Wednesday, October 31, 2012

bloom where you're planted


there are three IMPORTANT things i want to write about ... and so for the sake of my sanity i will divide them into three sections in this post.

1

you.are.enough.

enough. bleh. such a word. such a yucky word when used in the following sentences
"will i ever be enough?" "have i done enough?" "am i good enough?" "will i ever be skinny enough?" "will i ever be happy enough?" "will i ever be financially secure enough?" "will IT ever be enough?"
(etc etc etc)

that IT we refer to is our lives. our efforts. and when we think of ourselves in terms of enough, the answer quite bluntly is no, we will never be-think-do-offer-say-believe or anything enough. because enough is a black hole. it is a vacuum that sucks in everything around it and keeps spinning.
it is never satisfied.

enough is essentially a mirror reflected in a mirror. never ending. almost without beginning.
certainly without end.



enough has driven me to the cliff of insanity. i have often crumbled under it's consuming weight and power. i have let it rule much of my life. but tonight i would like to say that i have had enough of enough! and when these consuming thoughts enter my mind i will turn to god, and quietly ask him, "god, am i enough to you?" i feel in my heart that his gentle, loving answer has always been and will always be, "yes, my child, you are." and if i am enough to god, then what else matters ... the god of this universe has spoken. to me. and assured me that i am enough.

i will trust him.


2

i remember back in 2009 graduating from college and starting my career. this is how i was positive my days would go. step 1 : go to work. step 2 : teach kids how to speak. step 3 : kids are cured in one session. step 4 : repeat steps 1-3 the next day with all new kids.

i was wrong.

that is not how my work days went. instead i spent hours with children trying to get them to say 'more' 'please' and 'all done.' and when they couldn't do that after weeks and months i was sure i had failed.

enter s. she was my supervisor at work and gently and consistently taught me that 'you have to work with the kids where they are.' for example, i was going into homes expecting children who could not say /m/ to use the sentence "i want more please." guess what?? my first step was to teach them the sign (non-verbal communication) for more, then the sound /m/, next the word more, then add one word - more please, until finally we arrived at a sentence i want more please.

this took months. and all the while s kept reminding me through this very long (to me) process that i have to work with the kids where they are. i can't expect them to use sentences when they do not know how to make sounds yet.

she was right.

(bloom where you're planted)

and the same principle applies to me. i have to work with myself where i am. i can't expect to be making $100,000 a year, working 40 plus hours a week, having energy to go out every night with friends, keep a perfectly clean, orderly and well decorated home, while balancing my emotional, physical and mental well-being. it's not possible for me right now.

so instead i will start with myself where i am. i will focus on keeping up with dr and counseling appointments, taking medication at the right time, seeing my patients at work, doing something with friends 1 or 2 nights a week, cleaning my home every other week, and taking my car to be cleaned once a month. this is where i'm at. and when i have more strength i will do more. but until then, i'm starting where i'm at.

3

last but not least i want to share this poem with you. i have it in my home. s shared it with me years ago. it has made a big difference in my life. i hope it will touch you.
calm-quiet-peace

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927


Sunday, October 28, 2012

for dad

i love my dad.

he is the second oldest child - oldest son - of 15 children who grew up on a farm in kentucky. he inherited his mother's - mamaw's - calm, loving, steady personality. (i wrote about mamaw here) like mamaw, dad is soft spoken, does not not like confrontation, and works hard without complaint. from dad i got many things including ridiculously shaped toes, a strong dislike for confrontation and an eye for new scrapes/dents/any damage to my car.

this past weekend i learned a very important lesson
:::
once you choose to become a parent, you are a parent for L I F E.

kids don't always leave the house at 18. it's so funny to me when i see some new parents on facebook say things like 'can't wait to see what the next 18 years brings with him/her!' and i'm like, um actually you will always be that kid's parent, so it's more like 'can't wait to see what this kid does for the rest of my life!' 'cause 18 years just doesn't even cut it.

