Sunday, January 6, 2013

a v o i d

today is the day to face things and make decisions.

i texted that to my friend c and she said she liked the title of my day. and the more i thought about it, the more i liked the title of my day too.

because for the past few weeks i have been doing something i am very good at. avoiding. avoiding decisions - choices - tasks - big little tall small , it really doesn't matter i've been avoiding it all. and there is a difference to me between avoiding and procrastinating. avoiding is laced with anxiety. it has an edge to it. you have to be sneaky to sneak out of the task while procrastination is staring the task in the face and saying, 'i'm just not going to do this.'

i've been cleverly crafting ways to get out of laundry, house cleaning, work paper work, decisions on vacations, medication changes, and most of it relates back to the amount of anxiety it causes me. and does it help that i avoid it and let it build? no. but for the moment i can let it go and function. today, though, has been the wall day. the day where i hit the end and actually had to do the things i've been so so so not wanting to do. and through each one there has been a certain degree of anxiety. and now i'm tired.

it's sad to me that all of this came at the cost of not going to church. i think church would've really helped me today but i only had so much in me. and i couldn't avoid anymore. i still have one thing left that i have to do -- but that'll probably come after my nap.

i wish i had powerful words and grand descriptions to paint a picture of how life has been these past few weeks, but i don't. maybe i'm avoiding putting my avoidance into light. who knows. i don't. but for now. i'm back. it's a new year. i'm tired. and i faced things and made decisions.

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