Tuesday, September 4, 2012


it feels like f o r e v e r since i last blogged but it hasn't even been a week!
i am doing very well :) feeling good - no throwing up or nausea - fingers crossed - for the rest of my life. and truly besides a very sore belly button i don't have much to complain about : and true story in real time ::: i just survived a sneeze! so i must be doing well.
my therapist gave me homework last week. it was to create a personal first aid kit (p-fak). he explained that the purpose of the p-fak is it's something for me to go to when i'm feeling down or in a slooooop. whenever i need a pick me up or reminder of how much i've done / can do. i have found it truly fun and imagine this - therapeutic.
he gave me these instructions ...

which i took and ran with - hence the pink writing all over. i wanted to show you what i put in my p-fak in the hopes that perhaps you will be inspired to make your own. (or you know just leave comments on how awesome mine is :p jk )

ahhh, choosing the right box. i knew this would be no simple task so i went to hobby lobby right after my session armed with a 40% off coupon and spent a good hour walking around, listening to the boxes, deciding which one was going home with me. i chose this one.
he spoke so softly.
"cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow, live today"

i was as literally as possible bursting with ideas. many of the items in my p-fak are from s. i have so many words i call her - momma, friend, colleague, but the newest one which came to mind today was mentor. she has taught me so much. back in 2010 she would send me daily encouraging texts. i wrote them onto note cards and hung them on my closet wall. i love this one. "rock on rachel" indeed i will!

these are placed in no particular order -- this is my bag of awesomeness !!! first of all the seed things you see in there are actually lavender. i love the smell of lavender. it calms me. and i found it with cork screws at some random flea market and fell in love. i of course had to have it. i mixed in there some pom poms - seriously you can't even say that word without smiling - and SEQUINS - and yes, it's true, darling tiny jingle bells :)

i found that pink diamond at hobby lobby and it spoke to me. i love it. the shapes. the way the light reflects off of it. so in the box it went. um, ya i think the chocolate speaks for itself. but i want to take a moment and explain the flower. i try to buy myself fresh flowers each week. they are usually roses. i bought a dozen roses that were the most amazing color i have ever seen - white to red and orange tipped. as time went on they started to die, but not like my other flowers usually do. these stayed in the water yet dried so perfectly or gracefully. yes, these roses died with grace. and one day, i want to die like that. my grandma died with grace. she was kind and loving to her last breathe. and i want to age kindly - lovingly - and die with grace. the rose is a reminder.

my friend - jamil - bought me the seed bombs and i didn't plant them because it was too late in the season - and then i discovered that it was actually because they needed to go in my p-fak. a reminder that life goes on and comes from the most unlikely/unsuspecting things. life is around me. i have a quote on my patio that says "to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow." and another "all things grow with love." naturally a purple pen if something brilliant comes to mind - the rock turtle is so special to me. it is from a and i was so conflicted -- i wanted it in the box but also out where i could see it everyday. i decided to put it in so that in my low moments, i can hold it and think of her love for me, and remember to go slow. nothing good ever happens when you go too fast. it's funny that i put cds in there when i don't even have a cd play :) but i wanted a physical reminder to put on michael buble music. i have a playlist on my ipod that contains all of his calm songs. they really help me mellow out and come down from an anxiety high and out of an anxiety low. i love his christmas cd.

this ornament is also from s. she gave it to me december 2010. i love snowmen - christmas - ornaments and it is hand painted! it makes me smile whenever i see it. and my grandma liked cardinals - whenever i see one fly by i count it as good luck and that she is saying hi and watching over me. so i love that the snowman is there with his cardinal friend.

these are some of the many note cards i made from what s told me. "all the greats seek balance" "i respect your journey" "the outside world is a reflection of the inside world" "walk in your peace and beauty" "the reality is i can say no" "i hear you : i see you : i am paying attention" "just don't" and sunflowers are very important to me. i am going to do a whole post about them and their meaning to me. but until then i will enjoy the beautiful picture my cousin j took for me.

s sent me the card on the left a long time ago and i LOVE it! it's one of the ones that sings when you open it and it sings this song -- cause seriously sometimes all we can do is hang on for dear life. a picture of the incredible picture my cousin b painted for me. a reminder that my life is a journey - not a destination. and i'm doing just fine. and then a small quote book from my favorite author, richard paul evans.

i love this picture of me and my grandma. it has become a priceless treasure to me. i see her beautiful smile and know i can go on another day.

last, i put a copy of this poem in my p-fak.

s gave me a copy of it a long time ago, and when my counselor gave me this assignment he gave me a copy of it without even knowing how dear it was to me! i knew then that god was still aware of me and my pain. he was throwing me a life line. a merciful life line.

and it is on my to blog list to talk in detail about that poem.

soooo, what's in your p-fak?


  1. I just want you to know how special you are and how much I love you! I miss you! My life is less loud since 3 of my noise makers are at school--when you're feeling up to it, I owe you a lunch date! OXOXOX

    1. Wow - 2 years later and here I am respond to this lol! Lunch anytime with you sounds delightful. xo