Saturday, June 8, 2013

life check-in

since i last wrote, life has been going. tonight, i am ok. i am not as down as i was when i last wrote. so i thought i better write on my blog lest my readers think i only have negative things going on in my life and to say about my life :)

while i was in the hospital i was diagnosed with major depression and borderline personality disorder (bpd) by my attending psychiatrist and my psych dr of 3 years agreed with that diagnosis saying he had it recorded in his notes. i have not really wanted to talk about this. or accept it. truthfully, part of me is still hoping i don't really 'have' it.

but there is a silver lining. and it is that the actions we are seeing me perform and the symptoms i have are all coming from the same place : bpd. and it is cure-able. or treatable i should say. 

the treatment for bpd is called dialectal behavioral therapy (dbt). a lot of good information can be found out about it here. i started reading through some of the articles on this sight tonight and a lot of it resonated with me and made sense as to why i am the way i am.

this whole process is still fresh and new. it stings - hurts. like a fresh wound. i have had my first two visits with my new therapist and nothing personal, but i don't like her. i don't like what i have to do and the changes she is requiring of me. i also don't like working with a female. i've always had male therapists in the past and it has seemed easier to talk with them. 

this whole dbt thing and mindfulness is really tripping me up. it is very different than what i am used to. i would like to say i'm neutral on it but i'm not --- i don't like it. it's not fun. it's painful. it sucks. ok - breathe. take a breath. 

i will insert something s said to me in response to the letter i sent her. she is wise. i respect her. and i want to follow her counsel whenever she gives it to me. 


I like the meditation like exercises.  And the whole thing really sounds right on to this ol hippie.
Open mindedness is key sweetness.  Be Open.  God has given you the mind to figure this out.  
Keep listening, keep trying.

and so, because of her, and the many many others cheering me on, praying for me, sending me notes of encouragement, loving on me, i will keep going.

here is an exercise for you to try. i tried it tonight. it was hard to stay focused and attended on it, but try. 'river rock mindfulness

now - to completely switch topics! i have been totally addicted to this show life and it is/was SO GOOD! i really loved it - though looking back i probably watched it too fast because when my dad or sisters or brother didn't get home from work or school when i thought they would i thought it was because they were murdered. ya. i'm for sure not going into the detective business. but i did enjoy the show and it provided some great distraction which s says is so good. and i agree. 

what else?? one day i'm going to do a post about all of my lovely plants. i have oh idk 10 or 12 house plants that are now room plants. and they are each unique. two were infested with gnats - they got in the soil - so me and dad cleaned them out / re-potted them. now they are healthy and will hopefully start thriving soon. and my room is gnat free!

i'm completely mixed up on my nights and days. i will stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleep until 2 or so in the afternoon. well - then i end up missing the whole day. so tonight just might be the night i stay up all night to try and get back on a decent schedule. it's almost 3am so i'm practically there. problem is i get so tired easily and am very grumpy without sleep. but we shall see.

and lastly i took this personality test. i thought it was interesting. 
i was isfj : results here .

what's your personality type??


  1. Glad things are going okay. It always helps to know what you're dealing with and see hope in the solutions that are available, even if it can be hard to get there.

    Also, here are my results :)

    1. loved your results, ashley! i learned some things about you :) xo