Thursday, December 19, 2013

sad - das

das - that's sad spelled backwards. sad spelled backwards doesn't spell happy. i have been so sad these past few weeks. i can hardly take how sad i have been.

go there with me. just for a moment. to feel the pain.

imagine something sad. the death of a loved one//the loss of something of value. let that feeling - that sadness - sit in your chest. it starts out small, but as you think on it, begin to think of all the following consequences because of your loved one dying or loosing that thing of value. (you will never see her again, you will never hold his hand, you will never hear her sing off key to her favorite songs, you will never see him read the morning newspaper, you will never hold that thing, you will never feel that thing = none of it again.) 

and suddenly this small space in your chest has grown and is tighter. you are fighting tears now. one makes it past the timid guards and trickles down your face, caressing your cheek. your limbs don't feel attached anymore. they tingle and feel foreign. they weigh you down. you head feels light, like a balloon filled with helium ready to take flight with the slightest breeze.

the only real sensation is the strangling in your chest - the fear, anger, sadness - that pulls on you like an unwanted anchor, leaving you hopelessly at sea.

motivation to move is gone - to leave your bed is to move a mountain or run 1,000 miles. it is impossible. you may have to go to the bathroom. but if you can move yourself just right the knocking sensation goes away. and no thought is given to eating.

now you are properly sad. my kind of sad. the sad i wake up to. the sad i go to sleep to. here i have given you a reason to be sad. i - well, i have no reason to be sad. 

that's why they call it depression.

i found myself flung on susan's sofa sobbing yesterday evening. "i can't do it anymore. i just can't. i'm so sad. all the time. please, oh please god, why!" and as tears and drool and sobs and words came out susan sat there and patiently, peacefully listened - responding, "what has happened to cause you so much suffering?"

we worked through a series of steps. focus on breath - focus on pain in body - breathe into pain in body - relax - and then she said the following while i breathed ::: may i be peaceful, may i be happy, may i be free from inner and outer harm, may i come to know freedom from suffering, may i care for myself with joy.

today i am ok. though still stunned by the amount of sadness i feel.

especially this time of year, may i be peaceful.

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