Thursday, February 21, 2013

tonight, i'm lonely.

and there are things i could've and probably should've done to make my evening less lonely but i didn't do them. so here i am.

i really do like living on my own. having space and freedom. but i get so damn lonely. s has mentioned to me a few times the idea of pet therapy and i really do want a dog. so badly. i just don't know how to go about getting the right one. my brother works for a vet hospital and could help me / come with me to pick one out but i want to adopt an older, house trained dog who is just the right size and temperament for me and there lies the problem. there is such a huge margin for error and it scares me and shuts me down. but to have a companion would be so comforting on long evenings like this.

i have a major crash between 4 and 6 PM everyday. if i'm home from work between that time and fall asleep - which has been happening lately - then i wake up later and have "energy" for the evening that i just don't know what to do with. often times my anxiety keeps me trapped in my house. i worry about going out and getting home at a reasonable time, spending the gas, what would i do, money, on and on. so it's just "easier" to sit and watch tv :( which is not what i want. i want a family. that's not exactly the season of life i'm in right now so at least a companion would be comforting.

i was talking to my mom about this the other day and she said, "what about a roommate?" um, no. not willing to do that to myself. i like other people. just not in my space. and i'm very attached to the idea of my space. so no.

being on the girls' trip and around baby M so much really stirred up my damn hormones and made my longings for a baby even more intense if that's possible - which apparently it is. and my sweet cousin j just had her baby t and t is SO CUTE! just one of the most precious babies i have ever seen. all this baby lovin' makes my arms ache. 

 what a bundle of baby perfection! baby t :)

being anxiously lonely is a confusing emotion. i hope it teaches me kindness and gentleness. will it help me be more appreciative of the time when i have a family of my own and babies to fill my arms? will it help me see others who are lonely and allow me to reach out to them?

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