also, these are trips to see family - so they are emotionally toned. it is not like i'm kicking back on a beach or cruise ship. i'm surrounded by people i love, which adds a heightened level of emotion to it all. and honestly that scares me. i am having a hard time seeing past these next two trips and what life will look like then.
so - i am unsure. and feeling vulnerable. which has nothing to do with tonight's post, but i thought i'd give you a little check in to let you know where i'm writing from.
since i went to the hospital in march, i have only had one instance of self injury. this is a huge accomplishment for me. i have really had to monitor myself and not act on urges/impulses and i have been successful many times.
because i am in a different therapy, there is a specific protocol that has to be followed when an instance of self injury occurs. me and susan go through events leading up to 'the event' and then discuss interventions i could have used. and - hardest of all - i have to make it up to myself // apologize to myself. i have never had to do this before. never had to factor me into the equation. i have always been allowed to hurt me without thinking about how it hurt me. not this time.
so my idea to say 'sorry self' was to get myself a nice pedicure. susan liked and approved of the idea and added to it that i put anti-scaring cream on my wounds. now this caught me off guard and i have to say that i had a hard time processing this. the scars are there for a reason. they are proof that there was pain. to myself and to others. to have them disappear would - to me - feel like there was no pain to begin with. but after some deep thinking, i know this is not true. i bought the - dang expensive - anti-scaring cream but have not been able to put it on yet. maybe one day. until then, i feel i have made it up to myself and i continue to try each day to be successful in not injuring myself.