Saturday, April 27, 2013

... 100 posts later ...

may 11, 2012  to april 27, 2013 is roughly 11 months and 17 days.

that is the time from my first blog post to now, my 100th blog post :)

i wanted to do something special for this post. so i decided to dedicate it to someone special

i am blessed to have so many incredible people in my life. so many friends who love and support me during my bad/rough days. family who cares for me and gently loves me as i try to get well. i feel the love of so many.

there is someone in particular who encouraged me to start writing about my journey and who has inspired me throughout the process of discovering my life. 
that person is s.

sometimes i wonder if my readers think s is real or if she's a person i've made up. well she's real :) and she's amazing. she is-to me-a friend, mentor, and momma.

i've wondered how to best present my 100th post dedicated to s and want to do it in 9 points on the subject of 'how s has changed my life for the better' written to her. *feel free to read along*

1 ::: s, from the very first moment we met, you told me i was smart. and i believed you. we met at my friend's house. you were doing speech there. and you knew i was smart. from that first moment. you have a natural ability to look at a person and see his or her good. you did that for me. believed in me. i think that's a moment when i started believing in myself.

2 ::: you taught me to start with people where they are. when we were working together and you were my supervisor that's the first thing you taught me about my speech kids. i can't expect them to be speaking tomorrow. speech takes time. and later as we became friends and not just co-workers, you taught me that mental health disorders take time. i have to start where i am and work from there. this has been especially comforting recently as i have had to step back and go back to the basics of functioning. i'm not where i used to be. i'm where i'm at. and i have to start there.

3 ::: you wrote me while i was on my mission trip. you took time out of your life to stay in touch with me. i can't tell you how much that means to me. getting a card from you was a piece of heaven in my day. it always brought a smile to my face and comforted my heart. i knew you cared about me and that we were true friends. i have said this to you recently, but i want to say it again : your style of writing has a comfortable and real read to it. with all of your creative drawings and appropriate uses of caPitaLs it makes them interesting and fun! no one writes the way you do - ah! i wish i could explain this better. you have such a unique way of writing. with excellently placed and planned ///\\\ and *** and spaces and ## your writing invites the reader to take more away from your words than just your words. yes maybe that's it. and - that's why your book will be a success.

4 ::: you inspire me to dream. 

5 ::: when i fall down, you remind me that i am precious cargo. that i am worth more than i think and that i am dear to you. we both know that i've struggled with self injury. every time i 'fall down' with this one, you remind me to take care of my wounds and myself and that all will be well soon. i am precious to you.  you gave me the poem desiderata. it has been such a balm to my wounded soul at times when i cannot express the pain i am in. it's like the poem gets me and brings me back to a safe place and reminds me of the simple tasks i need to focus on to get through the day. left foot right foot, right momma?

6 ::: remember that time when we bought a dog? *wink wink* ;) you taught me the importance of pet therapy! and though mine didn't last as long as yours has i have ^hope^ that one day i will be able to what a classic moment that was. there i was holding abby in the store. i look up at you, "um, i'm buying this dog...." you : "i'm not giving nor not giving you permission to buy this dog" best.thing.ever. to say! you get it. you always have and you always will. it doesn't matter that it didn't work out with me and owning a pet at that time. you supported my right to make a decision and be an individual. and ya, looking back on that situation, we totally should've gone looking for a rocking chair ;)

7 ::: you taught me the importance of S O N I C ! and. that no matter what, i am always safe at sonic. always. there, i can go and press a lovely red button, have a kind voice ask me what i want and i can say any drink in the world - seriously over 300,000 combinations - and have it delivered to my car. i can sit there for as long as i need to and not be disturbed. if i get hungry, just press the red button again. always bring something to write on. there is good processing that can be done at sonic. it's a safe place to go when my world gets to be too much.

8 ::: this is so fresh. it happened so recently. but. remember when i went inpatient because i was ready to end my life? after all of that i came away a muted angry and one day you sent me one of the most reassuring letters i have ever received in my life. 5 reasons to live. five reasons to L I V E. to live my life.

First reason
i dont want you to
Reason Two
we have not sat and chatted
about them (shrinks/counselors) as best that
can be chatted up and on
and through about it all.
You have not read my book.
Reason Three. You have to \
wait to be done with life.
Reason Four you might
Hate to Hear, but Rachel
You have not tried enough
medications and therapists
to give up yet. 
Reason Five - if you live
like me I predict you will be
hard pressed to feel the depth
of sadness you feel now.

those are your exact reasons. you wrote more under each one. but those are for me to read and hold onto. your writing is so beautiful. and those reasons kept/\keep me alive. especially the first one. thank you.

9 ::: because no one can make up words like we can :) hoohaa being one of my favorites ! some of our other texting traditions that come to mind are checking in with each other with a number and color or you sending me peace and air at the end of each text. i know it changes the way i feel. just like for the first year after i was home from my mission trip you texted me to 'remember to breathe' and that's how i learned therapeutic breathing. not in an office with a counselor but because of your constant reminders. yes, those are the two words 'constant reminders.' you constantly remind me that i am worthy and enough. and that's why i love you so very much.

the world needs more you's, momma. more friends who support and uplift as you do. more talented individuals such as yourself who have suffered with mental health and come out stronger and better from it. a person who understands and relates to others. and one who loves generously with all her heart.

there is so much to you. it can't be summed up in a blog post. or even 100 :) but i want you to know that i'm more than gaterful that god put you in my life. you have forever changed the course of it.


me and s

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