my parents had 4 kids. we are now all past the age of 16 and so we all own our own cars. and what that actaully means is that even though my name or my brother's name or my sisters' names is/are on the car title .... dad's the one who does all the maintainence on the cars. my dad who is a little closer to the 60 year mark than the 50 pseudo-owns 4 cars and actually owns 2 :)

case in point : this past weekend dad changed the front brakes and roters on my car. do not ask me what a roter is because i only know it does something that helps with the stopping of the car when i press the stop peddle. after much talking/insisting my youngest sister and i convinced dad that the brakes on her car were H O R R I B L E! we of course were right (which is another thing : no matter how old the kid, he/she will always claim to know everything, until he/she has kids of his/her own - and since none of dad's kids are there yet, he's stuck knowing nothing for another 5-ish years)

so dad did my sister's front brakes. and then the finger nails down the chalkboard - witch being boiled in lava - ear drum shattering screeching started. dad asked us to come out and make sure he was actually hearing what he thought he was hearing. oh, he was. so he then changed out the back brakes and roters. at this point me and my sister needed an afternoon nap, so we left dad to work on the tires alone. i know, daughters of the year award right there. and 11 pm that night found him fixing the second flat tire of his day on my mom's car. so all in all, over this past weekend, my dad put on six new brakes, six new roters, and fixed two flat tires. all on his own.

the.man.is.good.

and not only is he good, he's amazing. he did it all without complaining about the cost, time or energy it took. dad usually does not sleep well at night. he's up by 4 or 5 to be into work by 6 and usually doesn't get home until 5 or 6. he has helped me out financially. me. a child who has finally moved out. and yet, he's a parent, and parents still help out no matter how old the child is.

when you choose to be a parent, you are making a life long commitment to help another human being make it in the world. to live and succeed. dad helped me pay for college. and it's not just financial things. he takes the time to come over to my apartment and clean out my light fixtures when crickets get in there and die. he takes care of my car when the thought of brakes not working sends me into a panic. he doesn't force me to help him but welcomes my company if i come out and watch him work. cause i'm the paper towel getter - weed picker upper - etc etc girl.

i don't do the hard part of the work :)

in so many ways i see qualities of god, my heavenly father, in my earthly dad. (i wrote about how i would spend a day with god here) my heavenly father wants to hear about my day, help me when i am struggling, and spend time with me. just like him my earthly father wants to hear about my work days, help me when i am struggling financially, and spend time with me as he fixes my car.

one day i'll have a husband. and i hope that he is as thorough, precise, and wise as my dad is about fixing things in the house, doing yard work, and keeping our cars in good working order. among many other things.

once you're a parent, you're always a parent.
once you're a dad, you're always a dad.
i have a pretty great one.
i love you, dad.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

part 2 : soothe

i want to write about a few spiritual things that have been floating around my brain. this will be part two of the post i started late sunday/early monday morning.

first, a little over a month ago i started attending a christian based group therapy called celebrate recovery. i have found it very soothing to my soul and have enjoyed sharing my challenges with a group of women who listen and support. there is no back and forth talking, no advice or recommendations on books or scriptures to read. i get to talk for 5 minutes about whatever i want. my nick name for this is 'the dump truck session' cause i back my dump truck into there, dump all my stuff, and leave. it's really quite refreshing.

the sessions are conducted differently each week. sometimes they have a speaker who talks about his/her journey and other times they have a teacher go over one of the 12 recovery steps. two weeks ago it was a speaker who talked about his journey. i didn't relate to much of what he said, but one sentence really impacted me.

he said, "because of the way god has consoled me through my challenges i am able to console others who are going through experiences similar to mine."

the gears in my brain started spinning. it was so brilliant in its simplicity.

i can console the way i've been consoled.

if you haven't noticed, i really enjoy writing. i love words. i love how with one word you can so often sum up a feeling and give it to another so they understand. words are power.

and the word console is one i have never used before but when he said it, it spoke to my soul. synonyms for console are comfort, solace, soothe. my favorite of which is soothe. so often i feel like a three year old child, throwing a tantrum, because i don't understand what's going on in my life.

