Tuesday, October 1, 2013

feeling down


that's how i'm feeling tonight. i hesitate to say sad because i'm more feeling down. having a bout of the blues. i woke up feeling down and with a headache. work was ok. it is hard to feel down and be happy and participate in activities with the girls i work with. but they love me flaws and all and i love them. 

i have noticed little ticks all over my body. my eye. my arm. my leg. little skin twitches. i think some of my vitamin levels are off - my vitamin d levels are usually low when i go in for a physical and i haven't been to one in 2 or 3 years :/ and i'm wondering if my vitamin b is low - so i scheduled a physical with my dr. well not my dr - she's booked until december! but a dr in the practice. i hope she's as good as my dr. and acne - ugh. it just won't go away. creams scrubs pills - doesn't matter. it's here to stay.

there has been a noticeable increase in crying spells in my world. mostly to do with choir. yes, i know, i thought i'd made my peace with it too but i haven't. i did a lot of soul searching and dbt wise mind thinking and decided right now isn't the time for me to be in this choir. so i quit it. but i don't feel relief - or failure. i feel confused. what a strange feeling.

i don't feel like a wind up doll. that would be too much work to try and wind myself up. i feel like a sluggish me with a dreary dark rain cloud looming overhead. it just follows me around. i asked susan if she thinks i'll always be and feel this way. she said she really doesn't think so. i want to put so much hope and faith and trust in that. but i'm too tired to do that.

this song has been going through my mind. it's a confusing song. and it's kind of how i feel - and we'll never be royals - it don't run in our blood ...

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