knowing all of this does not always mean i am happy or ok with the trails, turmoils, or troubles god allows me to go through. usually i throw a tantrum. i know he wants me to grow. but i do not always want to grow. or like to grow.
my prayers are more like a long ongoing conversation with god. i send up thoughts or memos all the time to him. and i believe that any expression of my faith in him is received with love and understanding. it is acceptable to him.
i go to church. two sundays ago i cried through the entire meeting. last sunday i held a baby through the whole meeting - serving two purposes - healing and distracting. today, i cried through all the meeting, again.
my mind was attacked with worries, questions, statements sent to god. they were all jumbled and didn't make much sense -- it wasn't very coherent.
i came home exhausted and unstable. so i took a xanax and a nap. upon waking up i decided to write a letter to god. sometimes when i pray i get so caught up in the tears and feeling of it all that i never quite make it around to the point or to listening. so i wrote god a letter.
i was going to share part of it, but as i began taking bits and pieces i realized just how sacred this letter is to me. so for now i will keep it between me and god.
and share this song with you.
everybody hurts - david archuleta