my face is blotchy red, stained with tears. my hair is swimming around my face in wispy disarray. my voice is hoarse from hours of crying and screaming. my eyes are watery and blurry. and all i really want is to be soothed. to have god lift me into his mighty arms and hold me tight. to comfort and calm my heart.

so often he has done this for me when i allow him in. and because i have felt his mercy, grace, and love in my life, i am better able to share that with others.

do i love the challenges i face in life? no. i really don't. but i can't deny that because of what i have gone through my eyes can more easily see those struggling. my heart is softer towards those hurting. i see the shame and grief of anxiety so clearly in others and i can reach them because with no hesitation i can say, 'i know exactly how you feel.' and they know it's true because they see the pain in my eyes, the scars on my arms, the hope in my steps.

console
what a lovely word

second, this same man who spoke at the meeting said god expects progress not perfection. for all of my teenage years i struggled with the idea of perfection. i never achieved it, so i beat myself up for my failures. in truth, each moment i lived and breathed i was progressing which was a success. i look back on that scared, timid, shy, anxiety ridden girl with eyes of love and understanding. i was doing my best but was too hard on myself. instead of crying myself to sleep each night over the things i didn't do well enough and the things i had to do the next day, i wish i could've slept in peace, knowing i had done my best and that was enough.

part of the problem was i was literally off balance chemically and didn't have the complete ability to calm down on my own. with the right medication perhaps i could've started on my progressive journey earlier - but my life is on god's time so i will trust that all has happened for a reason.

progress not perfection.
that i can do.

third and finally my counselor created 'customized affirmations for miss standing ovation aka rachel' and gave them to me at our last session. seriously, that's the title he gave it :)

i want to share them.

1 - i take self-care seriously and know when self-harm thoughts crowd in this is a warning sign that pain is overflowing from within. i will reach out for connection to off load pain through friends, family or god. i will not isolate when depressed; i will muster the strength to reach out and connect.

2 - i am enjoying more peace and purpose in my life as i accept god's plan for me.

3 - i am shifting from angry and powerless as i accept the serenity prayer message of accepting things i cannot change and having the courage to change the things i can.

4 - my sadness and loneliness is point me towards taking steps of sharing my self with more people. i envision my social circle expanding as i let others see my authentic self and feel others accept me with my hurts and hang-ups. i am taking risks by practicing self-disclosure gradually and safely.

now, because i am progressing, i am not doing/feeling/working on all of these right now. i told him that. my favorite one is the second one. i am enjoying more peace and purpose in my life as i accept god's plan for me. that's where i am. and i will work on the others in time.

what affirmations would you write for yourself?

Monday, October 22, 2012

part 1 : hard to stomach

there are two main topics i want to write about tonight. i've decided to divide them into two parts. hopefully that will help me stay focused and on task. the first post will be about my year and how i am going to entitle it 'the year that was hard to stomach.' the next post will be from a prompt my counselor gave me. (oh, btw it's 12:48 AM and i'm not writing the other post until - well later today)

ok. saturday i spent the day with s at her house. as we talked about my health and where i am with that, i told her that my very wise gastroenterologist understands that my symptoms are complex in that they are part physiological (physical) and part psychological (conversion disorder).

if you need a refresher on how anxiety works in my life please click here.

info on my conversion disorder is best described here on mayo clinic's website.

an example of the physiological aspect of my throwing up is i bend over to do laundry, shave my legs, unload/load the dishwasher, and i throw up. an example of the psychological aspect of the throwing up is i feel stressed or anxious, my stomach clenches and my insides suddenly want to be on my outsides.

as you can see, i'm not a one stop shop. i'm a complicated being. and often times i confuse myself.

friday, i had an endoscopy where the doctor found 250 cc's of bile in my stomach, leading her to the conclusion that my stomach is not contracting the way it needs to to digest food. i also have grade 2 esophagitis due to the throwing up. so that's fun.

she gave me a new medication which in essence forces my body to digest food quickly. it's day two of it and i'm still throwing up. but rome wasn't built in a day, right? right?? right.



now, what in the world does all of this have to do with spending saturday with s? well, as i told her about all of my tummy issues and how the physiological and the psychological are intertwined, she said (brilliantly of course), "remember, that so many things in your life have been hard to stomach."

oh my hell W O W ! yes, they damn well have!!! and so, i decided to take a look at my year so far and see what major things have happened, going by month, that may have led to the accumulation of shit to make my year "hard to stomach."

