Monday, December 10, 2012

minutes ....

.... is all i have until i fall over in a sleepy stupor.

and that is fine with me. because i have not been fine since thursday.

not every day is great. not every moment is fun. not every thing is ok in every way all the time.

and so i want to share a letter i wrote to s last night.


***

... cried on and off since thursday over the stress i feel coming from work. too many tears

.... i have taken seroquel tonight per psychiatrist on especially hard nights ... i have taken it 3 times in the past week

.... i went to all three hours of church today and deserve a HUGE prize for that. i haven't been able to do that since january ... i haven't felt wanted or needed ... and today i felt both ... huge victory.

.... i talked to new people at church per therapist and deserve a standing O for that.

.... i was crying on my drive to church and talking to god and he said to me : "love will find you." i believe that with all my heart.

.... god answered my prayers today and heard me crying. he knows me and wants me close to him. i am his child. i feel that tonight.

..... i talked with my mom late late late tonight and feel blessed that it did not go into bad territory but stayed in a loving, nurturing path .... she supported me and was there for me.

..... my eyes are puffy. and sting from the salt. i left all meds at home so threw up today. i liked the feeling and control of throwing up. but i will not let that over power me. i just wanted to state that i liked it. i did not cut or do anything self destructive today, tho if i had i would've had a good 'excuse.'

.... periods are from the devil as are hormones.

... i am wrapped tight and warm under three blankets, including the angel blanket given to my dad from his sister (my aunt) after my grandma's passing. i asked dad for it. he gave it to me. and so i am wrapped in the arms of mamaw tonight. and i have my sensory blanket on top of it all and will lay it over my chest as i breathe and give my fears and insecurities and worries to god tonight to hold for me.

.... i am breathing, and will soon fall asleep listening to the wonderful christmas movie, aurthur christmas.

....all the talks in church today were about prayer. i felt close to god.


***

and that is how i am.

2 comments:

  1. You are a sweet, talented, beautiful girl. I love you. ---Becky

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    1. I usually respond right away to comments - at least that's my goal with those who comment on my blog - but in re-reading this I wasn't in a good place to do so when I wrote this. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for reading and being a support to me. xo

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