Thursday, June 27, 2013

conveyor belt

i learned something really cool from susan in dbt therapy. i thought i'd pass it along to my reader's so we can all benefit from it :)

it's called the 'conveyor belt.'

at night, when you are settling in to sleep, begin by focusing on your breathing.

then, when you have thoughts come, picture a conveyor belt.

and as a thought comes, picture it rolling across the conveyor belt.

pick it up and sort it into a bucket.

that bucket may be labeled "grocery items," "childhood memories," "self harm thoughts," "tasks for tomorrow," "worries/concerns," "bills," or any other number of bucket labels.

sort the thought into the bucket and then return to focusing on your breathing. as the next thought comes, take it and sort it. repeat and repeat.

this simple exercise is to help you put some space between you and your thoughts. it also forces them to slow down and gives you time to think about them a little and let them go.

i have found it so helpful in the few weeks i've been using it.

i hope you find success with it too!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

life check-in

since i last wrote, life has been going. tonight, i am ok. i am not as down as i was when i last wrote. so i thought i better write on my blog lest my readers think i only have negative things going on in my life and to say about my life :)

while i was in the hospital i was diagnosed with major depression and borderline personality disorder (bpd) by my attending psychiatrist and my psych dr of 3 years agreed with that diagnosis saying he had it recorded in his notes. i have not really wanted to talk about this. or accept it. truthfully, part of me is still hoping i don't really 'have' it.

but there is a silver lining. and it is that the actions we are seeing me perform and the symptoms i have are all coming from the same place : bpd. and it is cure-able. or treatable i should say. 

the treatment for bpd is called dialectal behavioral therapy (dbt). a lot of good information can be found out about it here. i started reading through some of the articles on this sight tonight and a lot of it resonated with me and made sense as to why i am the way i am.

this whole process is still fresh and new. it stings - hurts. like a fresh wound. i have had my first two visits with my new therapist and nothing personal, but i don't like her. i don't like what i have to do and the changes she is requiring of me. i also don't like working with a female. i've always had male therapists in the past and it has seemed easier to talk with them. 

this whole dbt thing and mindfulness is really tripping me up. it is very different than what i am used to. i would like to say i'm neutral on it but i'm not --- i don't like it. it's not fun. it's painful. it sucks. ok - breathe. take a breath. 

i will insert something s said to me in response to the letter i sent her. she is wise. i respect her. and i want to follow her counsel whenever she gives it to me. 


I like the meditation like exercises.  And the whole thing really sounds right on to this ol hippie.
Open mindedness is key sweetness.  Be Open.  God has given you the mind to figure this out.  
Keep listening, keep trying.

and so, because of her, and the many many others cheering me on, praying for me, sending me notes of encouragement, loving on me, i will keep going.

here is an exercise for you to try. i tried it tonight. it was hard to stay focused and attended on it, but try. 'river rock mindfulness

now - to completely switch topics! i have been totally addicted to this show life and it is/was SO GOOD! i really loved it - though looking back i probably watched it too fast because when my dad or sisters or brother didn't get home from work or school when i thought they would i thought it was because they were murdered. ya. i'm for sure not going into the detective business. but i did enjoy the show and it provided some great distraction which s says is so good. and i agree. 

what else?? one day i'm going to do a post about all of my lovely plants. i have oh idk 10 or 12 house plants that are now room plants. and they are each unique. two were infested with gnats - they got in the soil - so me and dad cleaned them out / re-potted them. now they are healthy and will hopefully start thriving soon. and my room is gnat free!

i'm completely mixed up on my nights and days. i will stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleep until 2 or so in the afternoon. well - then i end up missing the whole day. so tonight just might be the night i stay up all night to try and get back on a decent schedule. it's almost 3am so i'm practically there. problem is i get so tired easily and am very grumpy without sleep. but we shall see.

and lastly i took this personality test. i thought it was interesting. 
i was isfj : results here .

what's your personality type??

