Friday, October 12, 2012

for mrs g

i am writing another dedicated post.
this one is for my sweet cousin, b, who you may remember from this post.
i think i will write this post in the form of a letter ... yes, that feels right.

my dear b,

oh how i miss you! i still have your 'save the date' magnet on my fridge so i get to see you and your now husband every day. too many miles separate us and i hope that we will get to see each other soon.

when i read your status update on fb the other day, i felt pain in your words. i'm so glad we got to text tonight. you know i'm always here, right? i'm someone who you can vent to and send all the shitty stuff in your life to. it won't be too much for me. and as odd as it might seem, to me it would be a sacred honor of trust to hear about your sadness, hurts, pains - as well as your victories, happiness, and cheer.

when life gets to much for me, i often enter a place in my mind filled with irrational thoughts, worries, and anxieties. it is so hard for me to get out of this place on my own. often, i can't. a few times i have been able to, but often it takes a friend's loving words, a counselor's removed perspective, or a long hard cry with god to bring me back to a rational state of mind.

i know you are consumed with worries right now. valid worries. i know how worry works. it starts with something seemingly rational/correct (for me back in 2009 : i am not happy working for this particular home health company) and quickly spirals into irrational/incorrect thoughts (for me : i have to work here for the rest of my life working over ten hours a day driving 600 miles a week and i can't stop and i have to keep going because there is no other company out there that would hire me and it would look bad on my resume if i quit a few months after i took the job .... etc etc )

i want to give you some life lines - some simple phrases that my mentor s has said to me many times, which have kept me from jumping off the rational cliff and diving into the ocean of irrationality (way fun word!).
left foot right foot
when life gets too much and the pressures of heavy decisions become crushing, focus on the minute. because really, we only have to live in the minute. i know that we need to come out of the minute and see the big picture sometimes, but often, if we can focus on what is going on right now in the moment, our path somehow unfolds beautifully. there are days when your best will be putting your left foot in front of your right foot. and those days are allowed, ok, honest, and acceptable. getting out of bed and into the car will be the greatest thing for you to accomplish that day. rest, knowing that that is good enough.
today is not a day to excel
this is one of my favorites, because there are days when you will have a choice to push yourself until you break, or to realize how much you've done, be gentle with yourself, and not push too hard. do what is necessary, but do not hurt yourself in the process. show an added measure of love and kindness to yourself. those who love you will understand that you are surviving and that is enough.

5 years from now it won't matter
another favorite of mine. i actually have this written on my white board in my room because s told me this at a time when i was loosing it. it was only about a month ago. physically i wasn't feeling well, my emotions were crushing me, and work was changing and there was too much to process and sort through too fast. so she said to me '5 years from now it won't matter.' how right she was / is. there is literally a year's gap on my resume. it is from november 2010 to november 2011 when i spent time in counseling, getting on correct medication to get my seizures under control, and when i slept. a lot. a lot ,,, a lot. but you know what? i have a job now and everything has worked out.

let go and let god
this is probably the hardest one for me to live and internalize. letting god is not always in my plans. i like to know what's going on. when things will happen. what my next step will be. but god has been teaching me that he is in charge. he brings me to choices and opportunities and allows me to pick what i want to do. he has not left you alone. he has not forgotten you. he will come to your rescue and give you all you want, need and deserve in life. i know he loves you. he has done this for me, so it is clear to me that he will do it for you.

WW_S
last but not least, it's the WW_S list. my original post on that is here. you said tonight as we were texting that your apartment is just down the hill from where our sweet mamaw is buried. if you can, in moments of panic, fear, unsureness, worries, and tumbling thoughts, pause, get a piece of paper, write at the top 'what would mamaw say?' and then list 3-5 things she would tell you in that moment. you knew her so well and loved her so deeply that i know as you pause and listen, you will hear and feel words from her come into your soul. she is close to all of us, and just a hop and a skip away from you :)

i want you to know that i love you. and i hope these life lines will help you when life becomes too much. know that i'm only a text, phone call, email, fb message or if you're feeling up to it plane ride away.

remember, all is well and all is well and all that matters is well.

xo, me

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