that my life, my purpose, who i am and my effect on others is all temporary.
i (finally) went grocery shopping tonight. and all that i bought was temporary. nothing to make a meal with. nothing that required planning or purpose. it was all temporary food. gold fish, snack bars, chex mix. no fruits, no veggies. nothing that would say, "a person lives here." only a ghost. a mirror image of a person.
i am settled in my apartment but lately i have been thinking of moving. part of anxiety is learning to control the thoughts that are unnecessary. such as moving when your lease isn't up for 11 months. but i can't get it out of my head. it keeps replaying. and i don't feel settled in my own home. i feel temporary. but where do i go next? this, i cannot answer.
work is my number one stressor during the week. it all revolves around the number of visits i do a week which is what my pay is based on. the more visits i do the more money i make. i.hate.money. i've said it before and i'm sure i'll say it again. it is so temporary. we only have it for a moment. it is a means to an end. that's how i see it. and with changes in kids and times my visit numbers are low. this causes me increased stress and worry. i long for the day when i will be financially secure and will not need to worry.
no one at work is going to watch out for my mental health. that is not their job. it is my job. and it is hard to stand up for myself sometimes. they do not understand. and that's ok. but it doesn't make the situation any easier. i try. i guess that's all i can say. i try.
with kids coming and going they feel temporary. and so these parts of my life that are so huge to me begin to take over all the parts and suffocate me. my self esteem plummets. i feel lost and on hold.
i have been in such an odd way this week that i even made my futon up in my living room and slept on it. another temporary thing. i have kept it made up. waiting for someone to come over and be my guest.
s asked me earlier this evening how i was doing. i was holding up better but fell apart towards the end. coming home to an empty home is hard on me. i expressed my feelings of being temporary, in the lives of others, in my effect on them, and that i would be so easily replaced to many. she brilliantly wrote "you are as a snow flake, there is no other. and beyond the icy art you are not forgotten in the drift. you matter more than you know. i understand though the inability to know that you matter. Believe Me Rachel. You. Matter." everyone deserves a friend like s.
and so i promised her i would trust her tonight, as i am not in a place to trust myself.
yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my sweet grandma's passing. her death feels so permanent. and perhaps that is why i feel so temporary. a way to escape extreme pain is to go the opposite way.
tonight i will drift. as a snow flake from the sky. i will drift.