*these are major events and do not include monthly trips to the psychiatrist, weekly counseling visits, and other routine doctor visits - of which there are many (quick side story : while en-route to utah with b, mom and dad in august, my phone got dropped in soda - don't ask - and so we had to go through and get all my contacts out cause i don't have a sim card - don't ask - and while i narrated name and number b wrote them down .... my list of doctors took up an entire note page. #it'ssoawesometobeme)*
**please keep in mind that all of this is processed with an anxiety disorder**
***



january - working for two home health companies ; moved out on my very own into an apartment ; getting internet, electricity, insurance, and other things started for being on my own.
february - now working for one home health company ; flew to utah for b's birthday - this was my second trip alone since my initial crash in 2010 ; a friend of mine got married (so happy for her - a bit sad for myself in seeing her have something i so dearly want) ; met with a church leader - meeting did not go well and i left with severely hurt feelings.



march - went to san antonio to get my continuing education credits for my job ; the one year anniversary of my mamaw's death ; house sitting ie : new situation / routine and away from my safe home.




april - turned the big 2-3 ... ya ... had a hard time coming to terms with that ; got a speeding ticket ; found out a dear friend was having a baby - so happy for her but again, sad for me in that i wasn't having experiences i thought i would be at this point in my life ; the air conditioning in my home started leaking = worst . thing . ever . you don't mess with a crazy girl's a/c. you. just. don't.



may - changed counselors and had a few friends in and out of my house as they came and visited - which i am so glad they did, but again, remember, with an anxiety disorder, nothing is simple - changing routine and space is difficult.



june - ac F I N A L L Y fixed ; j made a book about it ; baby shower for a friend - again thinking about what i thought i would have at this point in my life but seeing how different life turns out ; changing work times to summer schedule.



july - still on summer schedule with speech kids ; started throwing up ; had an ultrasound - the irony that i was having one to check for a liver and gallbladder and not a baby was N O T lost on me ; it was hard.



august - wrangled with insurance to see how much a special procedure to see how my gallbladder was working would cost ; changed speech kids to school schedule ; still throwing up ; went to utah for a week to see b ; had surgery. possibly worst. month. ever.



september - oddly enough this month has been the only one closest to normal ; most of the month was spent not throwing up and i started attending a christian based group therapy with my friend a.



october - have been doing my job and so quite a few of my speech kids graduated which is good for them but difficult for me - hard to see them go and i have lost visits which is money and so things have been on the slimmer end financially which have significantly increased my worry//anxiety ; met with another church leader and had another bad experience - left with hurt feelings ; had a very bad emotionally crash after that - turned to self injury to try and cope ; endoscopy/tummy stuff.

whew.

so there we go.

i'm totally spent reviewing this. i do not write all of this to go 'see my life is so hard let's sit and have a pitty party' or to go 'see how awesome i am getting up and living each day' but rather to show myself that there are so many life factors that affect me physically and psychologically.

i am working on getting well emotionally. but sometimes - as i am seeing - in the process i physically become sick.

so what's the point of this post? idk. i guess i just needed to lay out my year so far in a format i would understand and process well. perhaps this is something i will show my counselor and talk to him about as we try to figure out how to get me stronger emotionally.

whoever you are, reader, i want you to know that your life matters. that there are situations in your life that are difficult for you. and if they are difficult for you, it really doesn't matter if they would be difficult for someone else. god challenges us, individually, so that we can grow closer to him. you may look at my year and go 'wow, what a breeze' but that's not the point of this post.

