Sunday, January 19, 2014

s t o p

i either did or meant to write about a little boy i saw for speech .... his name was l. he touched my life in so many ways. his life was a miracle. if i shared the post his mother wrote about him and his brothers before i can't find it to share again, so i'll share this. i loved getting hugs from him and playing with his monster trucks. he made every session fun. sadly, he passed away this morning. he has been fighting cancer since august. below is a letter i wrote to s. i'm trying to process the pain that death brings.
 

it's such a hollow feeling ,,,, death. and yet i can remember not one maybe two nights ago praying, 'god, please take l if it be your will, or heal him and help him be at peace.' and god took him?
i feel too young to have seen two people die from cancer. too young to have a 'patient' die. god did the right thing in pulling me out 10 months ago.

i miss mamaw. so much. she touched and changed my life. for the better. always for the better. i miss l. he changed my life too. even while i was seeing him i would remind myself to cherish his hugs - there would come a time when i wouldn't get hugs from him anymore. it's like i was more aware of his mortality than my other patients.

i am sad for his family. sad for his brothers who may not even remember him - they are so young.

i do not like death. not because i am afraid of what happens after a person leaves here, but because of those left behind. they are the ones who have to pick up the shattered pieces and move forward.
i just need to stop for a minute. i need the world to stop for a minute while i process this all. i find it bringing up more and more of mamaw's death.
'i love you forever' she whispered to me. i remember distinctly the forever because i heard her raspy voice say to the others 'i love you.' but the forever she added on mine. i know she feared death. she was never quite sure what lies beyond. i tried throughout my life to teach her some of my beliefs - that our spirits live on, that she will still be herself (and damnit if someone isn't playing oh danny boy in the house!), that she will see her twin baby girls, that jesus waits for her just beyond what our mortal eyes can see, that we'll still know the same people we know here on earth, that families can be together forever - and she told me how amazed she was that i was so confident and comfortable with what i knew. death doesn't 'scare' me so to speak, but it is sad to me. the separation of body and spirit - the separation of us from talking to and being physically around the ones we love.
i have said before and will say it of her always that she died with grace. she died so gracefully in my eyes. she didn't speak an unkind word in her pain. she was still loving and sweet. she was still the grandma i knew growing up only, dying.
and now with l's death. august to january - a short 5 months' fight with cancer where he declined and declined and declined and declined.
i used to worry when i was seeing him, what he would be like as a 10 year old , as a teenager , as a 20 year old. was i giving him the skills he needed to communicate?? would he be able to do well and succeed in life?? and now he's gone......?
 
i'm glad i'm seeing susan tomorrow. i need to talk this one out.

that's what i wrote in my letter. but i want to leave on a note of faith. i know l is safe tonight. i know he is not suffering anymore. i know he is well. i will pray for his family - for their peace of mind and healing during this time. god can still perform a miracle in their life.

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