it's as simple as that. i don't know. how i am. where i am. what i'm doing. how things will work out. what i'm feeling. on.and.on.
so i'll take some of my own advice - advice i try to give my readers and hope they use - i will check in with myself using the 8 starting phrases s gave me. phrases to journal by when there's no other starting place.
i am : alone. sitting on my bed. my two favorite blankets are scrumbled up in a pile by my left knee. my legs are criss-cross applesauce with my laptop resting on it. i am under my fan which is on low. i am in my pjs.
i feel : empty. isolated. clean as i just showered. like a tin bucket who has yet to see rain or a well. i feel clear or better transparent. all of my flaws and hurts on display. mostly on display for me to see. i feel hurt and wounded. physically i feel sick -- not my stomach but my bowels -- they have been talking today, and i just don't know what they are saying.
i think : worry. fear. doubt. uncertainty. mixed with moments of laughter. i think of work and it worries me. am i a good therapist? am i doing a good job? am i working hard for these kids? are they progressing well? i think of church. and well i just get pissed off. and mad that i get pissed off. i think of my life and where i am. nothing is as expected. why can't i embrace that?
i know : so little.
i want : so much. worries gone. problems solved. medicines gone. peace. happiness. cheer. contentment. i actually really, really want a rocking chair. a beautiful glider for my room. it's something i've been looking on craig's list for. they all seem so expensive. but it's something i've wanted for a long time. a has one in her room and i am so calm when i sit and rock there. maybe one day.
i wish : i knew. the purpose of pain and suffering. why i'm in such a funk. how to change my attitude and get out of my slump. i'm too real and too emotional to smile my way through shit. which is nice and not so nice. i wish i wasn't confused and troubled by so many things. i wish i wasn't an adult and didn't have to face adult difficulties and challenges. i wish i could stay in my home. and be left alone. and just get by on as little as possible but have what i need. and just be. but i can't just be with money. bleh
i will : read from god's word tonight, pray, and then watch psych while the effects of my meds slowly take over my sluggish system.
i will not : cut. to feel. or for any other reason tonight. i will not let that side of me out. i will not.
*what are your answers to the 8 phrases to journal by?*