, if i can just S T O P. and breathe. and s l o w d o w n. and take a minute and look at what i have done and what i am doing i realize i am making progress. it is slow and paced progress and that's ok. i have to remind myself of this often otherwise i'm screwed and get super anxious. 

slow and steady. that's my goal. paced progress. measurable improvement. a little at a time.

left foot, right foot. one breathe, one moment, one thing at a time.

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