Tuesday, December 11, 2012

i think therefore i am

i feel like i finally have a grasp on this old saying. i have heard it many times before but have not always liked it or clicked with it the way i did this afternoon.

i am in survival mode. which means lots of prayers and self-care. in fact anytime a friend asks me if she/he can do anything for me i say, 'prayers please.' because that's really what i need.

if i stood back and really looked at this week from a realistic perspective, it's nothing i haven't done before. but it feels new therefore it is new.

it feels stressful = it is stressful. it feels different = it is different.

thoughts and feelings are closely connected. when i think angry i feel angry. when i think sad i feel sad. when i think something i am something.

i had an hour break during one of my kids today so i took a walk. and i had four burners of thoughts (like on a stove) going on in my brain. on the two back burners were listening to one direction's cd and musing about how many dumb dogs there were barking (and how annoying it was that i could still hear them through my music).

onto one of the front burners came the thought 'i think therefore i am.' and while it sat and stewed in a pot the other burner caught fire and began thinking about how true this was.

if i think i am ugly, then it really doesn't matter who says i'm beautiful (from my mom to channing tatum) i won't believe them. if i think i will fail, chances are i will find myself failing often because that is what i'm looking for. if on the flip side i think i am lovely the way i am - growing and progressing - then comments from people who really don't matter (consider the source always) won't affect me. if i think i will succeed in life, chances are i will see success despite the natural setbacks of life.

i think therefore i am.

this week i think (and know) i am in a fragile place mentally. my mental-ness feels delicate. and any slip, trip, or fall will find me completely melting down, probably throwing up and having seizures. i feel like i'm existing on eggshells. i feel fragile.

W O R K is the driving force of these feelings. it is all tooooo much for my mental-ness to handle, making up a week's worth of speech visits in two weeks. i want time off for christmas but i also don't want to be mega-stressed during this beautiful holiday time.

i told god about all of my concerns. i told him that i just simply can't do it on my own. i often feel weak but my weakness has really been exposed during this chaotic time. and my dear reader, miracles have happened. simple prayers, such as 'please help me to find time to eat and use the restroom today' are answered with extra time from somewhere. pleadings for 'peace and confidence with each child' are answered with a unique ability to focus on the one during each session.

my specific prayers have been answered with specific miracles.

un-voiced prayers have also been answered as god has given me thoughts as reminders to take self-care seriously. take meds regularly. eat when you stop to use the restroom. breathe deeply. take a walk if time/energy permits. simplify your social life. focus on the now. let tomorrow take care of itself. give yourself extra time to sleep. listen to one direction's cd as much as possible. :)

there is power in a thought.
i think therefore i am.

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