the point, i guess, was to see where i started, what happened, and how i got to where i am.

so much learning and growing has happened this year. it hasn't been easy. take the good with the bad.

maybe you'll be inspired to look at your life month by month and map out your highs and lows.

happy mapping :)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

no title needed

ok ... i need to vent ... and it's my blog ... so i'm going to.

let me start out with this :::

I AM SO TIRED OF THROWING UP!!!!!!!!

ugh. it's exhausting. and i have a touch of a cold and so the dry throat gets me coughing which makes my gag reflex well activate and there i go throwing up and up and up in front of strangers' houses ... all over the greater dallas area. i mean yuck! i feel like a freakin' dog marking her territory.

you may remember an earlier post entitled - maybe my super power is vomit - about this throwing up i've been going through. later i had surgery to remove my gallbladder because that's what the drs thought was causing the throwing up and i wrote about it in my post entitled walking anyway.

it's six weeks post surgery ... and i'm still throwing up!!!!!!!! :(

:( boohooohooooo! seriously. there is a reason why throwing up is not a part of our everyday normal routine. wake up - eat breakfast - throw up - brush your teeth - get dressed - throw up - print notes off for work - get snacks - throw up .... see this is just not how it's supposed to be.

throwing up is just gross. the feeling of food and water slipping up your throat and coming out of your mouth is NASTY!!! so so so nasty!!!!

i have developed some very odd what i guess i'll label 'talents' from this whole throwing up for no apparent reason season in my life ....

1) i have amazing aim with my vomit. like amazing. i can make it in the exact center of a cup / sink. awesome.

2) i can drive and throw up at the same time. if i had a third arm i could change the radio station. how sweet would that be??!!

i almost feel like the guy in green eggs and ham .... i can do it by a fox in a box in a house near a mouse on a train or a plane in a cup while i jump ..... pretty much anywhere anytime for no reason.

and so ... i'm having an endoscopy on friday.  which is good :)

please god, please, let them find something wrong that is fixable because i'm 99% sure i can't live the rest of my life throwing up everyday. it's exhausting. and i know you understand and will use it for your greater purpose. but i don't understand and i'm tired of this trial. is that bad to say, god? i really am ready to be done with the vomit. i mean if it was for a baby i could probably manage. but there's no baby. there's nothing that i can see that will come from this. just my lunch. so please god, please, help the doctor to be smart and to see - really see - what is going on. and let there be a solution to this. please, let it end soon.



Sunday, October 14, 2012

oh those brown eyes

HACKED! This is b writing on r's blog. I write because sometimes comments aren't read in their entirety and everyone needs to know how beautiful my beloved sister is. if you don't already know, here's a start:

Rachel is:

strong--her strength comes from weakness. ironic and yet so true.

lovely--the beauty this dear heart brings to the world through her words and her acceptance.

malleable--may be an odd word--but the truth of it is rachel embraces the changes she sees daily: in her clients, in her emotions, in her family, in her journey.

accepting--no matter where I am on my journey, rachel accepts it. she embraces me and loves me at the lowest, highest and that awkward middle ground where there's really just movement.

a resource for success--you want to succeed in life, look into those honey-brown eyes, lit with love, pain, and a desire to continue to move forward. she knows. she understands. and she still loves.

a sister--literally she's my sister. but i think if i were not her biological sister, we would still be sisters. anne of green gables coined the phrase "kindred spirits" and that is how rachel is. those who love her the most, love her the most.

a hope--i read of her life, talk to her, text her, listen, learn and love her. she gives me hope in finding beauty everyday. there is always a reason to go on. if not happiness, she tells me sleep is a reason to continue. she tells me to go to sonic. she tells me to take care of myself. she tells me to live the life i love. she reminds me there is a reason to love.
dearest, i love you. and all who read this post know why.


a question from b

today my sister sent me this question in a text
:::
if you had a day with god, how would you spend it?

