Thursday, December 27, 2012

sometimes ...

... when i see other people's lives ... they look perfect... and it's hard for me. everyone is happy and smiling. they are doing unique and adventurous things. they post these pictures on facebook and twitter and google plus and other online social places. and that's the view i have of them.

i have talked before about the word perfect and how truly horrific it is. my mom said something cool today "it's not perfect, but i just don't have perfect in me." and even though she was relating it to the cleanliness of our house ... i want to use it in a personal way. i literally don't have perfect in me. not at this stage of my existence. one day when i return home to god i think i'll be made perfect. but until them i'm flaw-full.

but perfect. that word. for so many years that's the standard i held myself up to. it was irrational but i lived in irrational-ville and it was my reality. for years i didn't know any better. and perfect creeps up on me and snatches me like a thief in the night sometimes. and i find myself only able to say "their life is perfect. and mine isn't. look at what they have. and what i don't. look at their best. compare it to my worst."

*sigh*

so in an effort to confront and work through these feelings i made a list tonight. and i want to share that list here.

What is perfect about my life that other’s would look at and want?
I can spend my money on what I want.
I’m employed.
I get to live on my own.
I have my own place and have found my own style.
I don’t have to check in with anyone.
I only have to take care of myself.
If I want to sleep all day I can. If I want to go somewhere I can.
I’m not in debt for anything – car credit school.
I have an education that gives me a good job.
What’s perfect about other’s lives that I look at and want?
They are married.
They have companionship.
They have a husband.
They have a baby to love and hold.
They have a home.
They have financial security.
They aren’t sick physically.
They smile and look so happy.
i showed this list to b and she made the following list for me.
What’s so perfect about my life that other’s want?I seem to achieve great things.
I am successful.
I am financially stable.
I love my job.
I have my own home.
I have sisters.
I am driven and can do anything I put my mind to.
I am independent.
I am kind.
I am loving.
I am friendly and have many many friends.
What do others have that I want?Companionship
Success
Stability
so i'll breathe through this.
and take a shower.
and ask, how do you combat "self-hating" thoughts?

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