* i have never before shared a personal journal entry on my blog but i have learned so much from this 'parable' in my life that i felt the desire to share it with my readers. i hope it helps you. *
the need to write is flowing from my fingertips.
for the first time in weeks i feel inspired by my life events and the urge to write is too strong to resist.
i went over to the b's house today. c is really sick with bronchitis and a virus. k was telling me about their night last night. c was sick around midnight and needed a shower after. k couldn't sleep and so did some house cleaning then felt like she needed to go check on c again. it was about 3 am now. she nudged c "honey, are you ok?" a sad "mommy" was the reply and c needed to be helped again with a change of clothes and a shower. there c sat, on the toilet, tired, sick, a bit miserable, and she did not want to get in the shower. k said to c "come on c time to get in the shower" "no!" *deep breath* in k's words : "what i know is inspiration now, i went and got a blanket and said here c you must be so cold sitting on the toilet. i wrapped her up and rubbed her back for a few minutes then said you just wrap up in this blanket and i'm going to go lay on the bed and you just let me know when you're ready. well not even five minutes later i hear "i'm ready for my shower!" and we got her cleaned up and in fresh clean pjs and in bed and then i rubbed her feet. not because i had to but because i wanted to."
in that moment it hit me. i'm so much like c. here i am. naked. cold. unsure. shivering. sitting on the toilet seat. *of life* not sure why god is letting me go through trial after trail and allowing me to be faced with adversity. and what does he do? he doesn't try to force me to move. he makes me as comfortable as possible where i am willing to be - where i am - he wraps me in a blanket - in his love - and rubs my back - and says - i'm going to give you some time (i'm going to let you use your agency) to think about and choose what you want to do. i'll just be right over here whenever you're ready to move or go somewhere. and when i'm in a better frame of mind and ready for my "shower" ready to trust him with all of the unknowns of life and jump in with both feet and have faith in him he brings me out clean and fresh and not only that but he has more for me waiting - a foot rub! he has more in store for me. more planned. more than i could ever imagine. he has more he wants to give me.
right now i am learning to be patient with myself and patient with the lord. i'm learning to trust that he really is on my side. that i'm not forgotten of him. that he has not abandon me and that in his timing all will be made whole. i am learning to be patient with this 'holding' time of my life if that's how i choose to see it. and that's kind of how i want to see it right now. it's not what i want . life feels so temporary. so changeable and unsure and so i feel like i'm just treading water. mom pointed out to me that maybe i'll look back on this time in my life and realize i was swimming and not just treading water. and that may be. but for now i feel like i'm just keeping my head above water and doggie paddling in time to just keep my nose up to breathe. and that's ok. if that's how i want to see my life right now i can see it that way, i just have to be patient and trust that god sees my efforts, he sees my paddling, and he will ultimately be the one to get me swimming again and bring me from where i am to where i want to be.
i feel like the 'theme' of this time in my life is patience. and not in a sappy way, but in a very specific gentle loving way from god :: i know you don't like this but i promise so much good is going to come from it. i listened to an inspirational talk and in it the speaker said "in patience possess ye your souls." that has stuck with me. yes. in patience i will be able to possess or know or understand my soul or spirit or who i am. i will be able to reconnect with the strong spiritual me and i will be able to do that through patiently waiting on the lord. actively doing while patiently waiting. patiently waiting is harder than it seems because it involves an element of trust, faith, and humility that are not exactly my strengths. "i will make weaknesses become strong" says the lord. i believe that. he is trying to do that for me now in my life.
i believe the scripture i chose for my church service mission is perhaps more applicable now than ever. it really sums up my life - what i am going through and what i want out of life right now - hebrews 10:35-36 "cast not away therefore your confidence which hath great recompence of reward. for ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of god, ye might receive the promise."
i've also been having quiet scripture reading time each night. instead of picking a specific place to read i have just been opening my book and letting my eyes fall on verses. i feel it is no coincidence that when all of this was happening i opened to james 1:2-4 "my brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. but let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."god will make me whole and entire in his time through the workings of patience.
with so many experiences pointing me in the direction of patience it is impossible to deny that god knows me, is aware of me, and loves me.