Thursday, November 14, 2013

my letter to god



Dear Heavenly Father,

Hello. It’s me. I’m sitting in my room. Overwhelmed by emotions and feelings of sadness and gratitude and pain. I am hurt. I want to say “You have hurt my feelings” but that would be rude. In essence I feel abandon in my trials yet I see your hand and influence everywhere I turn. Monday I walked into Susan’s office wanting to cause my death or serious injury through a car accident. Friday I walked in her doors a woman on a high : I had been in a car accident and had lived. It was a miracle. I do not use that term lightly. Becca and I should not have walked away with a few bruises and sorenesses. We should have had broken bones or be dead. I realized with Susan on Friday that I was a woman who wanted to live. To have my family and my career and my health and live my life. I wanted it all. The angels you sent were amazing. Their faces are locked in my memory. Their names I may never know. Her car saved our lives. And I wasn’t driving and didn’t have an episode behind the wheel. A tender mercy. A true sign that you are watching out for me. I cannot and will not ever deny that that car accident was a direct message from you that I am not to die in a car accident. Then the post-traumatic stress set in. Restless nights and terror filled dreams and I walked into Susan’s office Monday a fearful woman. Unsure of the reality of the OUTPOURING of love from so many sources – you being one of the first. But people have come from every direction with notes and flowers and cards and hearts and cake and prayers and songs and concern and hugs and relief and gratitude that we are alive. This I have found most challenging to accept. There is a disconnect between my ability to accept others love me. I have never been good at this. I have never felt worthy of love. From anyone. I have brushed off your love so often and taken my parents’ love lightly. I did not realize the depth of the love my sisters and brother have for me. And the people. I can name so many who before I did not realize. Before I wore dark, dark sunglasses and though I shone with love and gave to others I did not receive. Now those glasses are off and I feel blinded and overwhelmed by the amount of loving acceptance so many people are offering. For the first time in my life I am realizing that I matter and that if I weren’t here – if I died accidentally or on purpose – it would affect many, many people. Susan said to pray. To use my strong faith to ask for help in accepting the love that you are offering me and the love that the people are offering me. To really accept it and feel it in my heart. To let it become a part of me. God, I don’t understand your ways. I don’t understand your plan for me. To me, it looks like we are repeating things. That we are quite literally going in circles. Three years ago this month the seizures started and now I’m having episodes again of a similar but different variety. My stomach is killing me. Waking me up two and three times a night. I’ve gained all the weight I lost since the surgery last year. I can’t get my shrink to call me back and I’m not stable on my meds. I’m having another ultrasound done – and yet again it’s not for a baby, it’s just for my parts and pieces. My face is so ugly, covered in acne which I’m sure goes back to the incredible amount of stress I’m feeling, that I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to work and be normal and fully functional but it’s not happening in any time frame I have imagined. I have little money. My toe hurts. Another miracle : you got me through 14 shots in the toe without having an episode. I’m so tired of doctors and medicines and pain. You’ve pushed me so far – I would venture to say too far – and yet you promise me complete healing. Well, when? Because I can’t keep going on like this. I promise you I can’t. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m dying. And we both know night time is worse for me – tonight, why didn’t the car accident take me? And release me from this painful world? When will you release me from this bondaged body? And I have made a decision : anxiety – I would take anxiety over depression and suicidal thoughts and all of that. It was a hard decision, but that’s what I would pick. So let me pick. And take the other away. I beg of you. And take the episodes and you can leave the stomach stuff – ulcers, gallbladder, throwing up, what have you. Can we compromise? Or is all of this for my greater good? At the end of each day I see and recognize your hand in my life. I will not deny that. I do love you. And I know with your help as I let your love in I’ll feel how much you love me.

Love,

Rachel

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