there are so many - many - factors affecting why i am not well in this moment
i would like you to know that there is too much noise in my life. there are noisy personalities in my life and it is weighing me down. it is too loud for me and what i am going through. this loudness gets me "vibing" as you say faster than a lot of things. the loudness is OUT. OF. CONTROL. and i can hardly tolerate it.
i can only see people around me holding IT together. that is all i see. whether or not they are is irrelevant. i see them holding it together while i am falling apart - yet again. crumbling like an over baked cookie. burned from a stay too long in the oven. something which cannot be undone and which will never change. i am an over baked cookie. i feel brown and black - scorched. i taste burnt. my texture is hard and crumbly. i am unwanted and abandon. no one wants an over baked cookie.
i had my first dbt session. here is what mayo clinic says about it :
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT was designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. Generally done through individual, group and phone counseling, DBT uses a skills-based approach combined with physical and meditation-like exercises to teach you how to regulate your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.
my therapist's name is susan. i am neutral. a scared neutral . ugh. honestly i don't like her though it's nothing personal . i don't like what i have to do. what i have to go through. and here are the tears. ah yes, the tears. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER THERAPIST AND ANOTHER THERAPY AND ANOTHER ANOTHER AND COME OUT THE FREAKING SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm worried. concerned. shattered. that in two years i feel i have made so little improvement. i hurt. momma, i don't want to try. i don't want to 'keep an open mind' and try new things. i'm an old soul. and this old soul is done. why does she have to keep trying? why is she not good enough yet?
which leads me to a religious rant. i wonder - especially recently i've been wondering - if my faith in god were greater and my understanding of him and his ways better would i be healed. there are so many stories in the bible of healings. am i just not good enough? is that it. do i not have the right balance of god and action (ie: therapy) in my life? more tears. more tears. more tears.
susan said, first we deal with cutting and other such behaviors. i cry. here is my 'beef' with that. i was doing ok with cutting. sure it wasn't a great behavior but let's look at it in a year and a half span. in that time i cut maybe average every other month. and i went for longer periods of time. so that's just a ROUGH average. then i went into the hospital and all hell broke loose. they found out about it and it became NUMBER ONE on their priority list. why is such a little part of who i am getting so much attention? shouldn't the hurts and pains that are holding me back that then CAUSE or point me to cutting be addressed? she susan said first we stop the cutting then we work on functioning. well. i'm not functioning. when i start functioning i start thinking about cutting. i start wanting to hurt myself when life gets hard. so i think it should be the reverse. but i'm no professional.
she's THE . ONLY . ONE . who takes our insurance. and it would just be too much of a financial burden on my parents to pay out of pocket. so i feel trapped. and it's not that i don't like her. i just don't want to make the journey. yet again. i'm not ready to travel. i'm tired. i'm so tired, momma. so tired. and i just want my life back. my youth. my home. my health. my mind. my energy. my kids. this - this path - that i've somehow stumbled onto or been placed on or whatever - this is not what i intended. it is filled with pain too great to bear. i feel like i'm bleeding. and walking on broken glass. gasping for air. trying to reach conclusions and meanings but it all comes to nothing. i reach out and find emptiness. i hurt and i feel so alone.
i want susan to do psychological testing on me. i want to know if i really do have borderline personality disorder or not. i want facts. i want to know where i fall on a scale of normal.
yesterday i walked around my apartment for the last time. i said goodbye to it. it was empty. didn't smell like my home. it was clean and had carpet lines. it was empty. so similar to how i feel. empty. it was like i hadn't even been there. like i wasn't even a resident. just a ghost. a memory for the walls. i then turned in my keys. turning in a stage of my independence. and it didn't hit me yesterday. starting on the dbt journey or closing the doors on my house. i even went to see a movie. by myself but that was ok. i thought i was ok. i acted ' well ' . is there such a thing ?? i had had a horrible night worrying about meeting susan. up until 4 panicking . but i ate dinner with the family and did dishes. probably more but my memory sucks these days.
but today. today. i canceled babysitting that i had at noon because i knew at 10 i was not ok. i felt awful . i stayed in bed. and hid. and played dead. until 5 when i took my morning meds. then 7 dad took me out to buy me a new coach purse. it was my prize from him for finishing iop. that deserves a happy face. so pretend i put one. and i like my new purse . on a different day i would probably love it. it's colorful and cute. then he got me a sonic shake and we went and saw a movie . all together and out and about. but it's just a distraction for moments. in the end i'm hollow and empty. i'm nothing. and if nothing then why do i exist? i don't want to work to get better. haven't i done enough, god? and yet i am rendered this. a blob of human flesh . nothing . a waste of skin most days. doing no good. doing no bad. making no progress. crying.
i feel like there are hundreds of other points i'd like to make. but i'm too sad. or hollow.