this weekend i participated in a conference held by my church. the speakers were uplifting. i came with a specific question for god and it was answered.
one speaker in particular has a way of touching my heart. he spoke of darkness and light. perhaps, he said, you feel your life is covered by darkness for many different reasons including a difficult medical diagnosis (and into my head popped 'major depression'). i promise you, he went on, that darkness cannot exist where there is light. and the light you are looking for is the light of christ.
i felt so much hope as i thought about the light that can come into my life as i focus on god and his son jesus christ. in this moment - today - right now - i see that i have things to live for.
don't get me wrong. i'm still struggling. especially with showering - i mean every day every day every day ! - it's so hard - and getting dressed - the small things that i used to be able to do. i've totally given up on making my bed. it's just a battle i'm not willing to fight and therefore not going to win.
but i am worth the effort of living. i texted s a few sad days ago and said that to choose life is to choose work. death seems easier. i'm sure we don't just float around all day but there would be time for that - and there are days when i could use 1,000 hours of floating with the clouds.
but i am worth the investment - financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and time wise - of getting better. this has all just come to me. i am worth a life experience.
i saw my counselor shane on friday. he gave me the homework assignment to create a vacation or 'look ahead' board. something where i can put my dreams and hopes on. something that can hold my excitement and plans for the future. your past is bumming you out, he said, but the future is bright.
believe in your bright future, s always says. constantly reminding me that there is good to come.
i pray. often. and hear god answer my questions through thoughts in my head. the other day he asked me 'tell me what you hope will happen with this situation you have been given' (going inpatient, pausing the job, intensive therapy, giving up the apartment, moving home to family, etc). i dismissed his question at first, though i had an answer. he asked me again this past weekend as i was thinking of a question to ask him during the conference. so i told him. and he smiled.
god is also asking me to look ahead. to focus on what is to be. the sun will rise on another day.
another day for me to live, breathe, and dream.
he has lifted my burden for a time and guess what?
he'll do the same for you.