Sunday, February 3, 2013

stress = regress

when we're stressed we regress.

this is where i'm at.

regression.

my mind is tumbling with thoughts.

thoughts, i don't know what to do with.

in my church we are all given assignments. and i feel small and inadequate trying to do my assignment. it is not the biggest one or the smallest one in the entire church system. but for me, it is enough to stretch me at to look up often to heaven and shout, "why are you pushing me?!" 

i don't like being pushed.

or stretched.

it hurts. burns. and stings a little.

this inadequate feeling has seeped into all aspects of my life. i find myself lacking motivation and desire to do even the simplest of things ex : put the 6 pairs of shoes by my front door in my closet. the task seems overwhelming and exhausting as foreign as that may seem.

i feel like i'm doing a super sucky job at work. i'm not fresh or fun. i'm boring and lame. i had to ask a for 5 reasons why i shouldn't just quit right then and there last week because i was feeling so down. and she gave me some good reasons. i asked s for 3 reasons. they were good too.

i feel like a wilted, dead piece of a flower. you know the kind you see and pick off. i'm just waiting to be picked off but in the mean time i continue to get brown and sticky. 

balancing all of my mental-ness with work - home - bills - cleaning - assignments - church - car maintenance - etc etc it all seems so little but it eats away at me until i'm left with nothing. no motivation. i lack. so much.

a waste of skin. that's what i feel like.

i talked to my sister b on my drive home today. she said, "i think you live a grander life than you believe." maybe, but i don't think so. she also said, "sometimes we just need to be recognized for the great effort we are putting into every aspect of our lives. a sincere, kind, loud and proud shout out for a job w e l l d o n e." in my words - a standing ovation.

but nothing i've done these days seems worthy of a standing o. i sloop from one place to another. barley getting by. does that deserve applause? maybe on my happier days it would. but not today.

i feel like i've lost the creative side of me. a side of me that use to be alive and well. ex : putting pictures in my blog. i can't think of anything that would illustrate what i'm feeling. i try to paint my pictures with words. but that doesn't always work.

well. i'm about done. 

s sent me a letter and gave the following advice : 

walk with patience the race that is set before you.

and then typed these five beautiful words :

i sent you a package.

i'm going to eat some chocolate now.



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