this was such a brilliant question that i believed it deserved more than a text for an answer. it deserved a post.

i believe in god. he is my father who lives in heaven. he is the literal father of my spirit or soul which is in me and gives life to my physical body.

i also believe in jesus christ. he is a separate and distinct individual from my heavenly father. jesus christ is the savior of the world. he is my older brother. the bible has many stories of the life of jesus christ. i know them. i love them. i believe them.



in answer to my sister's question, i will respond to how i would spend a day with god, my heavenly father.

first, i would invite him into my home. he is my father and i want him to see what i have accomplished. what i have done with the life he has given me. seeing my home would bring him joy. he would love my decor and pictures. i think/hope it would be a place he would feel comfortable being. i would probably be playing christmas music.

second, i would show him my plants. i love my plants, but there is one that is dying. i would ask him to show me how to help it grow. maybe where to put it in my home, how often to water it, and what to 'feed it' so that it would grow and stay healthy. he would be so happy to show me this. i would ask him about roses. how did he think to create such a beautiful flower? and would he please make one for me with a color i have never seen before? i think he would be happy to do this for me.

third, we would just sit on my couch and talk. mostly i would just want to be in his presence. to feel the love he has for me. in these sweet quiet moments, i wouldn't ask why he loves me or question his love for me, rather i would feel it radiate through me. i would embrace it and accept it.

i think this is all i would do on my day with god. i would spend it in my home, with god, listening and learning from him. i think my countenance would be very child-like. i feel in my heart that i would want to take a nap and have him watch over me. to have him physically with me and to feel his presence so near and so real would be such a blessing. i would want that. time i guess. because in truth, time is love. and i would want him to know that me spending time with him was me showing my love for him. and i would know in a very real way that him spending time with me was showing me how much he loves me.



i feel god's influence in my life everyday. some days it is stronger than others. when i am more 'in-tune' with god i feel him so near. there are times when my anxieties and worries create a barrier around my heart 'protecting' me. in these moments i don't feel god as strongly because my fear has consumed my faith. often a friend, counselor, or long prayer will bring me back to god.

one thing i have decided i would not do on my day with god is ask him to heal me from my anxiety disorder. to so many who are struggling with physical, mental, emotional issues, addictions, hurts and pains, it seems like asking god to take away that trial or rather heal you from that trial would be the first and best thing to do. but i have decided that it is because of my anxiety disorder that i have such a close relationship with god. it brings me to him.
why would i ask him to take away from me that which brings me to him?



i know he is real. i know he is close. i know he cares.
even on my worst day, i can't deny these facts.

so now i pose the question to you
:::
'if you had a day with god, how would you spend it?'

Friday, October 12, 2012

for mrs g

i am writing another dedicated post.
this one is for my sweet cousin, b, who you may remember from this post.
i think i will write this post in the form of a letter ... yes, that feels right.

my dear b,

oh how i miss you! i still have your 'save the date' magnet on my fridge so i get to see you and your now husband every day. too many miles separate us and i hope that we will get to see each other soon.

when i read your status update on fb the other day, i felt pain in your words. i'm so glad we got to text tonight. you know i'm always here, right? i'm someone who you can vent to and send all the shitty stuff in your life to. it won't be too much for me. and as odd as it might seem, to me it would be a sacred honor of trust to hear about your sadness, hurts, pains - as well as your victories, happiness, and cheer.

when life gets to much for me, i often enter a place in my mind filled with irrational thoughts, worries, and anxieties. it is so hard for me to get out of this place on my own. often, i can't. a few times i have been able to, but often it takes a friend's loving words, a counselor's removed perspective, or a long hard cry with god to bring me back to a rational state of mind.

