Wednesday, October 31, 2012

bloom where you're planted


there are three IMPORTANT things i want to write about ... and so for the sake of my sanity i will divide them into three sections in this post.

1

you.are.enough.

enough. bleh. such a word. such a yucky word when used in the following sentences
"will i ever be enough?" "have i done enough?" "am i good enough?" "will i ever be skinny enough?" "will i ever be happy enough?" "will i ever be financially secure enough?" "will IT ever be enough?"
(etc etc etc)

that IT we refer to is our lives. our efforts. and when we think of ourselves in terms of enough, the answer quite bluntly is no, we will never be-think-do-offer-say-believe or anything enough. because enough is a black hole. it is a vacuum that sucks in everything around it and keeps spinning.
it is never satisfied.

enough is essentially a mirror reflected in a mirror. never ending. almost without beginning.
certainly without end.



enough has driven me to the cliff of insanity. i have often crumbled under it's consuming weight and power. i have let it rule much of my life. but tonight i would like to say that i have had enough of enough! and when these consuming thoughts enter my mind i will turn to god, and quietly ask him, "god, am i enough to you?" i feel in my heart that his gentle, loving answer has always been and will always be, "yes, my child, you are." and if i am enough to god, then what else matters ... the god of this universe has spoken. to me. and assured me that i am enough.

i will trust him.


2

i remember back in 2009 graduating from college and starting my career. this is how i was positive my days would go. step 1 : go to work. step 2 : teach kids how to speak. step 3 : kids are cured in one session. step 4 : repeat steps 1-3 the next day with all new kids.

i was wrong.

that is not how my work days went. instead i spent hours with children trying to get them to say 'more' 'please' and 'all done.' and when they couldn't do that after weeks and months i was sure i had failed.

enter s. she was my supervisor at work and gently and consistently taught me that 'you have to work with the kids where they are.' for example, i was going into homes expecting children who could not say /m/ to use the sentence "i want more please." guess what?? my first step was to teach them the sign (non-verbal communication) for more, then the sound /m/, next the word more, then add one word - more please, until finally we arrived at a sentence i want more please.

this took months. and all the while s kept reminding me through this very long (to me) process that i have to work with the kids where they are. i can't expect them to use sentences when they do not know how to make sounds yet.

she was right.

(bloom where you're planted)

and the same principle applies to me. i have to work with myself where i am. i can't expect to be making $100,000 a year, working 40 plus hours a week, having energy to go out every night with friends, keep a perfectly clean, orderly and well decorated home, while balancing my emotional, physical and mental well-being. it's not possible for me right now.

so instead i will start with myself where i am. i will focus on keeping up with dr and counseling appointments, taking medication at the right time, seeing my patients at work, doing something with friends 1 or 2 nights a week, cleaning my home every other week, and taking my car to be cleaned once a month. this is where i'm at. and when i have more strength i will do more. but until then, i'm starting where i'm at.

3

last but not least i want to share this poem with you. i have it in my home. s shared it with me years ago. it has made a big difference in my life. i hope it will touch you.
calm-quiet-peace

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927


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