Sunday, June 2, 2013

dear momma z

*this is a fresh and raw letter i wrote to s (aka momma z) today. i have neglected my blog lately. too much has been going on. this may catch you up.*

i do no feel well
i am not well
that is how i would describe myself if someone were to ask
i'm sitting here in my bed, showered, trying to decide why
there are so many - many - factors affecting why i am not well in this moment

i would like you to know that there is too much noise in my life. there are noisy personalities in my life and it is weighing me down. it is too loud for me and what i am going through. this loudness gets me "vibing" as you say faster than a lot of things. the loudness is OUT. OF. CONTROL. and i can hardly tolerate it.

i can only see people around me holding IT together. that is all i see. whether or not they are is irrelevant. i see them holding it together while i am falling apart - yet again. crumbling like an over baked cookie. burned from a stay too long in the oven. something which cannot be undone and which will never change. i am an over baked cookie. i feel brown and black - scorched. i taste burnt. my texture is hard and crumbly. i am unwanted and abandon. no one wants an over baked cookie.

i had my first dbt session. here is what mayo clinic says about it :

dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT was designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. Generally done through individual, group and phone counseling, DBT uses a skills-based approach combined with physical and meditation-like exercises to teach you how to regulate your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.

my therapist's name is susan. i am neutral. a scared neutral . ugh. honestly i don't like her though it's nothing personal . i don't like what i have to do. what i have to go through. and here are the tears. ah yes, the tears. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER THERAPIST AND ANOTHER THERAPY AND ANOTHER ANOTHER AND COME OUT THE FREAKING SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm worried. concerned. shattered. that in two years i feel i have made so little improvement. i hurt. momma, i don't want to try. i don't want to 'keep an open mind' and try new things. i'm an old soul. and this old soul is done. why does she have to keep trying? why is she not good enough yet?

which leads me to a religious rant. i wonder - especially recently i've been wondering - if my faith in god were greater and my understanding of him and his ways better would i be healed. there are so many stories in the bible of healings. am i just not good enough? is that it. do i not have the right balance of god and action (ie: therapy) in my life? more tears. more tears. more tears.

susan said, first we deal with cutting and other such behaviors. i cry. here is my 'beef' with that. i was doing ok with cutting. sure it wasn't a great behavior but let's look at it in a year and a half span. in that time i cut maybe average every other month. and i went for longer periods of time. so that's just a ROUGH average. then i went into the hospital and all hell broke loose. they found out about it and it became NUMBER ONE on their priority list. why is such a little part of who i am getting so much attention? shouldn't the hurts and pains that are holding me back that then CAUSE or point me to cutting be addressed? she susan said first we stop the cutting then we work on functioning. well. i'm not functioning. when i start functioning i start thinking about cutting. i start wanting to hurt myself when life gets hard. so i think it should be the reverse. but i'm no professional.

she's THE . ONLY . ONE . who takes our insurance. and it would just be too much of a financial burden on my parents to pay out of pocket. so i feel trapped. and it's not that i don't like her. i just don't want to make the journey. yet again. i'm not ready to travel. i'm tired. i'm so tired, momma. so tired. and i just want my life back. my youth. my home. my health. my mind. my energy. my kids. this - this path - that i've somehow stumbled onto or been placed on or whatever - this is not what i intended. it is filled with pain too great to bear. i feel like i'm bleeding. and walking on broken glass. gasping for air. trying to reach conclusions and meanings but it all comes to nothing. i reach out and find emptiness. i hurt and i feel so alone.

i want susan to do psychological testing on me. i want to know if i really do have borderline personality disorder or not. i want facts. i want to know where i fall on a scale of normal.

yesterday i walked around my apartment for the last time. i said goodbye to it. it was empty. didn't smell like my home. it was clean and had carpet lines. it was empty. so similar to how i feel. empty. it was like i hadn't even been there. like i wasn't even a resident. just a ghost. a memory for the walls. i then turned in my keys. turning in a stage of my independence. and it didn't hit me yesterday. starting on the dbt journey or closing the doors on my house. i even went to see a movie. by myself but that was ok. i thought i was ok. i acted ' well ' . is there such a thing ?? i had had a horrible night worrying about meeting susan. up until 4 panicking . but i ate dinner with the family and did dishes. probably more but my memory sucks these days.

but today. today. i canceled babysitting that i had at noon because i knew at 10 i was not ok. i felt awful . i stayed in bed. and hid. and played dead. until 5 when i took my morning meds. then 7 dad took me out to buy me a new coach purse. it was my prize from him for finishing iop. that deserves a happy face. so pretend i put one. and i like my new purse . on a different day i would probably love it. it's colorful and cute. then he got me a sonic shake and we went and saw a movie . all together and out and about. but it's just a distraction for moments. in the end i'm hollow and empty. i'm nothing. and if nothing then why do i exist? i don't want to work to get better. haven't i done enough, god? and yet i am rendered this. a blob of human flesh . nothing . a waste of skin most days. doing no good. doing no bad. making no progress. crying.

i feel like there are hundreds of other points i'd like to make. but i'm too sad. or hollow.

daughter r