Sunday, October 27, 2013


disclaimer : my meds are still not correct and so let's all just take a step back and realize that what i'm about to write may or may not be very reality based. it feels like my reality but it may not actually be my reality.

i'm sad. that's no surprise. i've been sad for weeks - trending down-ward. and it's gotten worse with bad med changes and seizures and other upsets i've been feeling. but another great sadness that happens this time of year is the sadness of seeing so many of my friends with their families doing family activities like going to the pumpkin patch and on hay rides, dressing up in family costumes (that will in their teen years most surely embarrass their children :), and doing things together for the first time really and seeing it through a child's eye. maybe that's what i'm mourning tonight. the innocence of seeing this time of year with a child. 

i'm also missing my apartment like crazy. i miss decorating it and having a space and place all to myself. i miss my style and my choices and my routine. truth : i even miss cleaning it. there was no one there to judge me or correct me or tell me what to do and when. it was just me.

and soon - oh so very soon - will come the anniversary date (i hate that it's become so but it has) of when i returned home from my service mission trip. and there are too many emotions that accompany that. 

so tonight, ya, i'm bummed.

wishing i could hold a sleeping baby and snuggle a little piece of heaven.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


my head is killing me. it's a different kind of pain than a migraine or even a headache - it's the pain of withdraw. i saw my shrink thursday and told him i didn't think one of the meds i was taking was working, so now i'm weaning off of it and it's killing me. he also took away another med and added two new ones. that's all fine and dandy but it was a lot for my body to take - and i've been feeling for weeks the feeling of a seizure. it's a hard feeling to describe but it pulls at my body, it's like i'm trying to separate from myself and i feel dizzy and light headed - even a little nauseous. 

friday after work i was home standing by the stairs. i told my dad i wasn't doing well. my mom was walking down the stairs and asked if i was ok - and i just stared straight ahead and i felt it, my eyes starting to cross, the room starting to bend, my body going limp and i collapsed on the floor. hitting my head pretty hard on the wood floor and having a 3-4 minute seizure.

i came out of it ok. i was just so tired. which has always been my complaint when i come out of seizures. i'm so tired. it's like it drains everything from me. i had another one on the couch and then fell asleep into a seizure like sleep - it was very strange. i called my dr and left a message on his emergency line but he didn't call back. soooooo what do you do? i stopped taking one of the new meds that i just don't like/trust.

i had one maybe two i couldn't really tell seizures today. and have felt off all day. like something just needs to click into place. but i don't know what that is. there is a missing piece but i am no shrink and don't have the schooling to know what it is. i really want to go back to dr q. i trust him a lot more than my current shrink.

i feel in my body but not. like if the skin weren't there i'd float out and away. i know my parents are really worried. and i've told s and a. i called susan so she knows and is in the loop. i think i'm doing all the right things i just don't know why it's not easy and why there has to be this relapse or at least what feels like a relapse. 

i'm just really tired and confused. upset and wanting dr q back and in charge. guess i'll just have to wait until monday and see what it brings. 
prayers appreciated.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


i was texting with s the other night.

describing to her a situation that had left me feeling forced into something.

i was upset and anxious over it.

her reply was simple :

"ah yes, i get that. if pushed we do not do well."

that is a sentence of gold.

i do not do well when i am pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

if i'm hesitant enough times when you ask me something, i'm politely saying no.

i don't want to hurt your feelings.

so take the ____ing hint and back off!

there is a reason why i only let two people push me : one is god and one is my therapist.

both are highly skilled and trained at working with people and in particular me.

when they say something i respond and i trust their pushing.

but you - no, i don't trust you - so leave me alone.

back off.

leave me be.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

"believe in miracles"

tonight, i'm sitting quietly in my room. the house is full of sleeping people. my window is open and a gentle breeze is blowing. i am calm and at peace. which is where i need to be to write about such a difficult subject.

depression. more specifically my depression. when i wrote my christmas post last year i talked a bit about my faith. it is a huge part of who i am and what makes me me. i will again return to my 'roots' by referring to my beliefs in reference to a talk i heard this past weekend in a conference my church held. you can learn more about what i believe here.

this talk was given by a man named jeffrey holland. he spoke about mdd - or simply depression. i have taken quotes from his talk that really struck me which are in blue and written my response to them in red.

These afflictions (mental and emotional) are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor. if i had a nickle for every time a therapist told me this exact thing i'd be rich! especially in the beginning. i was told over and over - would you blame someone who has diabetes for needing insulin? then why are you upset with yourself for needing medication? there is something chemically off in the brain and it is ok - good even - to get the help you need. it took me a year to become comfortable with the idea of needing medication and allowing myself to say, my mental illness is real. it is real. and i need real help for it. it is not something i make up for attention or because i'm bored. i do not need to feel ashamed of it or hide it. it is a part of me. and you don't need to feel ashamed either. we all have struggles.

