partly because i'm tired. and partly because i don't want to stay up too late thinking about things and possibly put myself in a bad mood which then usually leads to trouble.
i am learning so much these days. i have been riding the 'bi-polar-roller' as i call it (though i'm not bipolar) but when i go through weeks with major ups and downs multiple times a day i feel bipolar and like i'm riding an emotional roller coaster. i told susan that and she got it. a lot has been going on and the more i continue to interact with people and function in life the more difficult some things are going to be. i have had a few crying spells. and i did 'finally' break down in susan's office. the way she responded to my tears and emotions was so interesting. i'll write about it another day.
for right now i want to write about urge surfing. it's part of the dbt protocal and something i've been learning how to do. it is 'surfing' your body for emotions and feelings, noticing where you are holding them physically, and then describing them. what are you feeling? where do you feel it? and with urge surfing you do not have to act on that urge. so if for example i am in the middle of a mindfulness practice where i am focusing on my breath for 3 minutes and i notice the urge to scratch my foot, i can let it pass. i do not have to act on that urge. if i do choose to act on that urge i must do it with great awareness, otherwise i let it pass.
urge surfing is hard. describing what i am feeling can be difficult. often it is more than just sad or mad. and sometimes i don't have the right word for it. susan is good at helping me find the word to best fit what i am feeling. then locating where it is in my body can be tricky. it takes time and thought. ok, where am i really feeling this? i have noticed over the last few weeks that a lot of my emotions are felt in my chest. a smothering type feeling.
take some time to practice this.
it's interesting to discover what emotions you are feeling and where they are being housed in your body.