Sunday, November 18, 2012

my journey

today is memorable day in my life.
i have reached a point in my life where i can say "not because it was bad and not because it was good, but because it was."
in order for me to process this all in a positive and quick way, i will limit myself to 10 points about this day, november 18th.

1 - i served a mission for my church. there is a certain amount of time i was called to serve for. i did not make it that length of time due to the health issues which came up. i came home months early and it has haunted me ever since.

2 - two years ago today i flew home with my mom from arizona. i spent the plane trip having seizures. i was wheeled onto the plane in a wheel chair and greeted my dad in texas from a wheel chair. humiliating. i tried to walk but didn't have the physical strength to make it very far.

3 - i met amazing people on my service mission. i lived with a family who became family. they are dear to my heart. i grew close to those i served with. i grew so much during those seven months. it was a challenging time but one that has brought me the greatest joy. and one day i will write more about how the things that are the hardest bring the most reward. not today.

4 - the shame, guilt, and anguish i felt from coming home early is unparalleled in my life events. i would experience my lowest lows - including suicide thoughts and notes - in the next few months. in my heart i felt i had failed god and because i had failed him so completely he sent me away. he sent me home sick and empty.

5 - i was released honorably. no one but myself thought such ugly thoughts about god's timing. while some posed the question, "why her?" they never asked "why god?" i spent my time asking god why and feeling overwhelmed by the failure i was to him. i look back on the me of 2010 with gentleness and kindness. she did not see god's plan. she did not realize that her mission trip would lead her to love the most difficult person for her to love on this earth ::: herself.

6 - god's timing is perfect. he knew of my predisposition for anxiety. he knew it was untreated. he knew that on a mission serving him, i would be in a safe place to experience the trauma of a conversion disorder and full blown anxiety/panic attacks. i would be surrounded by people who loved me. taken to doctors who could help me. ultimately sent home to be well and find myself. my mission became me.

7 - last year this day was not seen as anything positive. it was a dark day. full of bitter pain, hurt, hate. i was still upset with god for sending me home and angry with myself for not being strong enough. today i prayed that god would protect me from the idiots of the world :) yes i did. and he did the strangest thing. he made me s t r o n g e r. hmmmm. what a unique answer to what i thought was a straight forward prayer. in my mind i imagined people falling to the side as i walked by in church. stepping over people who god had struck down. or better being invisible, unseen by all. but instead some talked to me. said things that were hurtful. and the miracle was, i didn't feel anything. i didn't feel anger or pain or hurt. i knew in my brain "fact : it was said. that is how that person feels. but it is not how i feel. i feel calm. i feel ok. i feel safe."

8 - i have put myself in a safe place. i am with my sister b. and my dad is close. it is all ok. i am choosing not to spend this day alone. for this year and all years in the near future. it is a day that can still be laced with unforeseen pain, but for this moment, alliswell.

9 - i am thankful for the people i met on my mission trip and that i am still part of their lives. they are important to me. more precious than anything i own. my memories are treasures. they were worth any uncomfortable moment. i will never be able to express to them how much they mean. if only i could open my heart and let them hold it, then they would understand. i try with words but nothing is quiet adequate enough. still. they have changed my life. for the better.

10 - here are links to past posts that will help you fill in gaps that may be present. hopefully something written will touch and inspire you. today i am filled with a peaceful gratitude.

alliswell. and alliswell. and all that matters is well.


  1. I have enjoyed reading your blog. I've noticed that the more recent posts have been so positive. You are growing and I'm so proud of you!! Thanks for being the best Auntie Emma has.

    1. Why I never replied to this is a mystery - but thank you 2 years later, friend :) You're the best. xo