i know you are consumed with worries right now. valid worries. i know how worry works. it starts with something seemingly rational/correct (for me back in 2009 : i am not happy working for this particular home health company) and quickly spirals into irrational/incorrect thoughts (for me : i have to work here for the rest of my life working over ten hours a day driving 600 miles a week and i can't stop and i have to keep going because there is no other company out there that would hire me and it would look bad on my resume if i quit a few months after i took the job .... etc etc )

i want to give you some life lines - some simple phrases that my mentor s has said to me many times, which have kept me from jumping off the rational cliff and diving into the ocean of irrationality (way fun word!).
left foot right foot
when life gets too much and the pressures of heavy decisions become crushing, focus on the minute. because really, we only have to live in the minute. i know that we need to come out of the minute and see the big picture sometimes, but often, if we can focus on what is going on right now in the moment, our path somehow unfolds beautifully. there are days when your best will be putting your left foot in front of your right foot. and those days are allowed, ok, honest, and acceptable. getting out of bed and into the car will be the greatest thing for you to accomplish that day. rest, knowing that that is good enough.
today is not a day to excel
this is one of my favorites, because there are days when you will have a choice to push yourself until you break, or to realize how much you've done, be gentle with yourself, and not push too hard. do what is necessary, but do not hurt yourself in the process. show an added measure of love and kindness to yourself. those who love you will understand that you are surviving and that is enough.

5 years from now it won't matter
another favorite of mine. i actually have this written on my white board in my room because s told me this at a time when i was loosing it. it was only about a month ago. physically i wasn't feeling well, my emotions were crushing me, and work was changing and there was too much to process and sort through too fast. so she said to me '5 years from now it won't matter.' how right she was / is. there is literally a year's gap on my resume. it is from november 2010 to november 2011 when i spent time in counseling, getting on correct medication to get my seizures under control, and when i slept. a lot. a lot ,,, a lot. but you know what? i have a job now and everything has worked out.

let go and let god
this is probably the hardest one for me to live and internalize. letting god is not always in my plans. i like to know what's going on. when things will happen. what my next step will be. but god has been teaching me that he is in charge. he brings me to choices and opportunities and allows me to pick what i want to do. he has not left you alone. he has not forgotten you. he will come to your rescue and give you all you want, need and deserve in life. i know he loves you. he has done this for me, so it is clear to me that he will do it for you.

WW_S
last but not least, it's the WW_S list. my original post on that is here. you said tonight as we were texting that your apartment is just down the hill from where our sweet mamaw is buried. if you can, in moments of panic, fear, unsureness, worries, and tumbling thoughts, pause, get a piece of paper, write at the top 'what would mamaw say?' and then list 3-5 things she would tell you in that moment. you knew her so well and loved her so deeply that i know as you pause and listen, you will hear and feel words from her come into your soul. she is close to all of us, and just a hop and a skip away from you :)

i want you to know that i love you. and i hope these life lines will help you when life becomes too much. know that i'm only a text, phone call, email, fb message or if you're feeling up to it plane ride away.

remember, all is well and all is well and all that matters is well.

xo, me

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

*ugh*

this is not an irritated 'ugh' but rather a tired one. when you say it you kind of sigh along with it and close your eyes after, as if to wish away the scene before you. i am tired. and hungry. and lonely. sometimes i wish i came home to a husband to talk to or share my day with. but i am on gst (god's standard time) and that is not for me now. i could get a pet - but i'm not going to. mostly for financial reasons right now.

instead i have surrounded my home with plants. each carrying a personality and spirit of its own. and today, i checked on my little forget me nots which ironically enough i forgot about and well they withered. it's not enough to push me over - cause i'm not as crazy as i was last week - but it's enough to add to my sadness at the moment. my other plants need watering. some look just a bit tired. i guess they are picking up on their momma's feelings.



 i am allergic to latex and after my breakdown tuesday when i cut my sides and arm, i had to wear a band aid on my arm because it is so long and the plastic band aids don't stay on so i had to wear a latex one and i now have something akin to a burn mark in the shape of a band aid around my cut. again, not enough to push me over the edge into crazyville, but enough to add to my bummed-ness.

often it's the accumulation of little things that finally sends me cliff diving into suckville. i'm trying to stay up. to stay away from that town and to stay in the actual town i live in in texas, but it's hard.

