Monday, January 6, 2014

?

i don't know where i am. physically i'm sitting on my bed in my pjs. mentally - i'm far away. drifting. yes, tonight, i'm a drifter.

i feel uninterested and uninteresting. i am so uninterested in life that i do not care one way or the other  whether i live or die. whether my situation is improved or continues. ah, that hurt a little - so maybe i do care a slight, slight bit about things staying the way they are - but living or dying, at this point, i don't really care. i am not engaged in life. in the living of a happy, full, purposeful life. most people would say, 'well then do something about it.' i would. but it all comes down to one word. one lousy word that doesn't encompass my feelings at all.

tired.

i'm not talking the tired after a long day of work that a good night's rest will heal. or the tired of staying up too late or working long days, day after day after day after day. mine is a burdened, sad, disheartened, wearied, tired. i only want to sleep but it does me no good. i still feel like curling up under blankets and drifting away - all day, all night, all day, all night.

is it a form of escape? maybe.

i don't know for sure. 

is it because i'm fighting seizures all day? maybe.

i really don't know.

i only know what i'm feeling.

my head is fuzzy with foggy sleep memories. my limbs feel incapable of doing anything but lying limp by my side. i eat. but i don't want to shower. i don't want to walk/exercise. i don't even feel safe driving my car. and that is what has made me so sad tonight. to feel this way - so closed up inside. i hate it.

i feel uninterested in the life that is around me. in the people, in the places, in the weather, in the beauty, in the ugly, it really doesn't matter - it's all the same to me. gray. faded colors. people talk, i listen, i try to engage, but i leave the exchange so tired, i feel it wasn't worth the investment of energy. what am i saving my energy up for? something big. something grand. those two should have exclamation points. but even that would be too bold to put in a gray post.

i feel uninteresting. my life has been whittled down to nothing. so little. nothing. a little hole in the earth could hold my life. i'm crying because i feel abandoned by god. my brain is so foggy with depression. what to say? what to do? how to phrase it? it all reaches the surface slowly and by the time my thought is there the moment is gone. this brain is different. it's slow, sluggish. it sloshes and swishes through the day swaying back and forth, back and forth. accomplishing so little.

i have waited over 2 months to see this specific neurologist my shrink wants me to see. i have tried not to put all my eggs in this 'neurology basket' but i think it's too late for that. every time i look in the basket there are all my eggs : driving, running errands, independence, working, making money, getting better, getting a diagnosis, getting right meds, getting off some meds, loosing weight, exercise, not being tired, feeling purposeful. 

these are some big eggs, people.

and there they all sit, in the basket, waiting until the 24th of this month, when we can get the ball rolling.

maybe - just maybe - after writing and thinking - all these paragraphs i've finally found it.

i'm tired - of waiting.

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