Monday, February 17, 2014


this is my feel good song right now :)

it's so peppy and light-hearted : i love it!

my friend shared this with me and it's something else i love : naps!

i took myself on a "me date" today and saw frozen. it was so good :)

i loved these two songs!

sooooo, do you wanna build a snowman??

Friday, February 14, 2014

7 things

  .... to do when you're really angry. that's the first thing that came up when i - in my lost state - googled "what do you do when you're angry"

the article is really good and was an answer to a pray that went something like this : "oh looooooord please help me .... " because i'm still at the stage with my anger that i don't know what to do with it.

i have expressed before that growing up i was never allowed (or never allowed myself - not sure which) to be angry. so i turned anger into anxiety. now my anger turns into depression. and as i was doing #3 (see below) i realized i don't deserve to become more depressed every time i get angry. i deserve to work through it and to get over it and to conquer it and to move on.

so i read this article and did the following : #1 - #2 (with self control and that prayer) - #3 (by talking a vigorous walk) - #4 (below) - #5 (to trusted friends) - #6 (i count this with #2) - and i will continue to do #7 with a check-in with my counselor monday.

#4 - today i'm grateful for the beautiful roses and baby's breath my dad bought me; the chocolate my mom and dad got me; the clothes that came in the mail for me; for my new hair cut; for laughter and my sense of humor; for cousins; for close friends; for my comfy bed; for my socks and sandals; for my pillows; for angry songs; for prayer - even when said through clenched teeth; and for the 70 degree weather.

wow - i feel a lot better. now it's just a matter of being "very dbt" the rest of the evening and letting this all go. i will - turn on just friends, get in my pjs, fill my pill cases, take my night meds, read scriptures, watch just friends until i fall asleep.

and that's all she wrote.

1. Acknowledge It: Clenching your teeth while stuffing your feelings does no good for you, your mate, or your gastrointestinal tract. There's nothing wrong with being angry. Admitting it to yourself, or as calmly as possible to the person you're locking horns with, can feel validating, and it's the first step in working toward resolution.
2. Spell it out: Still simmering after an awful performance evaluation? Writing down your feelings -- yes, the prehistoric pen and paper can work as well, if not better, than the laptop-can be extremely helpful.
In the process, you can sort out why you're upset and what steps you can take work through the situation. Perhaps most important, putting your feelings into words can diminish their grip on you and help them work their way out of your system.
3. Get physical: Biologically, anger looks quite similar to other forms of arousal. Get connected to your body, and channel the rage into an activity that can release tension-dancing, jumping rope, kickboxing and running are great examples. Do a primal scream (if you're blessed not to share walls.) Instead of letting frustration burn you up, you can let it burn off. Sometimes the energy release of a good laugh, or a good cry, can also take the edge off.
4. Seek perspective: If you're still feeling steamed from that bully on the exit ramp or the backhanded tone from the bartender, it might be time to make a list of the things you're grateful for. Gratitude meditations, or just sitting and focusing on what's right in your life, are associated with increased fulfillment and diminished stress. Breaking out the yardstick to determine mountain from molehill can sometimes help clear your head.
5. Connect, carefully: Sharing your feelings with a trusted person can often be very cathartic. Don't make excuses for your emotions or buff them to a shine; just let them flow. But beware of the friend who just riles you up further; there's a difference between letting you vent and fanning your flames.
6. Take action: If it's a serial aggressor that's getting you down, chart out steps to improve the situation. A methodical, specific plan of action can lend a sense of control, helping stop the madness.
7. Watch it: Sometimes even when things seem resolved, anger can linger in the form of hypersensitivity, irritability, and insomnia. Increasing your mindfulness -- or at the very least, keeping an ear attuned to your inner dialogue of thoughts and feelings -- can serve as an early warning system for future conflicts.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

pick yourself up

i'm better. much better. i had a good session with susan on friday morning where she helped me understand my feelings. many times i get 'stuck' in emotion mind and can't find my way to rational mind to sort out everything. in her office i can think more clearly and i have her to guide and help me.

one of the thoughts she caught me thinking was "my life is over." i did not know this, but that thought works the same in the brain as suicide thoughts do. 

she gave me this analogy : think of heating your house in the winter. what happens if you leave the front door open three inches? where does all of the heat go? it goes out that crack, even though it's just a 'little' one. the same thing happens to our energy when we think thoughts such as "my life is over" or suicide thoughts. it zaps all of our energy. knowing this it then made sense why i had had such a shitty few days emotionally. when those thoughts come into our minds we have to slam the door on them and go "nope, not an option. i'm not going to dwell on those thoughts."

we talked about failure. this is a really hard one for me, because i don't like to fail. and how it's in the picking ourselves back up and picking ourselves back up and picking ourselves back up that define us as human beings. she helped me see failure in a more 'positive' light. we are all going to fail. it's just part of life. but it's those who pick themselves up who are different. 

on a more spiritual note, a leader in my church asked me to read the book believing christ by stephen e robinson. i have a vague recollection of my counselor, shane, having me read it a year and a half ago. i remember liking it a lot. it came in the mail today and i started it tonight. it is really good and focuses on the difference between believing in christ and believing christ

i wrote in december of 2013 about my beliefs of christ and his atonement around christmas time. i have been thinking a bit lately about what christ did for me and it has brought me great peace. i do not know all there is to know about the atonement but i know that it is a real power that i have felt in my life. below are some quotes i found that have brought me additional peace:

"All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Linda Burton 

"Even with the trials of life, because of the Savior's Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace." Quintin Cook

"There is no problem, no obstacle to our divine destiny, for which the Savior's Atonement does not have a remedy of superior healing and lifting power." Tad Callister

"Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided. Even if sometimes we may feel that we are." Jeffrey Holland

"It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's atonement shines." Jeffrey Holland

and as always, i must not loose sight of my 2014 motto. the frank sinatra song is one susan introduced to me on friday :) she said it should be my theme song. i agree with her.

