Friday, November 23, 2012

my job is to ...

_ _ _ _ _

i'm going to leave that blank for a moment while i give some back story as to how i've been handling the first part of this holiday season.

i've been a guest in my parents' house for the past 3 days. it is so easy to fall back into old, familiar, and unhealthy roles. i am pleased to report that i have caught myself 'fixing' problems a few times and S T O P P E D. not every time. but some of the time is better than none of the time.

i describe my personality as one that 'seeps' into others. it takes a while for me to warm up to people. once i do though they are receivers of gifts, time, play dates, etc etc. i love giving gifts. so much. it's one of my most favorite things to do. so part of my seeping personality is to bring you gifts. not as bribery. but to simply let you know how much you mean to me. i love the look on people's faces when they get a gift - or prize as i have been known to call it - and it's not their birthday or any thing special. it's simply a day they got out of bed, and i applaud that.

so i have been breathing through time with family. i love my family, but it's always nice to have breaks. i have also been breathing through black friday. i am NOT a stand outside and wait by the door type of person. so not me. i like sleep. but my family wanted to do some shopping today and i decided to go along. unlike other times today i knew when i needed to say no. when i needed to stop and rest or go to the car. too many people - long lines - waiting and paying for things all stress me out when i'm with others and i'm not sure how they will handle things. i know me and how i will react but i spend my time worrying about others' reactions. one day it may not be like that. but for now it's a part of who i am.

i feel i deserve the loudest, proudest, and longest standing ovation ever. i've done so good these past few days and i can honestly say that i'm relaxed and calm. i know i wrote this in a previous post and i really mean it this time - one day soon i'm going to write about how amazing medication is. until then i will just say that so much of the calmness i have been able to experience these past few days has been from consistent medication, therapy techniques, and the phrases s has taught me. i am made up of these things.

at the end of a long day right before the xanax and melatonin kick in my mind usually starts to freak out. the 'old me' creeps in and begins to thrash my mind with worries and unnecessary thoughts. it is very disheartening.

so i breathe. and remember the brilliant phrase s taught me


your job is to relax.

yes, my job is to relax. at the end of the day, when i have done all there is to do, and when tomorrow will take care of itself, my job is to relax. for me this involves a shower, comfy pjs, medication, 4 pillows, a properly propped up bed to avoid heartburn in the morning, and a distracting tv show. i'm too drowsy at this point to read but i can hang on to a familiar show for 15 or so minutes.

it use to take me over an hour to fall asleep. pounding heart and racing thoughts are not conducive to a healthy sleep environment. i never thought i would be able to fall asleep in under an hour. but i can now! i'm so thankful for that.

so my dear readers, remember that tonight it is your job to relax. job entails work and practice. it will take time to figure out what helps you relax and let go the best, but you can do it.

my job is to relax.
your job is to relax.
goodnight, dear friends.

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