Today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively. he was transitioning from speaking of mental illness in general to specifically depression. i love the words he uses - crater in the mind. if i could smile my blues away, i would. if i could walk out into the sun and have it lift my burdens - and if you've been a reader of mine for long you know how much i dislike the sun - i would. if there were a way to 'get over' depression on my own, don't you think i would've done it? but it's not something that goes away with a smile and a pat on the shoulder. it wears you down, wears you out, and leaves you lifeless. then you have to get up and do something. there have been days where i have - and i almost use the word literally here literally - literally seen the world in grey. there were no colors. i slept all night and most of the day and walking up the stairs was more than i could handle. i wouldn't go to the bathroom - it was too much work. i was so sad. i didn't shower. this was after my visit to the hospital. the depression became a cloud.

Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. i love this! never lose faith that god loves me. he is there. he is real. he cares about me. he knows me. and while he may not have caused this depression - he allowed it for his greater purposes. some purposes i know - most i don't. but it's ok. i'll try to patiently wait.

Try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. i have often written about my apartment on here. it was 'my place my space' and i named it 'the quiet place.' in my room i had the scripture psalm 46:10 "be still and know that i am god" in vinyl letters on my wall. i saw it every day. it was a constant reminder to be still and let god work in my life. lately i have been overwhelmed with getting better and learning dbt and doing all the dbt skills and using them all every day and getting back to work and on and on it circles in my head. the task seems more like tasks and they feel impossible. but i rest in his words "be patient - stand still - wait." these are things i can do while doing my best one day at a time. how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.

stephanie clark neilson - is an incredible woman who he talked about. check out her blog : nienie

 Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. i can honestly say - looking another person in the eyes - that there was a time in my life when i wanted to end my life. it was a dark time. i was mercifully blessed with friends (a and s in particular) and family and a dr who recognized that i wasn't myself or well and got me the help i needed. but when someone says to me in all seriousness 'i want to take my life' my first instinct is now not to convince them otherwise but to hear them out. to listen. ask questions. give advice. empathize. i've been there. i know how rough and real that feeling is.

Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. i think out of all he said this gives me the most hope. i know jesus can heal me. my favorite story in the bible is when jesus heals the woman who had the 'issue of blood' for many years. he says to her 'thy faith hath made thee whole.' to have those words spoken to me by the savior would be amazing. i know he has the power to heal my broken mind. i just have to wait for his timing. there is a moving video of this biblical account here.

the whole talk was wonderful and if you're interested in hearing it or reading it just click on this

here are a few final thoughts.

s always tells me that my future is bright. she tells me to believe in brighter days. there are days where i don't. but most days i can see the brighter future she is talking about. a future where not every day is laced with sadness. there is light at the end of my dark tunnel and it's the light of christ.

in writing all of this tonight i have exposed one of my greatest weaknesses : my depression. but i have to say that as i have written it has come clearly to my mind that it is also one of my greatest strengths. it is funny how god does that - turns our hardest things into our greatest victories. i'm not ashamed of my depression. it's hard and challenging and i don't love it but it's part of me and my journey. so i'll walk in my peace and beauty believing in better days ahead and trusting in god.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

hoot hoot

i don't know when it started - or who started it - but somewhere along the line i became in love with owl decor. i think my sister b gave me my first owl decoration that i put in my apartment. and it was probably s who then told me how wise owls are and how fit it was that i had an owl in my place because i was becoming so wise and learning so much in my life. let's see, that would've been a year and a half ago. and from then on it snowballed. 

i got an owl picture for my bathroom. it tied the whole room in beautifully. i got little owl figurines for my bookcase and table. then of course the holidays rolled around and the owl decor got wonderfully out of control! halloween brought out so much and thanksgiving and yes, even christmas. i have an owl pillow and key chain and owl plates. i love to buy my 'nieces' (my friends'/cousin's babies) onsies covered in owls.

if s were here what more would she say about owls? that they do represent wisdom. that i am wise. even now at this point in my life. even at this moment - tonight - when i feel so down. i am wise to get help and wise to learn dbt skills and use them.

(i even had owl cupcakes for my birthday :)

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

feeling down


that's how i'm feeling tonight. i hesitate to say sad because i'm more feeling down. having a bout of the blues. i woke up feeling down and with a headache. work was ok. it is hard to feel down and be happy and participate in activities with the girls i work with. but they love me flaws and all and i love them. 

i have noticed little ticks all over my body. my eye. my arm. my leg. little skin twitches. i think some of my vitamin levels are off - my vitamin d levels are usually low when i go in for a physical and i haven't been to one in 2 or 3 years :/ and i'm wondering if my vitamin b is low - so i scheduled a physical with my dr. well not my dr - she's booked until december! but a dr in the practice. i hope she's as good as my dr. and acne - ugh. it just won't go away. creams scrubs pills - doesn't matter. it's here to stay.

there has been a noticeable increase in crying spells in my world. mostly to do with choir. yes, i know, i thought i'd made my peace with it too but i haven't. i did a lot of soul searching and dbt wise mind thinking and decided right now isn't the time for me to be in this choir. so i quit it. but i don't feel relief - or failure. i feel confused. what a strange feeling.

i don't feel like a wind up doll. that would be too much work to try and wind myself up. i feel like a sluggish me with a dreary dark rain cloud looming overhead. it just follows me around. i asked susan if she thinks i'll always be and feel this way. she said she really doesn't think so. i want to put so much hope and faith and trust in that. but i'm too tired to do that.

this song has been going through my mind. it's a confusing song. and it's kind of how i feel - and we'll never be royals - it don't run in our blood ...