and that is fine with me. because i have not been fine since thursday.
not every day is great. not every moment is fun. not every thing is ok in every way all the time.
and so i want to share a letter i wrote to s last night.
... cried on and off since thursday over the stress i feel coming from work. too many tears
.... i have taken seroquel tonight per psychiatrist on especially hard nights ... i have taken it 3 times in the past week
.... i went to all three hours of church today and deserve a HUGE prize for that. i haven't been able to do that since january ... i haven't felt wanted or needed ... and today i felt both ... huge victory.
.... i talked to new people at church per therapist and deserve a standing O for that.
.... i was crying on my drive to church and talking to god and he said to me : "love will find you." i believe that with all my heart.
.... god answered my prayers today and heard me crying. he knows me and wants me close to him. i am his child. i feel that tonight.
..... i talked with my mom late late late tonight and feel blessed that it did not go into bad territory but stayed in a loving, nurturing path .... she supported me and was there for me.
..... my eyes are puffy. and sting from the salt. i left all meds at home so threw up today. i liked the feeling and control of throwing up. but i will not let that over power me. i just wanted to state that i liked it. i did not cut or do anything self destructive today, tho if i had i would've had a good 'excuse.'
.... periods are from the devil as are hormones.
... i am wrapped tight and warm under three blankets, including the angel blanket given to my dad from his sister (my aunt) after my grandma's passing. i asked dad for it. he gave it to me. and so i am wrapped in the arms of mamaw tonight. and i have my sensory blanket on top of it all and will lay it over my chest as i breathe and give my fears and insecurities and worries to god tonight to hold for me.
.... i am breathing, and will soon fall asleep listening to the wonderful christmas movie, aurthur christmas.
....all the talks in church today were about prayer. i felt close to god.
and that is how i am.