Tuesday, March 25, 2014

a year ago today ...

.... i was released from inpatient.

march is a month of hard anniversaries.

i remember being so thrilled to be out of that place. i hopped in the front seat of dad's car and said, "i want paradise bakery's chicken salad sandwich on a croissant with a chocolate chip cookie please!" that was one of the things that kept me 'sane' in there. every bite was delicious.

new memories have come back of some not fun things i remember about being in there. and then i remember my roommate and how kind she was; some of the nurses and now sweet they were; the techs and how on top of it they were.

i am not where i was a year ago, that's for sure. i have made a lot of progress and grown a lot. after inpatient they put my into an intensive outpatient program where i met the director, chloe, who helped me so much along my journey. she gave me good advice and was key in leading me to susan. chloe was there three days a week to teach, listen and advise as i struggled with my depression.

also during this time i was transitioning from living on my own to moving in with my parents and not working full time. it was so hard but my parents stepped in and did so much of the heavy stuff that i couldn't do. i remember sleeping a lot. days and days. i just curled up in a ball and pulled the blankets over my head and wished the world away. so much of my stuff - what i felt like was my identity - was sold. it hurt. i cried.

then i started seeing susan and began dbt. instead of turning all of my emotions inward i had someone who would listen and help me understand their purpose and function and give me strategies on what to do with them. it was empowering. it has taken me 9 long, hard, work filled months to start implementing the skills in my life, but, they work! i'm proud of my accomplishments.

i told susan how amazing chloe had been in helping me and so she called her up and asked her to be our co-leader in group therapy. i love seeing chloe each week. she says she has seen some great progress in me.

i'm so grateful for a and that she stayed the night with me before i went inpatient. it insured that i did not act on any of the life ending thoughts running around in my head. she was sent as an angel from god to protect my life. i'm grateful for a dr who picked up on how serious my life ending thoughts were. i'm grateful for s and her validation that my time in inpatient was really hard.

god has surrounded me with amazing friends and professionals during this difficult time in my life to make sure that, though hard, it is a time of great growth. i see his hand as i look back on this past year. i am grateful for him leading and guiding me though my darkest time.



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