Wednesday, February 5, 2014

mad as hell


watch. this. clip. because :::

I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

with my head wildly hanging out the window THAT is my proclamation to the world tonight. 

what gets me in these awful moods?? idk. i'm going to bring up with my psychiatrist next week a better mood stabilizer because i feel ALL over the f'in place. i can be moderately fine one moment and mad as hell the next. my anger seems to be always simmering under the surface and needs only the slightest hint of a nudge to be in full fire mode. 

part of what i loathe so much right now is having so much of my independence gone. i haven't written a post about my visit with my new neurologist and probably won't until an official diagnosis is given. but i will say this much: i am having epileptic seizures, i can have drop attacks (where i loose all the muscle tone in my body), and my diagnosis will fall under the umbrella term "channelopathy". so with this news comes even more resistance from my parents to let me drive even though i swear i can feel the seizures 'coming on' and when you can't drive places your world gets really small really fast. i hate being driven around. it 'drives' me crazy. i don't feel all fancy and pampered and chauffeured. i feel babied. 

i want to work a regular job but the timing isn't right right now. i feel so stuck and suffocated by circumstances in my life. i don't understand what god is trying to teach me. i feel small. when i get in these moods i look for an out - and they usually aren't healthy ones. dbt has given me consequences if i choose them, so again i feel stuck. 

i just took my meds. guess i'll just go to bed all bottled up.

but i'm still mad as hell.

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