definition : the state of being afraid and depressed.
that's what i am. afressed. i'm so afraid and scared of the future. maybe i'm feeling the weight of the new year and wondering what it holds for me - because seriously i was not planning on having the year i had this year - so i think a little fear towards the coming year fits the facts.
and i've been depressed today. i hate that word. it even sounds down in the dumps. i kept having anxiety attacks throughout the night and my stomach was bothering me. which just puts me in a bad mood. and then the depression took over during the day. i didn't leave my bed except to work and deliver a few christmas cards and mail the rest.
but anxiety for most of the night and depression for most of the day? what's the point of even existing? it's such a lonely feeling.
there is a fear : a deep fear : that i keep crushing and pushing aside : which i finally voiced today to my cousin l. i knew i could trust her with it. it killed me to even text it. because it is the final strand of 'my plan' - the way i had things going in my life. and i feel so hesistent towards it that i am interpreting that to mean a giant wrecking ball is there just waiting to have at it. i don't want to give it up - and yet i don't feel passionate about it anymore. mostly, i feel confused.
i'm afressed. and alone in my afressed-ness. it's a hard night.