Saturday, July 20, 2013


i love pintrest! it is one of my favorite hobbies. i spend time on there at night when my thoughts are too much or when i may want to hurt myself. i use it for distraction and self soothing. i use it when i'm bored or when i want to get some good ideas. it's such an incredible place and i love pinning away and creating dream boards. some people say that pintrest is like online hoarding :) i think that's funny. i found this quote the other day and it has really stuck with me.

it reminds me a lot of a previous post i wrote called bloom where you're planted, which received a lot of kind feedback. it's one of the more 'beautiful' posts that i have written where i was able to describe what i was feeling well and express it to my readers - or at least that's how i feel about it.

lately with dbt i have become more aware of my thoughts and how much they affect me. susan, my therapist, always asks me where i feel me emotions in my body. at first i thought this was dumb. but i've come to learn that this is so important because by noticing where they are i can relax the muscles of the affected area and calm myself down. my thoughts are connected to my body, mind, spirit. i am a connected individual and soul.

i want my thoughts to produce 'flowers.' good actions, kind thoughts, loving words. too often it is easy to produce weeds. they pop up unannounced and i just let them stay. the whole while not realizing how much they are affecting me physically and spiritually. as i am becoming more aware i am learning what to filter out of my mind and what to allow to stay. this awareness is difficult to master. it will take time and dedication. but i believe the end result is worth the work.

i have also found in the past few weeks my thoughts turning towards god and all the many blessings he has given me. i have heard his voice often in my mind reassuring me that things in my life will come together for my good and that all will work out. there are so many times when i look at where i am and see where i long to be and just shake my head and wonder how the bridge between the two will ever be built, but he has a way. he is the master craftsman and he holds in his hands the blueprints for my life. he understands what i do not and knows why it is important for me to suffer now. i pray everyday for continued patience and understanding. he blesses me with glimpses of my progress and a look at the woman i can be if i will stick to this course he has set me on.

i guess what my thoughts are really turning towards is finding joy in the journey of life. i love this talk given by the president of the church i belong to. he tells so many inspirational stories of people who have found joy in their lives. perhaps you'll take time to listen to it or read it. 'finding joy in the journey'

i love this song i was taught in church as a child. it brings me comfort on hard nights.
I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
 Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

urge surfing

i'm going to keep this short.

partly because i'm tired. and partly because i don't want to stay up too late thinking about things and possibly put myself in a bad mood which then usually leads to trouble.

i am learning so much these days. i have been riding the 'bi-polar-roller' as i call it (though i'm not bipolar) but when i go through weeks with major ups and downs multiple times a day i feel bipolar and like i'm riding an emotional roller coaster. i told susan that and she got it. a lot has been going on and the more i continue to interact with people and function in life the more difficult some things are going to be. i have had a few crying spells. and i did 'finally' break down in susan's office. the way she responded to my tears and emotions was so interesting. i'll write about it another day.

for right now i want to write about urge surfing. it's part of the dbt protocal and something i've been learning how to do. it is 'surfing' your body for emotions and feelings, noticing where you are holding them physically, and then describing them. what are you feeling? where do you feel it? and with urge surfing you do not have to act on that urge. so if for example i am in the middle of a mindfulness practice where i am focusing on my breath for 3 minutes and i notice the urge to scratch my foot, i can let it pass. i do not have to act on that urge. if i do choose to act on that urge i must do it with great awareness, otherwise i let it pass. 

urge surfing is hard. describing what i am feeling can be difficult. often it is more than just sad or mad. and sometimes i don't have the right word for it. susan is good at helping me find the word to best fit what i am feeling. then locating where it is in my body can be tricky. it takes time and thought. ok, where am i really feeling this? i have noticed over the last few weeks that a lot of my emotions are felt in my chest. a smothering type feeling.

take some time to practice this.
it's interesting to discover what emotions you are feeling and where they are being housed in your body.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


i have been learning so much in dbt. it is really helping me. giving me things to do when i want to self harm or feel incapable of handling a life situation. i am beginning to think 'outside' of myself and my anxiety/depression when difficult situations arise - as they always will - and dare i say i'm seeing progress??

this past week i house sat for a friend. it was fun but was a change in routine. and of course with a change in routine comes changes in me. the bed was different so i woke up sore in different spots. and my days have always/lately been thrown off, remaining so there. i feel that's to blame for my long time in between posts. that and my continuous lack of energy. when my energy returns, we will all know i'm cured :) let's all start praying for that !

so - tip - what is that you say?? well, it's this really neat accronym and it is what i'm supposed to start with when self harm urges creep up or when a situation arises that is too big for me to address.

it stands for
t - temperature
i - intensity
p - pressure

first, temperature. you drastically change your body temperature by plunging your face in a bowl full of ice cold water. i haven't been able to convince myself to do this yet so i do cold showers - yikes! - and ice packs. and let me tell you it works. this pulls blood away from your large muscles, clears your brain, and helps you focus.

next, intensity. you do 20 minutes of intense cardio exercise to get your heart rate up and pumping blood back into your muscles.

finally, pressure. you do progressive muscles relaxation to calm your body and slow your heart rate.

you repeat this process until the crisis has passed and/or until you are calm enough to go on and handle the situation/let it go.

now .... i do believe i have made it clear before that i do not like the sun - sweating - being hot - etc etc .... so i usually skip #2 :) but if i were in a really really bad way i'm sure / i'm sure hoping i would do all the steps.

tonight, i'm sitting with ice packs on. if that clues you in to how i'm doing ... and i'm breathing. and trying to embrace some moments and let other moments go. and let the meds do their job and the advil do its job. 

allinall tomorrow will be better, right? right.