"i am only one idea, one dream, or one person away from my miracle. don't give up. 

the future is bright."

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

mad as hell

watch. this. clip. because :::


with my head wildly hanging out the window THAT is my proclamation to the world tonight. 

what gets me in these awful moods?? idk. i'm going to bring up with my psychiatrist next week a better mood stabilizer because i feel ALL over the f'in place. i can be moderately fine one moment and mad as hell the next. my anger seems to be always simmering under the surface and needs only the slightest hint of a nudge to be in full fire mode. 

part of what i loathe so much right now is having so much of my independence gone. i haven't written a post about my visit with my new neurologist and probably won't until an official diagnosis is given. but i will say this much: i am having epileptic seizures, i can have drop attacks (where i loose all the muscle tone in my body), and my diagnosis will fall under the umbrella term "channelopathy". so with this news comes even more resistance from my parents to let me drive even though i swear i can feel the seizures 'coming on' and when you can't drive places your world gets really small really fast. i hate being driven around. it 'drives' me crazy. i don't feel all fancy and pampered and chauffeured. i feel babied. 

i want to work a regular job but the timing isn't right right now. i feel so stuck and suffocated by circumstances in my life. i don't understand what god is trying to teach me. i feel small. when i get in these moods i look for an out - and they usually aren't healthy ones. dbt has given me consequences if i choose them, so again i feel stuck. 

i just took my meds. guess i'll just go to bed all bottled up.

but i'm still mad as hell.

Monday, February 3, 2014


i was texting with my cousin, l, today. we struggle with some of the same things. it is so nice to have a 'buddy' to share things with. she gets it when so many people don't. one of the things she gets is being tired. i don't think i can properly express how tired i am all the time by simply using the word 'tired.' so, i came up with a new word :


definition : being terrified of how tired one is; to the point of being terrorized by tiredness.

i will freely admit there are so many types of tired i have not experienced : new mom tired, old mom tired, grandma tired, aches and pains tired, graduate school tired, 40 plus hour work week tired, hours and hours of service tired, hours and hours of driving tired, staying up more than 24 hours tired, and my list could go on.

but, i can say with complete confidence, that i have expereienced in depth the tiredfied-ness of depression, and i want to try and explain it to you.

it is never having enough sleep.

it is constantly feeling weary.

it is always feeling burdended by the body you are encased in.

it is to your core, limb to limb, exhaustion, that haunts you, everywhere you go.

is is waking up to crust covered, puffy eyes, who only want to shut.

it is wanting another hour of rest, no matter the time of day.

it is always feeling like what you have gotten is never enough.

it is being overwhelmed by taking a shower - and don't even think about shaving your legs.

it is doing a simple task - putting the silverware away - and then needing to rest.

it is being able to walk around the block once - on a good day.

it is carrying on short, minimal conversations

and, it is so much more.

never have i been so terrified of how tired i have been. it is scary to function at such a low level. depression zaps your energy. true - you can't let it rule your life. but also true, you have to be kind to yourself during the recovery process. it takes time to get over being so tiredfied. you will have your good days, but it's an uphill battle all the way.

for those who are helping a loved one with depression or other mental health illnesses, be gentle. as my counselor has said many times to me, "you are the expert on you." they are the expert on them. if they are having a low day, suggest going out but don't force it. and make it something simple. a drink at sonic or their favorite restaurant. this way they know they can get back to their comfort zone in a reasonable time. if they need a nap or two a day let them rest. i've needed so many many naps over the past few years that they are probably in number with the stars in heaven above! lol :) i haven't made my bed in years and it's just the way i like it. i like to cocoon up 'hamster style' so to me it makes no sense to make the bed. help them do their laundry. i know it helps me a lot when my mom helps me put away my clothes. she even helps me take out my trash. that's where i am. i won't always be here, but the point is, i'm here now, and need help while i'm here.

laugh while you're doing these seemingly simple tasks.

listen to brian regan, tim hawkins, or ellen degeneres, just to name a few of my favorite comedians or take time to listen to them and what their concerns are.

they will improve. things will get better. i promise.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

february song

there is so much going on in my heart. it still hurts from the loss of l. more of his story is here. i had a very good session with susan last monday. i told her that i was still so sad over the loss of l. she said, years ago our culture was more considerate and understanding of people in the grieving process. they accepted it. the person grieving wore black. they received visitors in their home. sadness was allowed, not pushed aside as it so often is now in days so that we can get back to 'living life.' sadness is an emotion that is there for a reason. why do we feel sad? to remind us of what we are missing. and to give us time to evaluate how we are going to move forward without the person we are so used to having in our lives. sadness is actually good. it gives us time to s t o p and s l o w d o w n. how do i go on without l? what did he teach me about life and living? what do i want to take from his life and incorporate in my life so that his legacy lives on?

in another part of my world, my heart is also heavy. someone i love so dearly is hurting. i love her so completely, just the way she is and want what is best for her. words fail me. i am sad that she is hurting. yes. but it is so much more than that. i would take her pain if i could. i would take her suffering. i have been where she is. i have learned so much from living my life. i have learned so much from the path god has placed me on.


left foot, right foot.

slow down.

remember to breathe.

trust the process.

today is not the day to excel.

too many people are too aware to let me/you go.

my/your future is bright.

life is worth living, even when it's hard.

remember those 8 things. it gets better. i promise. pinky promise. and listen to josh groban. his voice soothes the weary soul <3