Tuesday, October 9, 2012

*ugh*

this is not an irritated 'ugh' but rather a tired one. when you say it you kind of sigh along with it and close your eyes after, as if to wish away the scene before you. i am tired. and hungry. and lonely. sometimes i wish i came home to a husband to talk to or share my day with. but i am on gst (god's standard time) and that is not for me now. i could get a pet - but i'm not going to. mostly for financial reasons right now.

instead i have surrounded my home with plants. each carrying a personality and spirit of its own. and today, i checked on my little forget me nots which ironically enough i forgot about and well they withered. it's not enough to push me over - cause i'm not as crazy as i was last week - but it's enough to add to my sadness at the moment. my other plants need watering. some look just a bit tired. i guess they are picking up on their momma's feelings.



 i am allergic to latex and after my breakdown tuesday when i cut my sides and arm, i had to wear a band aid on my arm because it is so long and the plastic band aids don't stay on so i had to wear a latex one and i now have something akin to a burn mark in the shape of a band aid around my cut. again, not enough to push me over the edge into crazyville, but enough to add to my bummed-ness.

often it's the accumulation of little things that finally sends me cliff diving into suckville. i'm trying to stay up. to stay away from that town and to stay in the actual town i live in in texas, but it's hard.

i have decided that the following visual correctly depicts my life right now.

i am riding a bike. i want it to be red, but in reality it's rusty.



it has a basket on it. i want the basket to be a strong deep brown wicker one. but in reality it's made out of shaky straw and is withered with holes in it.

the basket is filled with 'my life.' things that i'm going through - my mental health, individual and group therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, working, helping the kids i work with and doing my best, trying to get more kids on my caseload because a few have graduated and i still need to be making the same amount of money cause the bills haven't changed, seeing other doctors for my acne (bleh to that), my migraines (another bleh), and of course my stomach, trying to communicate with them and help them see that i need an endoscopy cause the throwing up hasn't stopped, spending time with friends, creating and maintaining friends, keeping my house clean and organized, decorating for the holiday seasons, managing my money (huge bleck to this), validating and supporting and encouraging those i love, staying caught up with my favorite tv shows, oh, and watering my plants.

the basket is quite full, but i thought i had it all well balanced .... until last week when i realized i'm peddling over this ...



yep, your eyes are working. it's a cobblestone road. and i had no idea how difficult it was going to be to keep 'my life' in the basket while going over bumps, dips, and trips filled with ooie gooie mud. at this point to stop would mean complete toppling over ness of my basket ... so i keep peddling hoping that i can catch the things that bump up and attempt to fall out.

but doing so only creates craziness in my world. and i end up have a break down - like last week. i know i keep referring to it - and ya'll weren't there - but trust me, for the few who were, namely me, a, my littlest sister, and my dad - it was no good. i don't think they knew who i was. i wasn't sure who i was. it was a borderline check me in to the psych ward breakdown.

now, if i'm calm and keep my anger at bay, i can see how perhaps god having me peddle down this cobblestone road is his way of helping me let the things that don't matter literally fall to the side of the road. my job is to keep my hands on the handle bars and keep peddling. his job is to make sure my basket - 'my life' - turns out ok, and the way he intended.

i am not always able to keep anger and elle at bay. i get mad that i can't do it all - with no help - ... why can't i make enough money to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end?? why can't i live a day without taking 10 or more prescription pills?? why can't i have enough energy to wake up at 6 work a 10 hour day come home and make a from scratch dinner before going out for a few hours with friends?? why can't i stop throwing up?? why can't i command my brain to make more of what i need to stop my anxiety?? why can't i command my brain to make less of what is causing me to throw up?? and if i had enough strength i would probably be crying now.

but i don't.

i am simply me. someone who needs at least ten hours of sleep a night, medicine or not. someone who enjoys quiet and who has to pray for strength to make it through some of my 30 minute speech sessions with particular kids. someone who is not in a financial position to help others right now. someone who has to keep up with her meds and dr appts and counseling, otherwise she cracks.


"who is that girl i see? 
staring straight back at me? 
when will my reflection show, who i am inside?"

when will i accept that image as who i really am and be completely content and comfortable with who i am?

someday - on gst - someday


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