Monday, February 3, 2014


i was texting with my cousin, l, today. we struggle with some of the same things. it is so nice to have a 'buddy' to share things with. she gets it when so many people don't. one of the things she gets is being tired. i don't think i can properly express how tired i am all the time by simply using the word 'tired.' so, i came up with a new word :


definition : being terrified of how tired one is; to the point of being terrorized by tiredness.

i will freely admit there are so many types of tired i have not experienced : new mom tired, old mom tired, grandma tired, aches and pains tired, graduate school tired, 40 plus hour work week tired, hours and hours of service tired, hours and hours of driving tired, staying up more than 24 hours tired, and my list could go on.

but, i can say with complete confidence, that i have expereienced in depth the tiredfied-ness of depression, and i want to try and explain it to you.

it is never having enough sleep.

it is constantly feeling weary.

it is always feeling burdended by the body you are encased in.

it is to your core, limb to limb, exhaustion, that haunts you, everywhere you go.

is is waking up to crust covered, puffy eyes, who only want to shut.

it is wanting another hour of rest, no matter the time of day.

it is always feeling like what you have gotten is never enough.

it is being overwhelmed by taking a shower - and don't even think about shaving your legs.

it is doing a simple task - putting the silverware away - and then needing to rest.

it is being able to walk around the block once - on a good day.

it is carrying on short, minimal conversations

and, it is so much more.

never have i been so terrified of how tired i have been. it is scary to function at such a low level. depression zaps your energy. true - you can't let it rule your life. but also true, you have to be kind to yourself during the recovery process. it takes time to get over being so tiredfied. you will have your good days, but it's an uphill battle all the way.

for those who are helping a loved one with depression or other mental health illnesses, be gentle. as my counselor has said many times to me, "you are the expert on you." they are the expert on them. if they are having a low day, suggest going out but don't force it. and make it something simple. a drink at sonic or their favorite restaurant. this way they know they can get back to their comfort zone in a reasonable time. if they need a nap or two a day let them rest. i've needed so many many naps over the past few years that they are probably in number with the stars in heaven above! lol :) i haven't made my bed in years and it's just the way i like it. i like to cocoon up 'hamster style' so to me it makes no sense to make the bed. help them do their laundry. i know it helps me a lot when my mom helps me put away my clothes. she even helps me take out my trash. that's where i am. i won't always be here, but the point is, i'm here now, and need help while i'm here.

laugh while you're doing these seemingly simple tasks.

listen to brian regan, tim hawkins, or ellen degeneres, just to name a few of my favorite comedians or take time to listen to them and what their concerns are.

they will improve. things will get better. i promise.

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