Wednesday, November 14, 2012

one step at a time

sometimes, left foot right foot is too difficult.
so we are gentle with ourselves and change it to left toe right toe.

a few years ago s and i started doing daily check-ins with each other using numbers and colors. my current counselor has encouraged me to do daily self checks to see where i am and how i feel. i can do this as many times a day as i need to. because s taught me a great way to do self checks this has been something simple to implement in my life.

for me, the number represents how much energy i have. i use a 1 to 10 scale. 1 being super depressed, drugged, and in bed. 10 being on an anxiety high with lots of energy and spontaneity with a crash in the near future. 8 is what i chose as my 'normal.' if i have an 8 energy it means i can see 6 patients and go out with friends or hang with family in the evening without a huge crash or let down. 8 is ideal for me. others have used the number to represent the pain they are in or the amount of sadness they are feeling. for a while while i was throwing up every day i used the numbers to show how nauseous and vomit-ie i was feeling. it can be whatever you want.

choosing a color to describe my mood always takes me a moment of thought. there are days when i have been neon orange with green squares. other days, like today, i have been a clear sharp blue. sometimes the colors come with describing words such as confident, jittery, worried, content, and others times it's just number and color.

i really enjoy doing this because it helps me put into a simple context how i'm doing. i have done this with a and always love checking in with her.

and so i would like to invite you dear reader to text me your number and color anytime or leave it here on the blog or message it to me on facebook or send it to me in an email. i am a safe place to send the cold hard facts of how you are doing. it would be an honor to be a part of your journey.

today i was a 7 in energy! i haven't been past a 6 in over 4 months. i was a clear sharp blue. sometimes i shimmer. sometimes i'm silver or sparkly christmas lights. but today i was a crystal clear sharp blue. it was good. i saw 6 patients and went over to my parents' house. my little sister s helped me wash my car and we jammed out to one direction's new cd :) that's right - i'm a fan!

(blank) said (blank) while i was at my parents' house. it really hurt my feelings and shocked me. it was one of those moments where the final piece of the ugly puzzle was put into place and it was sad. i drove home unsure. not unstable but unsure. of how i was feeling. of how to process this information. of what my role in that word being said by that person in relation to the other person was. it was all very confusing and hurtful. i wasn't sure how to say it or who to tell.

i knew i could blog about it but that i couldn't be specific. tomorrow night i will attend a group therapy session where confidentiality is huge and there i will say the word and details of the experience. i am hoping then i can let it go.

while i was driving and thinking a song by jordin sparks came on.

it's how i feel

it has summed up my night.
lyrics are below - music video here.
hurry up and wait so close but so far away
everything that you've always dreamed of
close enough for you to taste but you just can't touch
you believe and you doubt
you're confused and got it all figured out
everything that you always wished for
could be yours, should be yours, would be yours if they only knew

when you can't wait any longer
but there's no end in sight
it's the faith that makes you stronger
the only way we get there is one step at a time

you wanna show the world but no one knows your name yet
wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
you know you can if you get the chance
in your face and the door keeps slamming

now you're feeling more and more frustrated
and you're getting all kind of impatient, waiting
we live and we learn to take

one step at a time there's no need to rush
it's like learning to fly or falling in love
it's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen
that we find the reasons why one step at a time
be well.
number and color.
don't rush.
take one step at a time.
left toe right toe.
alliswell and alliswell and all that matters is well.

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