Saturday, May 11, 2013

cont

i am on probably the worst sleeping cycle i have ever been on in my life. it's still roughly 10 hours just from the hours of 2 am to 12 pm with a nap in the afternoon which then makes going to bed any earlier impossible dragging on the hours until 2 am when i can finally drift off. and on days when i have my therapy class and have to get up 'early' as in 8 i have to chug at least 3 glasses of mountain dew before i'm even semi-cognitively functioning.

my days continue to swing from up to down - up - down. i'll have a day or two that are good where i can get a few things done and feel productive and then crash - a day where i can't and refuse to get out of bed. the depression overtakes me and i just let it. it's too much to fight. and i don't have it in me to fight. 

some startling news that has me whirling is for the beginning of this whole process since i went in the hospital, others have been fighting for me - my parents, therapists, social workers, and now it's coming down to me fighting for me. i don't feel like i have that kind of strength. and not only that but i don't really want to fight for me. i don't feel like i'm worth it.

my mom told me tonight that depression is like looking through black glasses - everything is dark and distorted. that may be. i'm not sure. what i feel does seem dark. weary. heavy. and what i think i can do becomes limited by each passing day. sure, i have better days but somehow looking back the darkness seems to overcome the light and it all becomes a blur.

i really don't know how to explain it or lead into it so i'll just give a mushy transition and say .... 

dun da daaaa 

::: 


i wish i could hack into her blog post and write in red all of my commentary and my journey as related to her story. she puts so powerfully into words what i have felt so deeply. why can't people see how dead my fish are? why can't they just acknowledge that they are dead? how do you tell someone that you don't want to kill yourself you just want to be dead? why does everyone try to cheer you up and say things like it can only get better - mind over matter - you can do this //// NO I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i haven't found my piece of corn yet. that one thing that makes me laugh and hope again. oh, i have 'pockets of happiness' as god told me the other day. but sometimes it's hard to remember when i'm overcome with clouds of doom. i want me back. i want my life back. and i don't want to work for it. because i'm too tired to work for it.

i guess that's it.

*here's her first post on depression. she wrote this 18 months ago and then fell off the blog world. she is a great writer and i really enjoy reading her blog. knowing that she has and is struggling with depression only makes me like her more.