Monday, January 28, 2013

have you prospered?

mom asked me this question today and it really struck me. it stopped my swirling anxious thoughts. have i prospered? did i do well in 2012? and i have to say the more i thought about it, the more my blessings stood out to me.

i have a car to drive, which i own free and clear.

i have a place to live.

i was able to afford surgery to take out a piece of me that wasn't working.

i took a few trips/vacations.

i live debt free each month.

i could - and did for a while today - get caught up in all the things i don't have (a fatter bank account, a new phone, a new computer, more money and time for vacations, etc etc) but if that's all i spend my time on, i'll miss the greater blessings god has given me.

maybe, during this season of my life, to prosper is not to have every single want met and more. and that's ok. perhaps later in life with age and learning i'll budget better, save and invest wisely. but for my first year living on my very own, i made it. and that is the definition of prospering to me. in this moment. at this time. with god's good grace i was able to do it. to live, work, and survive.

so, yes, i have prospered, and i have so much to be grateful for.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

bless my heart

i've had the 24 hour flu bug and it's. been. bad.

it's incredible to me how so much can change in 24 hours. this time yesterday i was blissfully unaware of all that was to come. 6 am came dinner. followed by rounds of bile. and i know i got really good at throwing up - thanks to some great practice last year - but there is nothing like adding food and a headache and lack of sleep to that mixture to make it really special.

i may have been able to handle the throwing up without tears but the constant diarrhea pushed me over the edge. i was calling my mom and canceling work before 8 am.

this is what i really want to write about. my mom. and dad. my parents. they came to my rescue today. truly my mom. she came over armed with gatorade, saltines, and soup. she immediately got out the clorox and started cleaning. cleaning up my yucky mess. i'd tried to keep it as tidy as possible - but to quote mom "this toilet has seen some action" :) ya, it seriously had. but she just kept cleaning and started loads of laundry all while listening to her 23 year old baby cry. literally cry. even writing the word cry brings tears to my eyes. it's been an emotional day.

having an anxiety disorder can be very difficult when it comes to expected routines and how the week is going to go. well my week did not go as planned and that's really hard for me. it translates into lots of tears. so mom would rub my back and fold a load of laundry. listen to me talk and cry and point out the rational/irrational thoughts.

once a parent, always a parent.

my dad has been at work since 6 this morning and didn't get off until 6:30 and where did he come after work? my house. he walks in the door and i start crying. he listens. makes a few jokes. comforts me. gives me my sonic ice. and tells me about his day. anything to distract from the discomfort. he has to be back at work at 5:30 to work a 14 hour day. but he took the time to come see me, bring me what i needed and listen to me.

mom came back for round two and scooped me up and brought me to her house. truly tucked me in. made sure i was comfortable.

once a parent always a parent.

i'm pretty sure that every ounce of fluid now in me can be traced back to the sonic ice dad brought me. my body was literally juiced for everything it had today. and i wish i could 'juice' my heart and the feelings in there of gratitude and love for my parents. to let them know how much i love them and appreciate what they did for me. i hope my words are enough.

ending with inspiring words from s "believe in your bright future."

Monday, January 21, 2013


it's as simple as that. i don't know. how i am. where i am. what i'm doing. how things will work out. what i'm feeling. on.and.on.

so i'll take some of my own advice - advice i try to give my readers and hope they use - i will check in with myself using the 8 starting phrases s gave me. phrases to journal by when there's no other starting place.

i am : alone. sitting on my bed. my two favorite blankets are scrumbled up in a pile by my left knee. my legs are criss-cross applesauce with my laptop resting on it. i am under my fan which is on low. i am in my pjs.

i feel : empty. isolated. clean as i just showered. like a tin bucket who has yet to see rain or a well. i feel clear or better transparent. all of my flaws and hurts on display. mostly on display for me to see. i feel hurt and wounded. physically i feel sick -- not my stomach but my bowels -- they have been talking today, and i just don't know what they are saying. 

