Sunday, June 2, 2013

dear momma z

*this is a fresh and raw letter i wrote to s (aka momma z) today. i have neglected my blog lately. too much has been going on. this may catch you up.*

i do no feel well
i am not well
that is how i would describe myself if someone were to ask
i'm sitting here in my bed, showered, trying to decide why
there are so many - many - factors affecting why i am not well in this moment

i would like you to know that there is too much noise in my life. there are noisy personalities in my life and it is weighing me down. it is too loud for me and what i am going through. this loudness gets me "vibing" as you say faster than a lot of things. the loudness is OUT. OF. CONTROL. and i can hardly tolerate it.

i can only see people around me holding IT together. that is all i see. whether or not they are is irrelevant. i see them holding it together while i am falling apart - yet again. crumbling like an over baked cookie. burned from a stay too long in the oven. something which cannot be undone and which will never change. i am an over baked cookie. i feel brown and black - scorched. i taste burnt. my texture is hard and crumbly. i am unwanted and abandon. no one wants an over baked cookie.

i had my first dbt session. here is what mayo clinic says about it :

dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT was designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. Generally done through individual, group and phone counseling, DBT uses a skills-based approach combined with physical and meditation-like exercises to teach you how to regulate your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.

my therapist's name is susan. i am neutral. a scared neutral . ugh. honestly i don't like her though it's nothing personal . i don't like what i have to do. what i have to go through. and here are the tears. ah yes, the tears. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER THERAPIST AND ANOTHER THERAPY AND ANOTHER ANOTHER AND COME OUT THE FREAKING SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm worried. concerned. shattered. that in two years i feel i have made so little improvement. i hurt. momma, i don't want to try. i don't want to 'keep an open mind' and try new things. i'm an old soul. and this old soul is done. why does she have to keep trying? why is she not good enough yet?

which leads me to a religious rant. i wonder - especially recently i've been wondering - if my faith in god were greater and my understanding of him and his ways better would i be healed. there are so many stories in the bible of healings. am i just not good enough? is that it. do i not have the right balance of god and action (ie: therapy) in my life? more tears. more tears. more tears.

susan said, first we deal with cutting and other such behaviors. i cry. here is my 'beef' with that. i was doing ok with cutting. sure it wasn't a great behavior but let's look at it in a year and a half span. in that time i cut maybe average every other month. and i went for longer periods of time. so that's just a ROUGH average. then i went into the hospital and all hell broke loose. they found out about it and it became NUMBER ONE on their priority list. why is such a little part of who i am getting so much attention? shouldn't the hurts and pains that are holding me back that then CAUSE or point me to cutting be addressed? she susan said first we stop the cutting then we work on functioning. well. i'm not functioning. when i start functioning i start thinking about cutting. i start wanting to hurt myself when life gets hard. so i think it should be the reverse. but i'm no professional.

she's THE . ONLY . ONE . who takes our insurance. and it would just be too much of a financial burden on my parents to pay out of pocket. so i feel trapped. and it's not that i don't like her. i just don't want to make the journey. yet again. i'm not ready to travel. i'm tired. i'm so tired, momma. so tired. and i just want my life back. my youth. my home. my health. my mind. my energy. my kids. this - this path - that i've somehow stumbled onto or been placed on or whatever - this is not what i intended. it is filled with pain too great to bear. i feel like i'm bleeding. and walking on broken glass. gasping for air. trying to reach conclusions and meanings but it all comes to nothing. i reach out and find emptiness. i hurt and i feel so alone.

i want susan to do psychological testing on me. i want to know if i really do have borderline personality disorder or not. i want facts. i want to know where i fall on a scale of normal.

