Monday, January 21, 2013

idk



it's as simple as that. i don't know. how i am. where i am. what i'm doing. how things will work out. what i'm feeling. on.and.on.

so i'll take some of my own advice - advice i try to give my readers and hope they use - i will check in with myself using the 8 starting phrases s gave me. phrases to journal by when there's no other starting place.

i am : alone. sitting on my bed. my two favorite blankets are scrumbled up in a pile by my left knee. my legs are criss-cross applesauce with my laptop resting on it. i am under my fan which is on low. i am in my pjs.

i feel : empty. isolated. clean as i just showered. like a tin bucket who has yet to see rain or a well. i feel clear or better transparent. all of my flaws and hurts on display. mostly on display for me to see. i feel hurt and wounded. physically i feel sick -- not my stomach but my bowels -- they have been talking today, and i just don't know what they are saying. 

i think : worry. fear. doubt. uncertainty. mixed with moments of laughter. i think of work and it worries me. am i a good therapist? am i doing a good job? am i working hard for these kids? are they progressing well? i think of church. and well i just get pissed off. and mad that i get pissed off. i think of my life and where i am. nothing is as expected. why can't i embrace that?

i know : so little. 

i want : so much. worries gone. problems solved. medicines gone. peace. happiness. cheer. contentment. i actually really, really want a rocking chair. a beautiful glider for my room. it's something i've been looking on craig's list for. they all seem so expensive. but it's something i've wanted for a long time. a has one in her room and i am so calm when i sit and rock there. maybe one day.

i wish : i knew. the purpose of pain and suffering. why i'm in such a funk. how to change my attitude and get out of my slump. i'm too real and too emotional to smile my way through shit. which is nice and not so nice. i wish i wasn't confused and troubled by so many things. i wish i wasn't an adult and didn't have to face adult difficulties and challenges. i wish i could stay in my home. and be left alone. and just get by on as little as possible but have what i need. and just be. but i can't just be with money. bleh

i will : read from god's word tonight, pray, and then watch psych while the effects of my meds slowly take over my sluggish system.

i will not : cut. to feel. or for any other reason tonight. i will not let that side of me out. i will not.

*what are your answers to the 8 phrases to journal by?* 


4 comments:

  1. I am: a mom; a wife; getting better at keeping house; relaxed; grateful; tired; craving sweets.

    I feel: content; entertained; full; loved; pleased with what I accomplished today; excited about the plans for the week; enthusiastic about my new friend.

    I think: Rachel is a wonderful friend; I am extremely lucky; I am blessed for unknown reasons; I can do better; progress is slow, but coming; there is much further to go.

    I know: I'm getting better; I can do better; I need to make a decision; I need to commit; there are many worse off than me; I have amazing people in my life.

    I want: it to be easier; brownie batter; to want fruit instead of chocolate; a skinnier body; a stronger body; a new car (shiny and pretty and smooth); a bigger house with lots of storage so it can all be organized and Emma can have a nice place to play and I can have play dates; more close mommy friends; to live closer to my mom and Rachel.

    I wish: there was fat free brownie batter; healthy food tasted better; I liked to read more than watch TV; I didn't let myself get this far gone; Rachel didn't have to hurt so much; Simon didn't have to work so we could spend more time together; I didn't need as much sleep.

    I will: exercise tomorrow; drink a bottle of water before eating anything else; keep an eye on craigslist for a rocking chair for Rachel; wash all dishes before going to bed; pray tonight.

    I will not: focus on my shortcomings; forget others when focusing on myself and the work I need to do; sabotage myself.

    Love you Rachel!

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    1. thank you so much for taking the time to do this :) it touches my heart to hear what others have to say, especially my friends. your words and feelings are all so valid and good. thank you for sharing. i sure do love you friend!

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  2. you're a good writer Rachel. Thank you for being so brave to share so many things, I don't have that kind of courage. Love you!

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    1. thank you for saying i'm a good writer. sometimes i wonder if what i'm saying makes sense and if it really helps all that much. i'm also grateful for your choice of word : brave. i often don't think of myself in that light, but perhaps i am. i love you too! xo

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