i have decided that the following visual correctly depicts my life right now.

i am riding a bike. i want it to be red, but in reality it's rusty.



it has a basket on it. i want the basket to be a strong deep brown wicker one. but in reality it's made out of shaky straw and is withered with holes in it.

the basket is filled with 'my life.' things that i'm going through - my mental health, individual and group therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, working, helping the kids i work with and doing my best, trying to get more kids on my caseload because a few have graduated and i still need to be making the same amount of money cause the bills haven't changed, seeing other doctors for my acne (bleh to that), my migraines (another bleh), and of course my stomach, trying to communicate with them and help them see that i need an endoscopy cause the throwing up hasn't stopped, spending time with friends, creating and maintaining friends, keeping my house clean and organized, decorating for the holiday seasons, managing my money (huge bleck to this), validating and supporting and encouraging those i love, staying caught up with my favorite tv shows, oh, and watering my plants.

the basket is quite full, but i thought i had it all well balanced .... until last week when i realized i'm peddling over this ...



yep, your eyes are working. it's a cobblestone road. and i had no idea how difficult it was going to be to keep 'my life' in the basket while going over bumps, dips, and trips filled with ooie gooie mud. at this point to stop would mean complete toppling over ness of my basket ... so i keep peddling hoping that i can catch the things that bump up and attempt to fall out.

but doing so only creates craziness in my world. and i end up have a break down - like last week. i know i keep referring to it - and ya'll weren't there - but trust me, for the few who were, namely me, a, my littlest sister, and my dad - it was no good. i don't think they knew who i was. i wasn't sure who i was. it was a borderline check me in to the psych ward breakdown.

now, if i'm calm and keep my anger at bay, i can see how perhaps god having me peddle down this cobblestone road is his way of helping me let the things that don't matter literally fall to the side of the road. my job is to keep my hands on the handle bars and keep peddling. his job is to make sure my basket - 'my life' - turns out ok, and the way he intended.

i am not always able to keep anger and elle at bay. i get mad that i can't do it all - with no help - ... why can't i make enough money to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end?? why can't i live a day without taking 10 or more prescription pills?? why can't i have enough energy to wake up at 6 work a 10 hour day come home and make a from scratch dinner before going out for a few hours with friends?? why can't i stop throwing up?? why can't i command my brain to make more of what i need to stop my anxiety?? why can't i command my brain to make less of what is causing me to throw up?? and if i had enough strength i would probably be crying now.

but i don't.

i am simply me. someone who needs at least ten hours of sleep a night, medicine or not. someone who enjoys quiet and who has to pray for strength to make it through some of my 30 minute speech sessions with particular kids. someone who is not in a financial position to help others right now. someone who has to keep up with her meds and dr appts and counseling, otherwise she cracks.


"who is that girl i see? 
staring straight back at me? 
when will my reflection show, who i am inside?"

when will i accept that image as who i really am and be completely content and comfortable with who i am?

someday - on gst - someday


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

>:'(

on the stability scale of
1-10
with 1 being "i am completely stable, calmly eating a snack"
to 10 "i am completely unstable, actively commiting suicide"
i am a solid 8.

therefore this post must be taken with a grain of salt.
.salt. my eyes sting from the amount of salty heart wrenching tears they have produced in the past 24 hours.
yes. i have had two breakdowns, crashes, system failures in the last 24 hours.
i'm hurting and hungover from all of the emotion.
i cut. to try and numb the pain. it didn't work.
i cried. to try and release the pain. it didn't work.
and i thought about crashing my car. bad.
these reasons and more explain the solid 8.
my solution tonight is to drug and go to bed while i'm semi ahead.
i have
no wisdom to impart. no great advice to give. no encrouaging words to say.
there are days when life is going to suck. and i mean bad. and if those days turn into a week then you call that week
SUCKFEST 2012
and cry your f'in eyes out!
for this week i've moved to the following address :::
060 Sucky Ln.
Suckville, Suckerton 00600