i think : worry. fear. doubt. uncertainty. mixed with moments of laughter. i think of work and it worries me. am i a good therapist? am i doing a good job? am i working hard for these kids? are they progressing well? i think of church. and well i just get pissed off. and mad that i get pissed off. i think of my life and where i am. nothing is as expected. why can't i embrace that?

i know : so little. 

i want : so much. worries gone. problems solved. medicines gone. peace. happiness. cheer. contentment. i actually really, really want a rocking chair. a beautiful glider for my room. it's something i've been looking on craig's list for. they all seem so expensive. but it's something i've wanted for a long time. a has one in her room and i am so calm when i sit and rock there. maybe one day.

i wish : i knew. the purpose of pain and suffering. why i'm in such a funk. how to change my attitude and get out of my slump. i'm too real and too emotional to smile my way through shit. which is nice and not so nice. i wish i wasn't confused and troubled by so many things. i wish i wasn't an adult and didn't have to face adult difficulties and challenges. i wish i could stay in my home. and be left alone. and just get by on as little as possible but have what i need. and just be. but i can't just be with money. bleh

i will : read from god's word tonight, pray, and then watch psych while the effects of my meds slowly take over my sluggish system.

i will not : cut. to feel. or for any other reason tonight. i will not let that side of me out. i will not.

*what are your answers to the 8 phrases to journal by?* 

Monday, January 14, 2013

my fantasy

right now ::: in this moment ::: is the following

beep ... beep ... beep ... the slow steady rhythm of my heart monitor. four sticky patches on my chest. one on my upper right quarter, one on my upper left quarter, one under my left breast, one on my left side. a clip on my right index finger for pulse. red light shining from it. clear tubing coming from my nose sending pure oxygen into my body. a large iv coming from my left arm where daily food is given. on iv on the top of my right hand taped down tight where medication is given. an iv in my right arm where blood work is taken weekly. my hair is down around my face, straight. my eyes are shut. my features are sedated. i'm wearing a blue and white striped hospital gown. white blankets cover me and hide the catheter. my feet are covered with two pairs of socks and an extra blanket wrapped around them. i am the only one in the room. it is dim with light trying to peer in from the closed windows. the white curtain is draped around my bed. no clock. one chair with no one in it. just monitors and a steady beep ... beep ... beep ...

"what you take for granted someone else is praying for"

Saturday, January 12, 2013

how do i start?

well. i'm still angry.

but, i would be ____ to not give god recognition for the very specific ways he reached out to me - through others - this week. his hand was clear in my life. i could literally look and say, "that is the workings of god. not just a god. but my god. the god who knows and loves me." it was very clear and real.

so much of me wants to brush my hands together and say, "so that's that. depression over. great. what's next?" but that's just not how things are going. i thought i was getting on top of things but thursday night was my group therapy and things opened up. uncomfortable - unsettling. disheartening. things.

and i'm looking around at all i have - WHICH IS SO MUCH - but i can't see it. i can only see lack. and the depression creeps in. but depression scares me. so i re-route it to anger. and i feel irritated with myself. frustrated with my life. angry with meds, circumstances, loneliness, money, tiredness. just plain old mad.

one way god reached out to me this week was through notes from friends. one friend, k, wrote me that when she's happy she sings. and as i thought about it, the same is true with me. when i'm really happy i harmonize. oh to hear the parts in glorious harmonization! it's wondrous. i sing in the car - in my home - sometimes in the shower though i usually think there. but lately i haven't been singing, much less harmonizing. i did sing for a while tonight. but that was mostly because my dad was around and i know he likes to hear me sing.

i hate waking up and taking 6 pills. i hate going to bed and taking 5 pills. i hate taking 2 pills during the day. BEFORE i eat. hell who can keep track of that??? i have three - three - large pill cases to keep everything straight. ugh.

i hate that my stomach won't empty. i hate walking around all day swishing and sloshing like i just downed a keg or something when in truth it was the breakfast slim fast shake i had hours ago. 

i hate being tired and feeling empty. coming home to an empty home even though it isn't empty. it is full of things i own free and clear which in my irrational state bothers and scares me. i don't want to own a washer and dryer. that's grown up stuff. i don't know how to do that.