yesterday i walked around my apartment for the last time. i said goodbye to it. it was empty. didn't smell like my home. it was clean and had carpet lines. it was empty. so similar to how i feel. empty. it was like i hadn't even been there. like i wasn't even a resident. just a ghost. a memory for the walls. i then turned in my keys. turning in a stage of my independence. and it didn't hit me yesterday. starting on the dbt journey or closing the doors on my house. i even went to see a movie. by myself but that was ok. i thought i was ok. i acted ' well ' . is there such a thing ?? i had had a horrible night worrying about meeting susan. up until 4 panicking . but i ate dinner with the family and did dishes. probably more but my memory sucks these days.

but today. today. i canceled babysitting that i had at noon because i knew at 10 i was not ok. i felt awful . i stayed in bed. and hid. and played dead. until 5 when i took my morning meds. then 7 dad took me out to buy me a new coach purse. it was my prize from him for finishing iop. that deserves a happy face. so pretend i put one. and i like my new purse . on a different day i would probably love it. it's colorful and cute. then he got me a sonic shake and we went and saw a movie . all together and out and about. but it's just a distraction for moments. in the end i'm hollow and empty. i'm nothing. and if nothing then why do i exist? i don't want to work to get better. haven't i done enough, god? and yet i am rendered this. a blob of human flesh . nothing . a waste of skin most days. doing no good. doing no bad. making no progress. crying.

i feel like there are hundreds of other points i'd like to make. but i'm too sad. or hollow.

daughter r


  1. this week i made a giant batch of cookies. i hadn't made them in this oven before, and i had to play around with the baking time before i found the right amount of time. one batch came out burnt. it made me sad - like you said, who wants a burnt cookie? later in the day i absentmindedly picked one up to eat it. holy cow, it was delicious. the extra heat did something amazing to these cookies. they aren't how i typically like them, but i found myself wishing i had burned more of them. extra heat can do beautiful things sometimes.

    i know that might not mean much to you, especially if you are not feeling too great to start with while you read this. but you are loved. you are worthwhile. you are a valuable soul. and you are every bit as beautiful to me now, reading all of this, as you were when you were 12 years old and i was your babysitter:) i'm so sorry you have to go through this. it's frustrating - especially when you throw in the faith question. the first thing that came to mind is the story of the woman with the issue of blood for 12 years. she had faith that if she could just touch the garment of the Savior, she would be made whole. sometimes i wonder why she had to wait until she actually touched his clothes to be healed. certainly she had enough faith before that exact moment, right? why do any of us have to endure through things when surely we have enough faith to have it taken away? maybe we have to have enough faith to have it stay. i don't know. i do know that it's hard. i haven't been through all that you've been through, but i've been through some pretty dark times. times when i felt very much the same as one of those empty mason jars. it's awful and cold. it makes you question things that your friends have never had reason to question, and do and think things that make no sense to others. i don't know why i'm writing all of this to you - certainly you know your life much better than i! but i want you to know you are loved. i never see your name on facebook without smiling to myself. even with all your percieved brokenness, you are beautiful to me. i think of you as my little sister, and i am so proud of who you are - the good and the bad. hold on, dear girl! i love ya!

    1. you have said some amazing things. things i needed to hear. and things i have heard recently but needed to be reminded of. the story of the woman with the issue of blood is one of my favorites. i have always related to it and pondered on it. what you said really struck me : maybe we have to have enough faith to have it stay. that is a lot like a story told by elder bednar in a recent devotional; he asked a couple if they had the faith to not be healed. i have been promised healing. but i was not given a time for that healing. it may be now. it may be in the eternities. do i have faith to live with this. to embrace it and live with my mental illness. you have told me some of what you have struggled with - which makes me love and admire you all the more - and respect what you have to say. i know you have been through dark times. it doesn't have to be my dark times to be relate-able to what i'm going through. you have always brought me a sense of joy. you see me as a younger sister - i see you as an older sister :) and i am so grateful for that connection. you posts on fb make me smile and i always look forward to reading what your little family has been up to in your blog. thank you for reminding me that maybe over cooked cookies aren't all that bad. extra heat does do wonders to things - 'refiner's fire' and all. in time, i suppose i will understand. thank you for your insight. you were inspired to write. kind and loving to take the time to do so. xo