what a refreshing lift it was to suffer physically in a controlled way after being so haggard and worn out by too many emotional ups and downs. it felt so good to feel the slice of the blade and not one bit of pain. the burning sensation has carried over. it is a wonderful distraction from work and the unanswered questions i face there. whenever i feel the anxiety rising i just press on the wounds and my mind runs to the burning and the thoughts stop. it's. awesome. i love rolling over in bed and being awaken by the searing pain. instead of my worried thoughts nagging at me, poking me awake it's my cuts. such a brilliant difference.
do i understand how sick this is? yes. but it's all i could think of to do. everything was spiraling out of control and i snapped.
when i saw my counselor wednesday i kept saying things along the lines of, 'i'm teetering on the edge of insanity here - you gotta help me.' and he said to me, 'i hear you saying, shane save me.' i saw my psychiatrist friday and fell apart in his office - tears and all. he put me on a new medicine which is working in that it is S L O W I N G D O W N my thoughts at night which is a blessed relief. ironically he said it's supposed to help with the impulsivity of thoughts like cutting - hmmmm or not. but i'll take the slow thoughts at night and cutting over racing thoughts and no cutting. i just will.
last night was the breaking point. i was so mad. angry. i could feel it rolling off of me in great, deep waves. i felt like i was drowning in a sea of salty, sticky, slimy, water. i hate water. it was awful. there are three parts to how i'm feeling right now about what i wrote and who i wrote it to last night. part is loud and proud - i had a RIGHT to feel that way. part is understanding - it wasn't the best thing to do but it's part of my journey. part is ashamed - i can't believe i said those things to god. but it is what it is. and for the most part i feel understanding. i must be gentle with myself as i learn to process the cycles of depression, anxiety, and managing that i will go through. i will not share the letter here. but i will share the song that inspired it. the only song i listened to all night. and in my funnier moments a song that will be on my cd 'music to cut by' :)
today, i'm better because of :
the relief/release cutting offered
a message left on my blog by someone i don't know-it offered me hope-my journey makes a difference
a letter from a
i'm going to babysit my godchild this weekend
my dad is taking me out to dinner tonight