to look at me, you would think "she could use a nap" not "wow she's really pissed" but i am pissed. i just can't show it cause i'm too damn tired. and i want to cut again but i just won't. i'm going to bed.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

so much anger - so little space

i hit it. my breaking point. i knew i was going to crash. i knew it. i could feel it. and i kept telling people around me it was going to happen. yelling and screaming in my own way for some saving ... but to no avail. i crashed and with it came my old friend cutting.

what a refreshing lift it was to suffer physically in a controlled way after being so haggard and worn out by too many emotional ups and downs. it felt so good to feel the slice of the blade and not one bit of pain.  the burning sensation has carried over. it is a wonderful distraction from work and the unanswered questions i face there. whenever i feel the anxiety rising i just press on the wounds and my mind runs to the burning and the thoughts stop. it's. awesome. i love rolling over in bed and being awaken by the searing pain. instead of my worried thoughts nagging at me, poking me awake it's my cuts. such a brilliant difference.

do i understand how sick this is? yes. but it's all i could think of to do. everything was spiraling out of control and i snapped.

when i saw my counselor wednesday i kept saying things along the lines of, 'i'm teetering on the edge of insanity here - you gotta help me.' and he said to me, 'i hear you saying, shane save me.' i saw my psychiatrist friday and fell apart in his office - tears and all. he put me on a new medicine which is working in that it is S L O W I N G D O W N my thoughts at night which is a blessed relief. ironically he said it's supposed to help with the impulsivity of thoughts like cutting - hmmmm or not. but i'll take the slow thoughts at night and cutting over racing thoughts and no cutting. i just will.

last night was the breaking point. i was so mad. angry. i could feel it rolling off of me in great, deep waves. i felt like i was drowning in a sea of salty, sticky, slimy, water. i hate water. it was awful. there are three parts to how i'm feeling right now about what i wrote and who i wrote it to last night. part is loud and proud - i had a RIGHT to feel that way. part is understanding - it wasn't the best thing to do but it's part of my journey. part is ashamed - i can't believe i said those things to god. but it is what it is. and for the most part i feel understanding. i must be gentle with myself as i learn to process the cycles of depression, anxiety, and managing that i will go through. i will not share the letter here. but i will share the song that inspired it. the only song i listened to all night. and in my funnier moments a song that will be on my cd 'music to cut by' :)

today, i'm better because of :
the relief/release cutting offered
a message left on my blog by someone i don't know-it offered me hope-my journey makes a difference
a letter from a
i'm going to babysit my godchild this weekend
my dad is taking me out to dinner tonight


Sunday, January 6, 2013

a v o i d

today is the day to face things and make decisions.

i texted that to my friend c and she said she liked the title of my day. and the more i thought about it, the more i liked the title of my day too.

because for the past few weeks i have been doing something i am very good at. avoiding. avoiding decisions - choices - tasks - big little tall small , it really doesn't matter i've been avoiding it all. and there is a difference to me between avoiding and procrastinating. avoiding is laced with anxiety. it has an edge to it. you have to be sneaky to sneak out of the task while procrastination is staring the task in the face and saying, 'i'm just not going to do this.'

i've been cleverly crafting ways to get out of laundry, house cleaning, work paper work, decisions on vacations, medication changes, and most of it relates back to the amount of anxiety it causes me. and does it help that i avoid it and let it build? no. but for the moment i can let it go and function. today, though, has been the wall day. the day where i hit the end and actually had to do the things i've been so so so not wanting to do. and through each one there has been a certain degree of anxiety. and now i'm tired.

it's sad to me that all of this came at the cost of not going to church. i think church would've really helped me today but i only had so much in me. and i couldn't avoid anymore. i still have one thing left that i have to do -- but that'll probably come after my nap.

i wish i had powerful words and grand descriptions to paint a picture of how life has been these past few weeks, but i don't. maybe i'm avoiding putting my avoidance into light. who knows. i don't. but for now. i'm back. it's a new year. i'm tired. and i faced things and made decisions.