Monday, April 22, 2013

H.O.P.E.

my life has changed so drastically.

i don't know where to 'start.'

depression. sucks.

seriously. depression for me has become being one with my bed. the things i used to be able to do every day seem like mountains i am unable to climb ::: brushing my hair, taking a shower, washing my face, brushing my teeth, eating. this list could go on forever. because when you feel empty, hollow, lost and alone, these things don't matter

it's 'funny' that the only thing you can feel with depression is sadness. the joy goes away, the happiness, the excitement, it all exits stage right and center stage forward : sadness. depression is such a downer of a word too. whoever named it named it well. it makes you feel down just saying it.

i used to be so ocd about showering every day. it was really very important to me. now, i can't. it takes so much energy i need a nap after.

so much of this will make no sense to many. but hopefully i can validate even one person. you're not alone. and no, it's not normal. 

along with these lovely feelings i was suicidal, that's why i had to go to the hospital. the thoughts came on so slowly. and then i became fixated on them. i couldn't find a rational way out of my problems and it seemed the only way to 'fix' my problems was to end my life. the pain of living felt greater than the pain of dying. i'm grateful for a wise doctor who saw the signs and admitted me quickly; for supportive parents and loving friends who visited me.

but i will be very clear and transparent when i say that there have been days since when i have wished that i had had the courage to take my life rather than stay here and do all of the recovery work. the path of recovery is more painful and difficult than i ever could have imagined. and no one truly understands unless they have walked this lonely, broken road.

i have been told that my current actions/thoughts - such as cutting and wanting to walk in front of a moving car - are not healthy coping behaviors and they need to be addressed. though i feel empty, i have been told there is 'hope.' a therapy called dialectical behavior therapy - dbt - is what my next stepping stone will most likely be. it's scary and overwhelming, but i can't live like this. i have to do something to get out of this hell pit i'm in.

so - to sum this post all up - depression sucks. really, really sucks. and if you are struggling with depression : i understand : and if you are supporting someone with depression : please be patient with them and work with them where they are. i'm not always this calm and clear headed about how i'm doing - in fact usually i'm either sleeping, attending therapy, or watching tv - those are the only places my thoughts don't get the better of me - but i've had my dose of xanax tonight. i really need to wax my legs but that seems like a task i will never be able to do. maybe one day.

and until then, i'll remember this 

::::



H.old
O.n
P.ain
E.nds

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