Wednesday, December 25, 2013

the most wonderful time of the year

it has been another blessed christmas. i love this time of year. the time it gives me to reflect on the birth of jesus christ. his birth was miraculous and i am so grateful he came. in church on sunday there was a talk given about keeping christ in christmas. it really struck me how important that was. in all of my simplifying was i making sure to keep the savior in my sight? i hope so. i love this little video about the meaning of christmas. i hope you'll take a few minutes and watch it.

i believe in jesus christ. that he came and lived a perfect life. that he died for the pains, sadnesses, and sins of every person who has and will ever walk this earth. i believe in the power he has to make people whole. i love this next video. the song touches my heart and the story of the savior's life lifts me and brings me hope.

finally, along with all of my blessings, i recognize the great blessings of family, friends, and health. i used to work with the older of the two boys in this video and i know their family. they are courageous and faith-filled. my life has been made better because of knowing them.

merry christmas :)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

sad - das

das - that's sad spelled backwards. sad spelled backwards doesn't spell happy. i have been so sad these past few weeks. i can hardly take how sad i have been.

go there with me. just for a moment. to feel the pain.

imagine something sad. the death of a loved one//the loss of something of value. let that feeling - that sadness - sit in your chest. it starts out small, but as you think on it, begin to think of all the following consequences because of your loved one dying or loosing that thing of value. (you will never see her again, you will never hold his hand, you will never hear her sing off key to her favorite songs, you will never see him read the morning newspaper, you will never hold that thing, you will never feel that thing = none of it again.) 

and suddenly this small space in your chest has grown and is tighter. you are fighting tears now. one makes it past the timid guards and trickles down your face, caressing your cheek. your limbs don't feel attached anymore. they tingle and feel foreign. they weigh you down. you head feels light, like a balloon filled with helium ready to take flight with the slightest breeze.

the only real sensation is the strangling in your chest - the fear, anger, sadness - that pulls on you like an unwanted anchor, leaving you hopelessly at sea.

motivation to move is gone - to leave your bed is to move a mountain or run 1,000 miles. it is impossible. you may have to go to the bathroom. but if you can move yourself just right the knocking sensation goes away. and no thought is given to eating.

now you are properly sad. my kind of sad. the sad i wake up to. the sad i go to sleep to. here i have given you a reason to be sad. i - well, i have no reason to be sad. 

that's why they call it depression.

i found myself flung on susan's sofa sobbing yesterday evening. "i can't do it anymore. i just can't. i'm so sad. all the time. please, oh please god, why!" and as tears and drool and sobs and words came out susan sat there and patiently, peacefully listened - responding, "what has happened to cause you so much suffering?"

we worked through a series of steps. focus on breath - focus on pain in body - breathe into pain in body - relax - and then she said the following while i breathed ::: may i be peaceful, may i be happy, may i be free from inner and outer harm, may i come to know freedom from suffering, may i care for myself with joy.

today i am ok. though still stunned by the amount of sadness i feel.

especially this time of year, may i be peaceful.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


new word : afressed.

definition : the state of being afraid and depressed.

that's what i am. afressed. i'm so afraid and scared of the future. maybe i'm feeling the weight of the new year and wondering what it holds for me - because seriously i was not planning on having the year i had this year - so i think a little fear towards the coming year fits the facts.

and i've been depressed today. i hate that word. it even sounds down in the dumps. i kept having anxiety attacks throughout the night and my stomach was bothering me. which just puts me in a bad mood. and then the depression took over during the day. i didn't leave my bed except to work and deliver a few christmas cards and mail the rest. 

but anxiety for most of the night and depression for most of the day? what's the point of even existing? it's such a lonely feeling. 

there is a fear : a deep fear : that i keep crushing and pushing aside : which i finally voiced today to my cousin l. i knew i could trust her with it. it killed me to even text it. because it is the final strand of 'my plan' - the way i had things going in my life. and i feel so hesistent towards it that i am interpreting that to mean a giant wrecking ball is there just waiting to have at it. i don't want to give it up - and yet i don't feel passionate about it anymore. mostly, i feel confused.

i'm afressed. and alone in my afressed-ness. it's a hard night.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

the grinch!

it has to be my all time favorite. one of my aunts loves the grinch too and has dedicated her christmas tree to grinch ornaments! i have some of my own grinch ornaments that made it onto my tree last year and will in coming years make it onto my christmas tree again.

why do i love the grinch so much? because of what he learned. he learned that christmas is more than presents. it's more than things in stores. it's more than what you can buy. christmas is a place in your heart, and if you are careful, you can carry it with you all year long.

every year the leaders in my church put on a christmas devotional. in 2010 one of the leaders spoke about the grinch and i loved what he said. i hope you take the time to watch it.

this year i'm saying no to a lot. and letting myself 'off the hook' for things i normally wouldn't. and i have found that i still have friends, i still have those who care about me, and all my needs are met.

there are still stresseors of course but if i can just focus on the savior, my christmas will be so much better. i couldn't believe it when i saw yesterday that there are only 17 days left until christmas! it made me so sad. our tree wasn't even up at that point. i want to savor every second of this season. enjoy it. love it.

i won't lie - all of the family time and together-ness can be too much for me and i have/do shut down. but there is a magic that fills the air this time of year. i think it's because the earth is graced with an added measure of god's love for us as we celebrate the birth of his son.

i'm thankful for his son, for this season, for the lights, the smells, the food, the warmth, and the joy it brings.

merry christmas!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

new time

i can't believe it's december. and the 5th at that. time is moving so rapidly. i want to hold it and yet i wish it away in the same moment. i heard it somewhere - movie, book, person - to hold the note would ruin the tune. and that's so true of time. to hold it would ruin the process of life.

i'm at a much calmer place in my day thanks to a few people, namely s, my cousin l, and of course susan. i have also prayed and am listening to one direction's (that's right i'm a fan :) new cd. so all of these things combined have helped me come down from what was a high risk place.

i don't think people who haven't experienced depression/anxiety - self-harm/suicide thoughts understand what it means to be 'high risk.' but the people i mentioned above get it. and i'm beyond thankful that they do. because when i'm standing on the cliff of sanity ready to take the plunge into the unknown and un-cared for they are there to pick up the broken pieces and validate them together. 

someone in my life has thoughtlessly said some things lately that have angered and hurt me. i have learned from susan that my anger 'fits the facts' and helps me return to this problem behavior and look at it. we also got all of the christmas decorations down tonight. and memories returned. memories of a different time. i can't say better because looking back i see now how sad i really was. but back to when i had my apartment and had it all decorated and ready for the holiday season. it made me so happy.

and those memories became haunting. i was not prepared for how powerful they were going to be. how sad they would make me. i texted s and l. s recommended i call susan. i respect s and her opinion. so i did. and l suggested we face time :) susan called me back and said a few things : sometimes people can be plain old mean ; i have what many people want this time of year (many people she works with) ... a family that loves me - and i have a place to go for the holidays ; 20 years from now (i'm so glad she gave me 20 years to put things into perspective) i'll look back on this time with my family and be grateful for it.

those things got me back on track. and though i still don't feel 100% i've taken my night meds so i'll be out soon and this day will be over. this time will pass and new time will come. and i will do something different with that new time.