Thursday, November 14, 2013

my letter to god

Dear Heavenly Father,

Hello. It’s me. I’m sitting in my room. Overwhelmed by emotions and feelings of sadness and gratitude and pain. I am hurt. I want to say “You have hurt my feelings” but that would be rude. In essence I feel abandon in my trials yet I see your hand and influence everywhere I turn. Monday I walked into Susan’s office wanting to cause my death or serious injury through a car accident. Friday I walked in her doors a woman on a high : I had been in a car accident and had lived. It was a miracle. I do not use that term lightly. Becca and I should not have walked away with a few bruises and sorenesses. We should have had broken bones or be dead. I realized with Susan on Friday that I was a woman who wanted to live. To have my family and my career and my health and live my life. I wanted it all. The angels you sent were amazing. Their faces are locked in my memory. Their names I may never know. Her car saved our lives. And I wasn’t driving and didn’t have an episode behind the wheel. A tender mercy. A true sign that you are watching out for me. I cannot and will not ever deny that that car accident was a direct message from you that I am not to die in a car accident. Then the post-traumatic stress set in. Restless nights and terror filled dreams and I walked into Susan’s office Monday a fearful woman. Unsure of the reality of the OUTPOURING of love from so many sources – you being one of the first. But people have come from every direction with notes and flowers and cards and hearts and cake and prayers and songs and concern and hugs and relief and gratitude that we are alive. This I have found most challenging to accept. There is a disconnect between my ability to accept others love me. I have never been good at this. I have never felt worthy of love. From anyone. I have brushed off your love so often and taken my parents’ love lightly. I did not realize the depth of the love my sisters and brother have for me. And the people. I can name so many who before I did not realize. Before I wore dark, dark sunglasses and though I shone with love and gave to others I did not receive. Now those glasses are off and I feel blinded and overwhelmed by the amount of loving acceptance so many people are offering. For the first time in my life I am realizing that I matter and that if I weren’t here – if I died accidentally or on purpose – it would affect many, many people. Susan said to pray. To use my strong faith to ask for help in accepting the love that you are offering me and the love that the people are offering me. To really accept it and feel it in my heart. To let it become a part of me. God, I don’t understand your ways. I don’t understand your plan for me. To me, it looks like we are repeating things. That we are quite literally going in circles. Three years ago this month the seizures started and now I’m having episodes again of a similar but different variety. My stomach is killing me. Waking me up two and three times a night. I’ve gained all the weight I lost since the surgery last year. I can’t get my shrink to call me back and I’m not stable on my meds. I’m having another ultrasound done – and yet again it’s not for a baby, it’s just for my parts and pieces. My face is so ugly, covered in acne which I’m sure goes back to the incredible amount of stress I’m feeling, that I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to work and be normal and fully functional but it’s not happening in any time frame I have imagined. I have little money. My toe hurts. Another miracle : you got me through 14 shots in the toe without having an episode. I’m so tired of doctors and medicines and pain. You’ve pushed me so far – I would venture to say too far – and yet you promise me complete healing. Well, when? Because I can’t keep going on like this. I promise you I can’t. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m dying. And we both know night time is worse for me – tonight, why didn’t the car accident take me? And release me from this painful world? When will you release me from this bondaged body? And I have made a decision : anxiety – I would take anxiety over depression and suicidal thoughts and all of that. It was a hard decision, but that’s what I would pick. So let me pick. And take the other away. I beg of you. And take the episodes and you can leave the stomach stuff – ulcers, gallbladder, throwing up, what have you. Can we compromise? Or is all of this for my greater good? At the end of each day I see and recognize your hand in my life. I will not deny that. I do love you. And I know with your help as I let your love in I’ll feel how much you love me.



Friday, November 8, 2013

accidents happen

yesterday my sister, b, and i were in a car accident. we were going north in her (mercifully) new toyota camery when an older ford pickup came at us going east. he t-boned us - we hit his passenger side with the front of our car. it was very traumatic for b as i am still having the seizure type episodes and had one right after the crash. she pulled me from the car and onto the grass and many many strangers (well, actually angels) stopped to help and assist and call 911. we were blessed by god's great mercy in so many ways. b's right leg is bruised and banged pretty bad and she's sore all over. my back and stomach hurt pretty bad and i'm sore from where the seat belt pulled me back but that's it. we literally walked away from what could have been a life changing event. i won't comment on the other driver. i have little to no compassion for him and his personal choices which affected his ability to make good driving decisions. maybe in a few weeks i'll be able to feel differently. he is ok too.

b and i were both taken by ambulance to the hospital and got checked out. we both got cat scans and were deemed a-ok. we were given medicine to help with the pain as days 2 and 3 are the worst - and this being day 2 i believe that! we high fived each other at 4 am this morning as we each took our pain meds :)

i believe in miracles. and i believe in a god of miracles. and i believe i witnessed a miracle yesterday. i saw my counselor today and she asked me what i learned from this experience : well, i learned that i want to live. that i want to keep going. yes, my life is hard. and yes, i want to give up some days, but really and truly i want to have my own family, i want to be married, i want my career back, i want my life back, i want to LIVE. i am here on this earth, in allen texas, living with my family, for a reason. i have a purpose. i have a great work to do in my life. i am a worth-full individual. i wish i could have recorded our session. it was very therapeutic and helpful. i saw how much good this accident did. god is the author and finisher of time. he will decide when my work on this earth is over and it's time for me to come home. until then, i will stay and live each day.

