Definition: The # symbol, called a hashtag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages.
now, this is for sure not twitter -- and i do not tweet -- nor twit -- nor tweeter -- but tonight i thought i'd use this very cool hashtag to summarize some thoughts that have been jumping around my brain.
"tension is who you think you should be. relaxation is who you are."
s so brilliantly wrote this to me one day. truly accepting ourselves for who we are - faults, quirks, talents and all - is a huge step in self love. i have been learning in my life most recently that the more i feel god's love for me in my life, the more i love god and want him to be in my life, the more i love myself, and strangely enough, the more i want to go and help others. i don't even know how i would diagram that if i could. it's a cycle that moves in an upward motion. god's love comes in, i begin to see myself differently and love who i am, i want to go love/serve/help others. tonight i was writing in my personal journal about this strange change in my life. for the first time i am beginning to want to do good things not out of fear or duty but out of love. love for god, myself, and others.
i have had to remind myself that even though this is new territory for me i do not need to run from it. see, that's my instinct as a person who struggles with anxiety. i want to run to the familiar. but if god would be so kind as to bring me this far, i really don't think he would leave me. it's like i've been put in a boat and i'm finally letting god drive, fill the sails with glorious wind, and i'm trusting that where he takes me is where i need to be. trust is so difficult. but with this new love of god, self, and others, it is coming a bit easier. not totally easy, but easier.
i changed the name of my blog. i have had two people who mean a lot to me tell me kindly over the past few months that i do not need to be defined by my disorder. for so long i have wanted to. it has been my safety blanket. my ace card. my excuse. and these moments and feelings and uses were okay. they were right. they were part of my journey. but now i'm growing. and i want to be known as a girl on a journey who struggles with anxiety. not an anxious girl. (let it be noted that i do plan to use the ace card when needed for emergency situations and that this is a learning curve ... tomorrow i may just change the name back. but for today it stays). and so when my thoughts begin to tumble and i long to run back to my known, secure hiding places, i will b r e a t h e. and trust that in the end