Thursday, April 11, 2013

a collection of poems

over the years i have written some poems about what i have been going through. i have found poetry to be a good outlet for me - a way to express what i'm feeling and process new emotions. here are some poems starting back in 2011 when i was really struggling with anger (and i've been real open about how i've dealt with that emotion on my blog - just type in the search bar 'anger' :).

Miss Angry
Today I am angry.
Not mad or upset or put-out.
I am angry.
Today it’s
Hell not heck;
Damn not dang;
Ass not butt;
Pissed not ticked;
Sucks not stinks;
Shit not poop.
And my anger, she grows
when you tell her not to speak.
She yells and screams and demands to finally be heard.
“Listen!” she yells.
I try to hide her inside – my stomach hurts.
“I must speak!” she screams.
I try to quiet her, shut my mouth, – my jaw aches.
“I will be acknowledged!” she demands.
I try to turn my thoughts off – my head throbs.
Lights off, noise off.
Dark room, cool room.
Lay down.
Listen to her – loud then soft then silent,
I welcome the medication.
Miss Angry leaves for now, but will be back.
April 8, 2011

“Failure: Loss of ability to function normally.”

Her hands come slowly around my chest.
Breaths now shallow; lungs are hollow.
She courses through my breast.
I find no room to swallow.

Trickling down, she enters my hands,
numbing my arms in her path.
They once functioned as one; now in strands.
She pushes on unleashing her full wrath.

Deeper now - into my feet.
My legs ache as she pounds at my mold.
Faster now – nothing sweet.
Almost done; my limbs are so cold.

Racing up, her commander in there,
the thought who started it all.
“I am so ugly with clothes too small to wear!”
So began the rolling of the ball.

Paralyzed, I cannot face society,
all parts filled with anxiety.
April 8, 2011

Empty, incomplete, unsettled,
lost and hollow inside;
no ambition, no hope, no dreams.

It’s a strange sensation
to feel purposeless and directionless.
I don’t understand the meaning of this day.

What have I accomplished?
Nothing to check off my list –
No List.

Yet, the day happened.
I lived it, I’m sure; but looking back
it’s as if I didn’t.

I left no lasting impression on the day;
no change in the course of my life or others.
In a word, I am: Useless.

Have I out of necessity done this?
No Feelings – No Pain
I hurt too deeply to feel each day.

If I felt the pain I feel in moments
every day – even once every day –
I would not survive.

It’s personal, raw, torturous, mean,
aggressive, deflating, angry and sharp.
That’s my pain.

I do not feel.
I cannot feel.
I must not feel.

What is well?
What is normal?
When will “I” return?
May 18, 2011

I. Am. Fragile.
I. Am. Protective.
I. Am. Scared.
I. Am. Anxious.
I. Feel. Heavy.
I. Feel. Confused.
I. Feel. Closed.
I. Feel. Angry.
I. Want. Relief.
I. Want. Now.
I. Want. Over.
I. Want. Done.
I will wait. 
June 21, 2011

Dark and dreary,
lacking sleep.
Pressure building:
begin to weep.

Ruthless, mean, sharp:
That’s me.
Is it
who they see?

Calm, humble, patient,
she hides:
and listens
to those lies.

Growing stronger; bright.
She knows
the seeds
The Gardner sows.

He lifts sights;
I strive
to see.
I am alive.
June 21, 2011

the mood of my poems changed around this time. therapy and meds started working better and i had more hope in my journey.


Open my heart and give room
I begin to create space,
and think there’s no place.
This heart overcome with gloom.

Fear is my friend.
I know he’ll say,
“See, you’ve failed in every way.
There is no way to mend.”

Why is the thing I hate the most
the one I turn to and trust?
He seems to be a welcoming host,
but gives me only crumb and crust.

How do I turn to my Savior who’s true?
What do I become?  What do I do?
April 4, 2011

Eyes of a Shepherd
There He stands, holding his staff,
Tenderly watching those He loves.
His eyes bring peace as the doves.
Did He see my other half? 

Try again; look up.
See! He beckons across the field.
He covenants to be my shield.
Doubt returns - fills my cup
“Come, little Lamb, come to me.”
His loving arms reach out.
“Shepherd, no, I’m not like thee.”
“Come and I’ll remove the doubt.”

I begin to walk; Rising dust
leads me to a greater trust.
April 8, 2011

To Thee
I do not trust, I cannot see,
Oh, Lord, please bring me safe to Thee.
Weight, pain, I cannot bear,
Oh, Lord, please show me how to share.
Anguish creeps into my soul,
Oh, Lord, please take control.
I thought I knew my role,
Oh, Lord, please make me whole.
Fears and doubts cloak my prayer;
Oh, Lord, please lift this care.
Help me cross unknown paths, I plea.
Oh, Lord, please bring me safe to Thee.
September 29, 2011 

and here we have some poems of the present day. all inspired by something s has said to me :) enjoy

Five pills
To counteract sad
That brings me down
And starts the cycle
All over again
Take meds!
March 31, 2013

a poem
my stupid therapy classes
are FULL of jack assess!
well, that's not true.
they just leave me blue.
thinking of all i have to do.
we sit in tables of four
feet placed on the floor
from the hospital we came
cause we were going insane
and it wasn't a game
listen and take notes
coping skills shoved down our throats
process it all in group
their advice sends me for a loop
i feel like poop
April 9, 2013

Mental Health
ills ills ills create the need for
pills pills pills which start the cycle of
bills bills bills which make me ill ill ill.
April 11, 2013

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