Saturday, November 2, 2013


i like when people post on facebook everyday what they are grateful for. this year i thought i'd do it on my blog. i'll just update this everyday or every few days with what i am grateful for as the month goes on.

1 - today i am grateful for walks. i am enjoying the cooler weather here in tx and the *finally* changing leaves. it is nice to feel the breeze and sunshine (though as we all know, not too much) on my skin as i walk around the neighborhood.

2 - today i am grateful for my friends. i have been blessed with kind, loving, caring friends who would do anything for me. i love texting a all of my sarcastic comments :) i love texting s and having her text back "i would love to read a one page journal entry on that." i love texting c about her life and my life and how we are each handling the ups and downs. there are other a's, s's, j's, l's, c's, k, m, e, and on and on in my life who support - love - encourage and uplift me. i am grateful for them.

3 - today i am grateful for a girl named blanca. in my service calling at church her calling is to assist/support/help me and she does an AMAZING job! i'm so grateful for her help today.

4 - today i am grateful for prayer. i know god hears and answers my prayers. both big and small. he showed me that again today. so grateful.

5 - today i am grateful for the sweet grandma who let me go in front of her in line at dollar tree. i had 3 things and she had a cart full and she kindly let me go first as we were the only two in line. what a doll.

6 - today i am grateful for A!!!!! it was her birthday and i had such a FABULOUS time celebrating with her! i got to watch her open her gift from me, we went to lunch at our fav restaurant, then we had a private partaaay dancing and laughing until we were both in tears of joy :) it was a wonderful way to spend my day.

7 -  today i am GRATEFUL for airbags, angels, paramedics, policemen, doctors, nurses, medicines, family, friends, prayer, and the many tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

8 - today i am grateful for my therapist susan and how she helped me process the car wreck // aftermath.

9 - today i am grateful for my friend amanda who took my pictures for my christmas card! she did a wonderful job and made the experience fun :)

10 - today i am grateful for church and for the comfort the services bring me.

11 - today i am grateful for facetime and that i got to ft with s and see her.

12 - today i am grateful for the baileys, the gardners, and the lisonbees and that they decorated our front door with hearts and cards and posters of love and get better! it brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart and humility to my soul the amazing outpouring of love so many people have shown b and i through this time.

13 - today i am grateful for powerful prayers.

14 - today i am grateful for my dbt group therapy class.

15 - today i am grateful for the technician who did the ultrasound of my abdomen. she was a god-send and an answer to many prayers. we talked about trusting god and his timing; how god puts us where he wants us to be; how life doesn't always go the way we planned and that's usually to bring us to god; and how god directs each life. at the end i gave her a big hug and thanked her for making my day.

16 - today i am grateful for gatorade, goldfish, and zofran. i have had an upset stomach all day and those three things have really helped me get through the day. bless the makers of them!

17 - today i am grateful for my nieces! they are a joy and a blessing to me. they make me smile and lift me up when i'm sad. their moms are incredible friends of mine and i am thankful to have them in my life.

18 - today i am grateful for the emotion 'anger' and its function to get me to look at my problems instead of avoid them (this is what i learned in my counseling session today). i am grateful that i can feel angry - that i have that right when it fits the facts - and that it's ok to be angry at times.

19 - today i am grateful for the scripture 'oh god where art thou? and where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?' and grateful for this talk that was an answer to my unspoken prayer. it healed my soul.

20 - today i am grateful for doctors who don't forget about me after i walk out of their office; doctors who coordinate care and talk about me and care about me and my health so that i can get better.

21 - today i am grateful for the lady i lived with while i was on my mission, m, and ALL she did/does for me. i am in az visiting her at her house and already she has done so much to make me feel at home and comfortable.

22 - today i am grateful for meds. so so grateful for them and that they can get me through anxious moments and will hopefully soon lift me from this depression.

23 - today i am grateful for delicious hazelnut nutella cake and my amazing aunt l who lives in az who i get to visit with :)

24 - today i am grateful for facetime and my amazing cousins l, j, and m.

25 - today i am grateful for airplanes and that they make it possible for me to visit those i love.

26 - today i am grateful for pain medication and naps!

27 - today i am grateful for big toes - because seriously when they are broken - like both of mine are right now - or better expressed - 'out of order' - it makes life very difficult. so to all the big toes out there - thank you for all you do!
28 - today i am grateful for turkey and the first thanksgiving and the great abundance of food, love, family, and friends in my life.

29 - today i am grateful for fresh flowers and delicious mexican food.

30 - today i am grateful for beautiful red nails :)

and that wraps up 30 days of thanks. what a wonderful way to spend each day - reflecting in how grateful i am for all of god's tender mercies big and small.

today and always, i am so blessed.