Thursday, December 5, 2013

new time

i can't believe it's december. and the 5th at that. time is moving so rapidly. i want to hold it and yet i wish it away in the same moment. i heard it somewhere - movie, book, person - to hold the note would ruin the tune. and that's so true of time. to hold it would ruin the process of life.

i'm at a much calmer place in my day thanks to a few people, namely s, my cousin l, and of course susan. i have also prayed and am listening to one direction's (that's right i'm a fan :) new cd. so all of these things combined have helped me come down from what was a high risk place.

i don't think people who haven't experienced depression/anxiety - self-harm/suicide thoughts understand what it means to be 'high risk.' but the people i mentioned above get it. and i'm beyond thankful that they do. because when i'm standing on the cliff of sanity ready to take the plunge into the unknown and un-cared for they are there to pick up the broken pieces and validate them together. 

someone in my life has thoughtlessly said some things lately that have angered and hurt me. i have learned from susan that my anger 'fits the facts' and helps me return to this problem behavior and look at it. we also got all of the christmas decorations down tonight. and memories returned. memories of a different time. i can't say better because looking back i see now how sad i really was. but back to when i had my apartment and had it all decorated and ready for the holiday season. it made me so happy.

and those memories became haunting. i was not prepared for how powerful they were going to be. how sad they would make me. i texted s and l. s recommended i call susan. i respect s and her opinion. so i did. and l suggested we face time :) susan called me back and said a few things : sometimes people can be plain old mean ; i have what many people want this time of year (many people she works with) ... a family that loves me - and i have a place to go for the holidays ; 20 years from now (i'm so glad she gave me 20 years to put things into perspective) i'll look back on this time with my family and be grateful for it.

those things got me back on track. and though i still don't feel 100% i've taken my night meds so i'll be out soon and this day will be over. this time will pass and new time will come. and i will do something different with that new time.

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