Saturday, November 10, 2012

i remember

it was two years ago today, november 10th, that i had my first non-epileptic seizure. 

we would later find out this was / is due to my conversion disorder.

this is what i remember.

i remember going to a stranger’s house. to comfort her from her recent loss of her baby girl.
i remember seeing pictures of her baby.
i remember the pain. the joy of her little life. the sadness. the flowers we brought
i remember kneeling down by the computer to see pictures of her baby.
i remember standing and stretching out my legs.
i remember thinking "i'm going to fall - this is what it feels like to faint"
i remember hitting the wood floor.
i remember panic.
i remember "CALL 911!!!"
i remember thrashing.
i remember "i can't breathe."
i remember being poked and given oxygen and lights in my eyes and being lifted to the gurney to take me to the ambulance.
i remember the hospital. the doctors in and out in and out. 
i remember thrashing - seizures - in and out in and out.
i remember doubled, blurred vision.
i remember having to pee - and catheter - and infection later that week.
i remember migraine. and CAT scan. and screaming for hours and hours and hours in the hospital "DAD??" where was my protection when i needed it?
i remember going in and out in and out for days - sometimes i'd be alert for up to 20 minutes then seizure.
i remember going to the doctor 
i remember arizona.
i remember being far from family.
i remember flying home. and sitting in a wheel chair. and every light, every noise, every startle sending me into a 5-20 minute seizure.
i remember home. and family. and a crushed soul over 'coming home early' from my mission.
i remember sadness.
i remember questions - unanswered - so many questions.
i remember miracles.
i remember 5 hour test - fasting for it - blood drawn multiple times - my arms covered in needle pricks.
i remember MRI and CAT and scans and needles and scans and needles.
i remember t i r e d. 
i remember not being physically able to walk up the stairs. 
i remember sleep. so much sleep.
i remember buried feelings. so tired. so tired. so tired.
i remember it all. like it was yesterday.

but my journey has taken me from there to here. and it will take me from here to there. and i will be well one day. and the traumatizing memories of this day will not always haunt me in such a way as they do now.

i. remember.

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