Saturday, January 12, 2013

how do i start?

well. i'm still angry.

but, i would be ____ to not give god recognition for the very specific ways he reached out to me - through others - this week. his hand was clear in my life. i could literally look and say, "that is the workings of god. not just a god. but my god. the god who knows and loves me." it was very clear and real.

so much of me wants to brush my hands together and say, "so that's that. depression over. great. what's next?" but that's just not how things are going. i thought i was getting on top of things but thursday night was my group therapy and things opened up. uncomfortable - unsettling. disheartening. things.

and i'm looking around at all i have - WHICH IS SO MUCH - but i can't see it. i can only see lack. and the depression creeps in. but depression scares me. so i re-route it to anger. and i feel irritated with myself. frustrated with my life. angry with meds, circumstances, loneliness, money, tiredness. just plain old mad.

one way god reached out to me this week was through notes from friends. one friend, k, wrote me that when she's happy she sings. and as i thought about it, the same is true with me. when i'm really happy i harmonize. oh to hear the parts in glorious harmonization! it's wondrous. i sing in the car - in my home - sometimes in the shower though i usually think there. but lately i haven't been singing, much less harmonizing. i did sing for a while tonight. but that was mostly because my dad was around and i know he likes to hear me sing.

i hate waking up and taking 6 pills. i hate going to bed and taking 5 pills. i hate taking 2 pills during the day. BEFORE i eat. hell who can keep track of that??? i have three - three - large pill cases to keep everything straight. ugh.

i hate that my stomach won't empty. i hate walking around all day swishing and sloshing like i just downed a keg or something when in truth it was the breakfast slim fast shake i had hours ago. 

i hate being tired and feeling empty. coming home to an empty home even though it isn't empty. it is full of things i own free and clear which in my irrational state bothers and scares me. i don't want to own a washer and dryer. that's grown up stuff. i don't know how to do that.

to look at me, you would think "she could use a nap" not "wow she's really pissed" but i am pissed. i just can't show it cause i'm too damn tired. and i want to cut again but i just won't. i'm going to bed.

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