Saturday, August 3, 2013

dear self, i'm sorry

i get stressed and distressed when there is too much movement in my life. it seems that lately there has been not enough movement (physically, as in things to do) and now there is too much. in the month of august i will have gone on three separate trips. to some this would be wonderful - and i'm not necessarily complaining - i'm just stating how difficult it is for me to be in movement and constant un-sure-ness // away from regular therapist visits and other stabilizing things in my life.

also, these are trips to see family - so they are emotionally toned. it is not like i'm kicking back on a beach or cruise ship. i'm surrounded by people i love, which adds a heightened level of emotion to it all. and honestly that scares me. i am having a hard time seeing past these next two trips and what life will look like then. 

so - i am unsure. and feeling vulnerable. which has nothing to do with tonight's post, but i thought i'd give you a little check in to let you know where i'm writing from.

since i went to the hospital in march, i have only had one instance of self injury. this is a huge accomplishment for me. i have really had to monitor myself and not act on urges/impulses and i have been successful many times. 

because i am in a different therapy, there is a specific protocol that has to be followed when an instance of self injury occurs. me and susan go through events leading up to 'the event' and then discuss interventions i could have used. and - hardest of all - i have to make it up to myself // apologize to myself. i have never had to do this before. never had to factor me into the equation. i have always been allowed to hurt me without thinking about how it hurt me. not this time. 

so my idea to say 'sorry self' was to get myself a nice pedicure. susan liked and approved of the idea and added to it that i put anti-scaring cream on my wounds. now this caught me off guard and i have to say that i had a hard time processing this. the scars are there for a reason. they are proof that there was pain. to myself and to others. to have them disappear would - to me - feel like there was no pain to begin with. but after some deep thinking, i know this is not true. i bought the - dang expensive - anti-scaring cream but have not been able to put it on yet. maybe one day. until then, i feel i have made it up to myself and i continue to try each day to be successful in not injuring myself.

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